Well hello! It's been a while. I pray that you have all been seeking God blessings.
The past months been a wild ride. And one very positive thing is that I am learning a lot about myself in the chaos of this thing called "life". An engagement that will be followed by a wedding, now only 3 months away, has put me in a bit of a tailspin. Decisions from my end seemed difficult and exhausting. But, in retrospect, once I made up my mind it was clear that I am a head case.
Finding the most beautiful brides dress was easy. After all my baby girl would look stunning in a potato sack. She stood before us as she tried on multiple dresses. And eventually she stepped back into one of the first dresses she had tried on. And we tearfully said, "that's the one". She looked beautiful in the over-sized dress. And all I could do is envision her on her big day standing radiantly before her future husband and her Heavenly Father in a dress sized perfectly for her. The hardest decision, for me, came a few weeks later. It was time to search for the mother of the bride dress. Ughhhh! I am not a fan of shopping for clothes for myself. I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Who is that stunning creature". No, for me it was quite the opposite. I don't even like looking in the mirror. I have a tendency of finding each and every "flaw" in my face and my body. I often called myself the grand imperfection. And it didn't help matters that the dresses are all overpriced. I always buy from the clearance racks. In spite of it all I proceeded to try on dresses that the salon picked out for me. And each one made me feel worse than the other. I watched as Linda and Denise tried on the dresses selected for them. And they looked wonderful in every single dress. They are both so beautiful. And the evening came to an end. Two out of three picked their dress. I had to go home and pray and overthink my decision for another couple of weeks. Finally, I made the decision to say yes to one of the dresses.
As wedding planning continued things often got loud. Satan was lurking in every corner. There were battles between sisters, worries about money and other tribulations. So many decisions. And too many opinions. Even though I tried to remain neutral I was often accused of picking sides or playing favorites. Like I said earlier I was learning a lot about myself in the chaos. Yes, perhaps I was picking sides. There were moments when both sides were wrong and times one was right. And sometimes they needed direction or just an ear. After a few battles I decided to make an attempt at just being the sounding board. I love all of my children. I would be lying if I told you that I loved them all the same. I love them all differently. They are unique and require me to love them in a very special way. I relate to them all on a different level. I wouldn't say I have a favorite child. But I will say that I have favorite moments.
I truly amazes me when God steps in and speaks to my heart. Even in the loud moments He continues to speak. Last week we celebrated Valentines day. As I was driving to work I began to think about how great God's love is for me. And negativity rushed over me. I don't deserve a love like this. How could God look at me and say, "Kathleen, you are highly favored"? He must be crazy. And that is when He whispered. You see I forgot that He is crazy, madly and genuinely in love with me. He reminded me that I am created in His image. And that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am His masterpiece and not a grand imperfection. And that He too doesn't have favorites. But speaks to each of His loves on a different level. He directed me to Songs of Solomon. And after work I sat down to read His love song. I opened my kindle and searched. And there right before my eyes was a very special Valentine's Day present. A devotional based off of Songs of Solomon. Greg and I sat and did the first devotional together. And once again the Holy Spirit showed up. We were asked to reveal our fig leaf. Was it hiding us emotionally, spiritually or physically? Wow! Mine was covering my physical insecurities. You see somewhere in my journey I allowed Satan to come in and tell me that I was fat, ugly and there was nothing favorable about me. I allowed myself to magnify my imperfections while seeing such beauty in those around me. It often cause jealousy in my heart. And that jealousy would in turn intensify my insecurities. I am a work in progress. I am certain that the beauty that God sees in me will gradually become who I see. I pray that He will daily remind me that I am created in His image. And as the big day approaches He will continue to guide me in His wisdom, love and grace.
Songs of Solomon 1:15 Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.
A final note for this week.......
I have been praying about doing the next blog book study. So, If you want to join me I will be reading a book by Tammy Maltby titled, "The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged, Forgotten or Invisible. You can email me (Aim4P31@gmail.com) or just follow along for the next 9 weeks.