Smooth sailing

My boat is rocky as the wind and waves begin to pound. My passenger is sleeping, I'm normally safe when He's around. On my knees I fall for it is courage I must find. As faith and fear begin to battle for my heart and mind. The waves seem to be coming faster as my boat begins to fill. I long to hear those precious words that will make my storm be still. Fear is holding fast and shouts, "you are lost at sea". But faith just whispers of God's grace and His peace for me. Wake up, my Lord, I need you to calm my every fear. With a smile He calmly wipes every salty tear. Oh, one with little faith, you must go through every trial. Storms will come and storms will go... I will be there every mile.

 I recently celebrated my two year anniversary at my current place of employment.  And I found myself reflecting back on my first days, weeks and months on the job.

In the first few days I was filled with great excitement.  I remember thinking how amazing this new v voyage was going to be.  I would be working, every day, with a group of people that started the workday with a prayer ( or reflection ). The first two days that is exactly what occurred.

On the third day I showed up at the branch that would soon become my "home sweet home away from home".  And, much to my surprise, there was no prayer or reflection, for that matter, on that day. So I quietly, at my desk, prayed for God's blessings and for my new work "family".  As the day progressed I felt like I was learning a lot.  I had spent the previous thirteen years managing a Wellness center.  And this was completely different for me.  Well, after the first week I went home feeling like I was on cloud nine.  I prayed every morning prior to getting out of the car.  And smiled as a soaked in all the responsibilities of being a "staffing specialist".

Then week two happened.  The branch that I was assigned to work in was, at the time, completely overwhelmed and understaffed.  I began to feel the stress of the young woman, Rhonda, that was orienting me.  It was so busy.  She couldn't even take a lunch break let alone train me properly.  Week three I found myself driving to another location to orient at a slower paced branch with Chris and Christal.  And eventually, after two weeks under their guidance, I was ready to return to the "home sweet home away from home" branch.

 In the three months that followed I felt moments of great success and great failure.  There were individuals that seemed to want to see me fail.  I was told that I wasn't doing what was expected of me. And there were a few individuals that felt I wasn't a team player.  I remember feeling crushed.  You see I have always given one hundred percent in any job I have ever done.  And I am always willing to go above and beyond the "call of duty".  I remember praying and crying out to God.  I felt abandoned. And I began to question the path I had taken.

Lord, why on earth would you have directed my sails into the heart of one of the most tumultuous storms?  I thought the months leading up to my getting into this new boat were difficult enough. And now, there I was, feeling like a failure and my boat seemed to be sinking fast.

Then I remembered something very important.  God was and has always been in complete control of this journey.  I just needed to trust in Him.  He was there.  Waiting for me to surrender it all.  So, I decided to let Him take control of the sails.  Occasionally I would tug a little (because I didn't like the direction He was taking me).  But, I realized that my faith grew stronger as I trusted in Him more and more each day.

Shortly after my one year anniversary I was informed that my job was relocating.  And, unfortunately for me, it was to a location that was too far for me to commute. Feeling the waves crashing against the side of my boat once more. I was so upset because I had grown to love my co workers.  I had prayed everyday for them and we had grown to be a family. And not to mention that, by the grace of God, I had become quite proficient in my job. We were given two options. Relocate or leave.  I was completely torn.  But I knew God was in control. Once again I handed the sails over. After much prayer I sat down and with the help of my husband formulated a letter.  I stated that I could not relocate due to my family obligations.  And that I was willing to stay until they hired my replacement.  However, there was one stipulation. I had to stay at my current "home sweet home away from home" branch.

It has been almost a year since I wrote that letter and I am still reporting to the "home sweet home away from home" branch.  I know that the end of my "staffing specialist" days are on the horizon.  This past week I have been training a sweet young woman named Rachel to do my job.  Each morning I pray for her as she begins her Mercy voyage.  And I believe, by the grace of God, she is going to be fabulous.  I want her to be one of the best staffing specialists my company has ever encountered. After-all the student should one day be just as good if not greater than the teacher.  I can only hope that it's smooth sailing for her.


My life has never been what one would call the reflection of perfection.  However, God has been truly faithful.  And I know that He has great plans for me.  His grace is new every morning.  My future is looking bright. And my days will continue to be full.   There will always be moments when I feel like the storm is never going to end.  But with great faith I can open my eyes to realize that a tumultuous storm has the potential of becoming a smooth sailing sea.

"God is our refuge and strength,an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear...." He is ever-present in this gusty storm too. He reminds me that even though I have a little faith, like that of a mustard seed, I can move mountains.(Matthew 17:20).

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree.........no matter how far it rolls.

The apple certainly does not fall far from the tree.

I got up this morning and, like most mornings, went to my bible and read scripture, prayed for God's blessings on my family and friends and for His grace to, once again, guide me throughout this day. I came down stairs only to find that my living room had been taken over by 21 year old boys sleeping comfortably in the place I had planned on planting myself for some internet surfing. And now here I sit, chomping on a red delicious, on the stool in my beautiful kitchen.

The first place I chose to surf was blogger.com.  I like to look at the blogs that I follow only to check in for new insights.  Earlier this week I was blessed to see that a very special blogger had posted her first blog since May 3rd, 2012.  I was excited to she what her "Last Hurrah" was all about.  As I read through her beautifully worded blog my heart was leaping for joy.  You see this blogger is my youngest daughter.  An apple that fell from the tree and rolled all the way to Manayunk, Pa. a few months ago.  Initially I was alarmed at the title of her latest blog, "I've Already Failed".  As a mother I see each one of my children as my greatest success stories.  So, I began to read through her post and after the first sentence my concern had dissipated.  Her idea of "failure" was a bucket of popcorn.

There have been many moments throughout my life that I too have felt like a "failure".  I once heard from an old friend that, "promises are made to be broken".  That was a harsh statement.  And I try very hard to not to break promises.  But that hasn't always worked out in my favor. I have made silly promises to God, myself and others.  The promise to eat right, exercise and/or do cardio everyday only to go an entire week without following through.  The promise to get to a game or event even when my work schedule doesn't permit.  And even some bigger promises.  One in particular.  The promise that I would read through the bible before picking up any other book.  One could say, or at least I have found myself stating, I am a failure. However, God doesn't see me that way. In His eyes I am a work in progress.  The apple of his eye. (Deuteronomy 32:10).  Praise God that His promises are true.  And as far back as I can remember He has kept His promise to never leave me or forsake me. No broken promise on his end.

Years ago one of my pastors told me that one day the wisdom that my husband and I planted in each of our children, biological and inherited, would one day shine.  And this morning I got a taste of that while reading my daughter's blog entry. It brought great joy when she, like her mom, quoted scripture.

We have five apples that have grown on our tree. And each one of them has been the "apple of our eyes"  We have protected them, cared for them and given them wisdom and godly advice.  Prayed for them to walk upright and go in the direction that God has paved for them.  And each one of our "apples" has taken a path of their own.  Our youngest, the spartan, is still hanging on to the branch gathering the wisdom and nutrients needed for his future. Our "blogger", the gala,  has rolled away and is currently developing her color in life not to far from home. Another, our pink lady, has planted seeds and now has a tree of her own with two beautiful apple blossoms. And two have rolled a little further than the others. One rolled to the west coast.  She was bruised and not quite ripe when she left.  However, she has developed into quite the honey crisp now that she is closer the the California sun. And our oldest, the adventurous one, floated across the Atlantic where she shines and has grown into a beautiful and well rounded elma.  Each one of them has developed their own character and flavor. As I sit back and observe them in their quest in life I see some of our, my husband's and my own, pulp running through their veins. They have taken some of our good and not so good traits and have intertwined them with other influences to become the beautiful individuals they are today.  I can only praise God for His faithfulness and His promise that the wisdom He graciously bestowed on us, as parents, has not returned void.  It is only by His grace that each one of them has become a fruitful adult.

Sometimes promises are unintentionally broken or made. And often bring us to feel like failures.  I can honestly say, as I sit here at this moment reflecting on the "apples of my eye" that I am not a "failure".  I have five flavorful success stories in the making.   There is a new dawn to each day.  So, to my sweet gala, enjoy the oreo's and have a handful of popcorn......"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted He will provide a way out so you can endure it".  And to all of my "apples", I love you and want to say thank you for making our tree one of the best in the grove.

By the Grace of God I am what I am.....

At some point in my journey over the years I lost a piece of luggage.  The bag contained expectation, jealousy, bitterness, frustration and a few trinkets I collected along my way.  From time to time, usually a holiday, birthday or family gathering, I would set up camp and unpack my bag.  Upon arrival I would pull out one of my prized possessions.  It was my very own bottle of  "What about Me?". It's fragrance was bitter.  Almost smelled like dandelions and grapefruit. I unfolded expectation and wrapped that garment tightly around my shoulders.  I had worn this so much that I could no longer remember it's original color. Jealousy dangled on my chest close to my heart.  It was cold to touch and didn't feel pleasant.  But I thought it looked nice so I wore it on occasion.  Bitterness fit like a glove. When adorning it I realized that it never prevented me from doing my tasks.  At times, when overwhelmed in self pity, it helped me get the job done.  And one of the last items in the bag was my red hot pair of frustration.  I am not sure where I picked them up.  But I would look in the mirror, shed a few tears, and place them forcefully in each ear.

 Once decorated with all these "goodies" I would enter a room waiting to be noticed.  I had sprayed "What about Me" on so heavy that I thought family and friends would be able to smell me from a mile away.  As I rounded the room my life long garment of expectation became unraveled and almost fell off my shoulders.  Nobody seemed to notice how important this wrap was to me.  All those around me were consumed by another element.  Some watched the comings and goings with a smile.  Others had a flair for being the center of attention. Me, I just wanted someone to help me with my expectation.  Each time I tried to flip expectation around my shoulders I would feel the harsh beating of jealousy pounded forcefully on my chest.  It pierced my heart.  I would find myself running to find a task that could make bitterness useful.  From time to time someone would comment on the gems that hung from my ears.  It seemed that my pair red hot frustration was an attention grabber.

One evening, after a few "woe is me" tears, I began praying.  Why is it that I have such a tight hold on expectation?  I have become so obsessed with it that I started to wear it every day.  Lord, by your grace, help me to enjoy life's moments.  Give me strength to smile in this journey.  Remove this pendant of jealousy. And soften my hard heart.  Give me a desire to do for others and replace these bitter hands with the hands of a servant instead. Quiet my mind Lord.  Take my red hot frustration and give me peace.

The following morning I got up and lightly draped expectation over my shoulders.  Went to my dresser and reached for jealousy.  But something that I had had for years grabbed my attention instead.  I gently placed "By Grace Alone" around my neck. I couldn't seem to find my bottle of "What about ME".  So, I dabbed a little essential oil called "H.Spirit" behind my ears and proceeded to go about my day.

That evening I realized that I must have dropped my expectation at some point in the day.  I was sad at first but realized that the day was less cumbersome without it.  I had this joy in my heart that was
indescribable.  My heart also seemed lighter and I had a greater desire to do for others. And I also noticed this aroma as I sat down to reflect on my day.  Normally I would get a whiff of bitterness.  But this evening was sweet and very aromatic.  I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.  And found myself singing, "By the Grace of God I am what I am".  As my family ate the meal I prepared I sat back and smiled.

In hind sight I don't know how, where or when I lost the contents of that bag.  But I can't seem to locate most of them.  One thing is certain I have discovered that my trip has been much less cluttered and less restricted with out that bag.   God is truly faithful to answer prayer.  He is my comforter, my rock, my protector, my All in All. And over the past few years I have truly discovered that "By the Grace of God I am what I am. and His grace to me was not without effect.  No, I worked harder than all of them - yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me."~1 Corinthians 15:10

Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things.

Kathleen, Kathleen you are worried and troubled about many things.........

The kitchen project is well underway.  The old kitchen has been demolished and now we are preparing the space for the new and improved version. The past few nights I found myself waking up with my head spinning. My thoughts were focused how there is still so much to do. We are going over way budge. There is dust everywhere. What and how am I going to prepare for meals over the next few weeks.  Is my second floor going to fall into the first?  What if this is all a big mistake?  Did we make a wise choice with the appliances. And the cabinets..... are they going to be too dark?  How am I going to clean the dishes?  The powder-room sink is so small.  And isn't it gross to wash dishes in there?  Oh my goodness I still have to figure out the back splash.  And how many knobs and pulls do I need? As I laid in bed my head just spiraled out of control.  I think I needed a larger plate. Something like a serving platter would have worked.  Because my plate was overflowing with the garbage I had chosen to feast on the past few nights.

This morning I realized that I had been awake yesterday for over 25 hours.  I woke up yesterday morning at 3 a.m. and finally went to bed at 4 a.m. this morning.  This was perhaps the reason for some of my stinkin thinkin.   I have to say that, after 6 solid hours of sleep, I am feeling better.  I "overslept" and missed church.  However, my perspective seems to be much clearer.  Who am I to be worried about a project that I have been so prayerful about. I realize that this dusty, disarrayed, disaster zone house is just a temporal phase.

After stepping back, and taking it all in, I realize just how truly blessed I am.  I am getting a new kitchen.  This "Martha" is going to get to be a part of the fun.  I will get to enjoy the silly moments and growing moments that are currently going on beyond the walls.  I may even get to experience more of the "Mary" in me.  I am less worried about the budget and more excited about the valuable treasure of memories that will be created in this family friendly kitchen.  Less concerned about the dust falling and smiling big when I think of the mess that will happen at the prep station in the kitchen.  We may have to eat crock pot meals, frozen dinners and take away for the next few weeks.  But, this too is temporary.  Many feasts and experimental meals will be created in due time.  And the beam, that has replaced the wall that once was a barrier, is sturdy.  And since the beam has been placed our sliding closet door, on the second floor, opens smoother than it ever has since we lived in this house. The appliances and cabinets are going to be beautiful in this wonderfully designed kitchen.

This whole process has been a lesson in faith.  I am learning that even when the Martha in me is so busy with sorting through the garbage, that I don't see God's blessings, He is still faithful.  I am getting a new kitchen!!!  And God has provided the funds, the resources, and the wonderful crew that is working so diligently to make this happen.  So, it is time for me to sit back, or at His feet, relax and enjoy the process.

By wisdom a house, or kitchen, is built.

We are in the process of renovating our kitchen.  It is long overdue.  But the process is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. There is so much to be done.  As most you already know I love to be in the kitchen.  But I don't love to be in my kitchen when the family is gathering.  My current situation is quite closed off to the rest of the household population.  I have a galley, aka room for one, kitchen.  I love to cook and create tasty meals and treats for my family and friends.  But in the process I have to be cut off from the company.  I often reflect on the Mary and Martha story as I am standing in the kitchen chopping, slicing, dicing and stirring.  I realize that I miss out on a lot of the family time in the living room beyond the kitchen walls.

Okay, so I guess it is a little silly that I am blogging about my kitchen renovation project.  But bear with me.  As I said earlier there is a lot that goes into all this.  And I am truly blessed to have Greg for my husband.  And doubly blessed that he likes to research and get deals too.  We have a very strict budget.  And we have a firm plan for what we want our space to look like as well.  As I am seeing it right now the two are proving to be not so congruent. I am reminded that it is through wisdom that a house, or kitchen, is built.  God has blessed us with the funds to renovate the kitchen.  But, we are required to be wise with how we spend it and on what it is spent. 

Now that the budget had been decided it was time for the next step.  We had come up with a floor plan.  We had our friend Linda come over and create a design for our new open kitchen. She measured, asked a few questions and headed to the drawing table.  Her design is wonderful.

In order to establish and see her design come into fruition we then had to gain an understanding.  We began contacting people for estimates on what it would cost to have the job completely done. The first proposal came in and we realized that we were already over budget.  We needed to get the appliances,  floors, counter tops and a few other important features into the initial budget plan as well.  Linda gave a great deal on the cabinets.  And she found us flooring at a great price too!  So, without hesitation we ordered them. We spent days searching the internet and running from store to store in search of the best deals on appliances.  We also had to make a decision on the color for the hard wood flooring.   I would come home from work and Greg would be on the internet researching. We went to a few appliance stores not once, not twice, but multiple times just to look at refrigerators.  And do you realize how many different types of refrigerators there are?

Well it appears that things are progressing.  We are still getting estimates for the job from a few contractors.  And I know that God is directing us. It is my hearts desire that God be the foundation of my life and of my home.  Once this project is completed I am certain that we will clearly be able to see His hand in every nook and cranny of the new space.  We have gained much knowledge while researching products and costs .  And we have learned a lot about being patient.  I know that He will continue to direct us as we prayerfully wait for the new estimates to come in.  I am happy to report that God directed our path and we found a refrigerator! Yes, I finally picked one that I liked. We also found an oven, cook top and dishwasher that will all look great with Linda's design. The prices were all pretty good too.  They have all be ordered, delivered and they are currently sitting in our living space.  And what a beautiful sight.  The cabinets and flooring are on their way too. The room seems to be getting filled with beautiful treasures.

Through wisdom a house is built,  and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. ~Proverbs 24:3-4

When You look at my picture who's face do you see.......

I open my Facebook page or Instagram and I see a wave of "selfies" An ocean full of pictures of all types of faces. So many of these "selfies" capture the true identity of the individual in the snap shot. Some bring a smile to my face and make me laugh.  Occasionally I see sadness, anger, loneliness and hurt in the eyes of the one taking the "selfie".   It is amazing how much a picture can say about a person.

So, today I grabbed my phone and captured my very own "selfie".  I looked deep into the reflection.  What will others see when they look at this picture?  Will they count every wrinkle on my forehead and seek every imperfection?  And what about me?  What do I see in my own reflection?  Is it only my face that I see?   Or is there another reflection sharing this photo opportunity with me?

These past few days I have spent with my precious granddaughter, Grace.  Her parents were at the hospital due to the arrival of baby number two.  So, Grace and I had lots of time together.  She loves to look at pictures.  And she loves to see pictures of herself.  This is exactly how God wants us to react to our own reflection.  After all we were created in His image. Each evening as I put her to bed I prayed that she'd never stop seeing the beauty that God has blessed her with. And I asked God to direct me so that I would be a good and positive influence in her life and each of my grands to follow.

Thursday night, while laying in bed, I began thinking about what legacy I would one day leave my family.  What will they see when looking at pictures of my face?  What story will my reflection tell them about who Grandma Kathleen was to them?  For a few hours I closed my eyes and thought about, not only my grands, but my children.  How will they remember me?  Will they only remember the rough patches we went through.  Or will they smile as they reflect on the triumphs?  Will they think of me as a godly woman?  Or will they remember me as something much different? My only hope is that they will remember me as someone who loved the Lord.  And that when they see my "selfie" they also see the reflection of the One who created me in His image.

As I am sitting here blogging away and reflecting on my reflection.  I realize, that if I truly believe and want others to believe that we are created in His perfect image, my life needs to be the reflection or proof of His love.  My words and my actions must have validity.  Because if my character acts one way but speaks differently I will leave a poorly developed image behind.  You see, God is love. My life is to be a reflection of that great love.  And as I define myself as a christian and have received Christ as Lord, I want to be rooted, deeply rooted and straightened daily in my faith.

 His sacrifice was the ultimate outpouring of love.  So to love is to sacrifice. Over the years there have been many times that I have sacrificed my wants for the wants and needs of others.  There are times that I am doing it out of love.  And other times, to be honest, I am doing out of obedience.   And when I am doing it out of obedience I grumble a lot. I may even delay when it's time to obey.  You might find me walking or even running away. I am sure my "selfie", in those moments, isn't all that attractive. And when I think back on those moments I am not so proud.  How could I snap a picture of those moments and glorify God?  God, who willingly and lovingly sacrificed for me,desires me to have a willing heart. I really and truly do want to be built up in Him.  I want have this abounding joy every time I do for others.  And I want to genuinely be a reflection of His love and show His grace   I pray that my love will one day look like Him.  And that when I am gone it will be love that is the legacy I left behind.  And that my children's children's children are able to clearly see the image of  God's love in the "selfie" I took today.

 

Take your gift seriously

Over the past few days I have had a lot of quiet time.  My husband working double shifts.  And the kids were either at work, school or both. And the Martha in me got busy in the "kitchen". I did a few chores, browsed the internet for unimportant facts and findings.

Today I  arrived home from work and once again I had the evening all to myself.  I was feeling a little "under the weather" and tired so I decided to get in my comfy pj's and listen to one of my pastors on podcast.  I love technology!  I was so blessed by the sermon.  It encouraged me to reflect on Romans 12:8.  And I spent some time praying about my God given gifts.  Am I an encourager, a giver, a leader, or is my gift in showing kindness and mercy?  In which area am I strongest?  And in which area do I need guidance? 

Often we neglect to utilize these gifts.  We are paralyzed by the overwhelming expectations of others. And tend to hide and neglect those precious gifts .  I am guilty as charged. The brat that dwells within can be my greatest form of paralysis. My Dad use to say it was paralysis by analysis.  I tend to over think and sometimes that over-thinking brings bitterness a.k.a "Stinkin thinkin".

A few years ago I had a situation with a person in my life.  I wanted so desperately to embrace and love this person.  I reached out many time only to get my hand zapped.  It hurt.  But, I couldn't help myself.  I continued to extend the olive branch.  Hoping and praying that one day, while the olive branch was extended, this person would grab hold of a leaf.  Or perhaps pluck a piece of the fruit. I wasn't sure if God wanted me to understand my gift of persistence or insanity.  How could this individual not want to accept this invitation to be a part of my family/friend circle?  Looking back on it I see clearly that my persistence may have contributed to her reluctance.  Maybe I came off a bit in-genuine which was truly not my intention.  And in the process my heart didn't feel all that joyful.  I remember sitting with my husband one evening and talking to him about the situation at hand.  He listened and of course sided with me.  As any wise husband should.  He told me that I just needed to accept the fact that not everyone in the world is going to like me.  What?!?!?!  Ouch. He recommended that I stop putting my hand out.  I took his advice for a few months.  And in the process my "gifts" became not so gift like.  I found myself becoming bitter.  And "stinkin thinkin" consumed me.  I exchanged gifts for garbage.  I threw down the branch and dug a pit of quicksand between myself and this person.  No way was I going to risk sinking for an unwanted friendship.  Well, during that time of picking through garbage I said and did some not so kind things.  One night, while praying for this person, I felt a bit convicted.  As I should have.  I prayed every night that God would change her heart.  And I realized, during that moment in prayer, that it was my heart that needed to be changed.  I lost sight of my gifts. The Lord was very clear."So in everything, do to other what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law of the Prophets." So, I have to still be kind when kindness isn't given. Loving when not loved. Be generous when taken for granted.  And lead even if I get thrown under the bus

Whatever the gift that God has given me, or you for that matter, needs to be taken seriously.  If you are great at encouraging others, than you must encourage and uplift.  If you find that giving is your greatest gift, than you need to give generously.  If God has given you a heart to be a leader, take that responsibility seriously and pray for wisdom.  And if kindness is your forte, than do it with a joyful heart.

Yes, I extended the olive branch multiple time after that night.  And I am bless to say that God is faithful. He restored my heart and healed my hand each time it was rejected.  And in the process it was by His grace alone that a not so friendlyship turned into a blessing.  I think we both came to the pit waiving our white flags.  I pulled the plank out of my eye, laid it over the pit of quicksand, crossed over and began building a beautiful friendship with this beautiful woman. Praise God