Wink wink

I just want to start off by saying I love God's faithfulness.  I was initially unsure if I was going to be able to truly relate to Hagar after reading chapter one.  But as I sat and took time to reflect on why she rejoiced in the things that God told her; you know like, "Your son is going to be a jerk and cause strife. And he is going to have numerous offspring",  I started to see the bigger picture. Yes, she had a son and he was a mule of a man.  But that isn't where Hagar found her blessing.  No, you see she heard El Roi and His promises of a future. God gave her a vision and Hagar saw her "God wink" moment. She was going to one day be a grandma!  Yes, her strife causing mule of a son was going to be the instrument of God's promise to give her a daughter-in-law and a multitude of grand, great and great-great grand babies to lavishly love.  She fully and joyfully trusted that God would keep His eyes on her and the mule (Ishmael) And that He would continue to protect her and her offspring with His grace and love.


Thinking about the past few months; can you recall a moment when God blessed you with a "God wink", moment?  You know a little reminder that El Roi has a watchful eye on you.  For me it has been 1 Corinthians 13.  It seems like that verse keeps popping up everywhere.  Not only in Chapter 2 of, "The God Who Sees You", but on the radio, the group that my husband and I meet with on Thursday evenings, two other books that I started browsing through, and this morning God blessed me with it again. Greg and I got up and prepared our hearts for a beautiful rainy Saturday by doing our devotional together.  We were instructed to grab a pen and some paper.  Once we gathered our materials we sat together and began reading the devo titled, "The Love SAT".  And I immediately started to smile.  God certainly has a great sense of humor. 1 Corinthians 13 was the heart of the reflection.  At the end of this devo we were given an assignment to paraphrase this scripture in terms that apply to our marriage and/or life.  And we had a great time doing it.  It made us connect and see that what God had joined together, through our marriage, truly is a beautiful thing.  Because without love we are nothing.  I highly recommend you try doing this.  

In 1 Corinthians 13 verse 12 we are told that we are fully known by God.  That's right...we are fully known. When you let that sink in does it sound scary?  Or are you okay with that? What are some ways we could become more aware of God's presence and grow to know Him more fully? God is so complex that it would be quite impossible to describe Him in one word.  And this is why He has been given so many titles.  He is the Light of the world. From the beginning He was light.  And this is God's very essence.  He knows every detail about His creation.  He sees each seed sprouting.  He forms each raindrop.  He intricately places every feather on the birds of the air.  He sees it all because in Him there is no darkness. And He graciously provides this light for us to see the world around us.  He wants for us to have a well lit path so we don't stumble in the darkness.  And because we often find ourselves in dark places God blessed us with the brightest light of all; His son, Jesus.  The same God that formed the rain and placed the feathers on each bird fully knows me.  I can honestly say that there are moments that I tend to forget this truth.  I sometimes feel that because I cannot physically see or touch God that He cannot see or touch me.  What would it be like to let someone see us completely that didn't love us completely.  Scary and highly unlikely.  But God, the light of the world, sees us through the eyes of love.  His patient, kind, forgiving, unconditional love!  And His glory and grace shines all around me.  So there is no need to hide from such an extravagantly loving God

 It is difficult to understand how an unseen God lavishes grace on us.  And why and how He does what He does for us.  He doesn't think the way we think, and He doesn't do things the way we would do them. I find myself prayerfully telling God how to do things.  It usually sounds something like this,"Heavenly Father I praise you for this day.  Please draw my children closer to you.  Make them see you the way I see you.  Give them hearts to follow you. Bless the day ahead of me and keep us safe from harm"  And there have been time where I have shouted out, "LORD,  make every light green so I can get there fast and on time!"  I am pretty sure I am not the only one praying this because I find that I am hitting the red lights and the other driver, crossing my path, is getting all the green lights (God must have answered them first...lol).  Yes, I may often feel like God is answering others before me but in reality that's not true.  We need to step back and look at the big picture. The funny thing is I pray these commands and at the same time I am also praying for His perfect will.  I forget that His plan is not our plan.  He absolutely hears each one of our prayers or commands. And He is fully capable to answer them all.  After all He is God, the living Word, the Provider, Healer, Lover, Shepherd, King, Rock, Counselor, Bride-groom, Protector, and the list goes on.  We just need to allow Him to be our El Shaddai (All Sufficient One)

I pray that we all continue to open our hearts, minds and eyes to see the God who sees us.  I encourage you all to read your bible.  After all this is God's love letter to us.  And, depending on the weather, take a walk. Look at the trees and how they are lifting their branches as if the are reaching for heaven.  Or if it's a Willow tree how it appears to be bowing in reverence and prayer. And the sky, "the heavens declare the glory of God". I pray that you are able to see God in the little moments as well as the big.  Because El Roi, the unseen God, desires us to see Him.  And wants us to be ourselves with Him.  So, take the time to prayerfully seek Him.

And here are some things to reflect on as you read or don't read Chapter 3:

List five things you like about yourself and five things you don't like about you.  What is the trait you'd most like to have recognized or appreciated? Is there a part of you that you wish God couldn't see?

Is there a time in your life that you believe that you were a disappointment to God or missed His calling? And why do you believe this?

What are some mistaken ideas you have had in the past about the way God sees you?  What changed your mind or view?

Take a permanent marker and write the name of someone you love on the palm of your hand. (it come off with rubbing alcohol).  What did you take away from this experiment?

Think about a time that it was clear that God put you in a certain place at a certain time for a reason.  What was your reaction?

See you all next week



  

Can You Hear Me?

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread." ~Mother Teresa

"Hello God, are you there?  Can you hear me?"  How many times have you called out to God in this manner?  I will honestly say that I have heard myself asking this a few times throughout my life. Especially when things seem to be spiraling out of control.  You see at one point in my life I felt like God wasn't keeping watch over me.  I was a single mom with three babies that depended on me to meet their every need.  I clothed them, bathed them, fed them, taught them, and the list went on.  And just like Hagar, the single mom in the wilderness, I cried out in despair.  The food supply was running low.  My pockets were empty.  And I gave my portion to nourish and provide for my loves.  I felt overwhelmed, alone and rejected.  I just needed to be heard, seen and have my needs taken care of.

We all have this deep rooted desire to be seen. Not just by God but others.  And there are times when my desire is so overwhelming that instead of looking up I leap into the arms of another.  And so goes the story of my life.  I often look to "others" to affirm, value, assure, appreciate, connect, desire,  care, include and love me.  After all God did create me this way.  And all I really truly desire is to be loved. And the sad thing is I often define love by how others affirm, value, assure, appreciate, connect, desire, care and include me. Pretty twisted if you think about it.  Because that certainly isn't the way God defines love (1 Corinthians 13).  Lucky for me.  Because if He did I would really be in big trouble.  I fail to affirm, value, assure, appreciate, connect, desire, care and include God in my life on a daily basis.  I suppose this is why I often find myself at His feet asking for forgiveness.  I am constantly seeking the approval of fellow sinners.  It's easy to only let the world around me see the characteristics I pick and choose to reveal.  There is this fear of letting people see the whole package. I have to protect my heart from getting hurt. So I save the deep down dirty truth for an elite few.  But wait, hold the presses, El Roi.  Yes,God sees me anyway.  I don't have to reveal the ugly "naked" truth to Him.  He already knows the disgusting details.  Unlike the world around me I can stand naked and ashamed before Him.  He longs for me to come before Him.  Just so He can say,"I am the God who sees you.  I see you as beautiful, valuable, I desire to connect with you.  I appreciate what I have created in you.  But most important is this, I LOVE YOU!"

During the years of being a single Mom it was difficult to allow anyone into my heart.  I even struggled, at times, to let God in.   I was rejected, unappreciated, cheated on, broken, battered, afraid, and felt unworthy and unwanted.  It took a lot for me to trust God when He said that He would never leave me or forsake me.  But God was patient.  He knew that He had to reveal His promises slowly and in some pretty magnificent ways.  In the midst of my loneliness He was intricately paving the way for my future.  In retrospest, as I reflect back to those days, it is very clear that God had His eyes on me.  He was just giving me room to grow in His grace.

A few thought provoking questions for this week:

Can you think of a little gift God blessed you with in the past few months that reminded you that He does have a watchful eye on you? What happened?

What are some ways you could be more aware of God's presence?

Look up the names of God.....  What additional names would you give God based on your life experiences?

Reflect on a time when you saw God's handy work in retrospect.

Read 1 Corinthians 13.  Who is God to you?  How do you feel about the knowledge that this is the God who sees you?

I pray that as we prepare to celebrate Resurrection Sunday that we would take a moment to reflect on the amazing grace that God lavishes on us.  We are truly blessed.  I pray that He gives us eyes to see the glory that is around us.  The flowers are blooming and the once bare trees are being decorated with leaves and fruit blossoms.  As winter turns to spring I lift each of you up in hopes that your love for the Lord will be renewed. And that we would take time to affirm, value, assure, appreciate, connect, desire, care and include God in our lives.  But most important let His love fill your heart.

Okay Honey if You Insist.

A few weeks ago I asked if anyone wanted to join me in reading a book.  And I dropped the ball on that for sure.  I found myself being still and not in a way I would have asked for.  I had asked a few beautiful sisters-in-Christ to pray that the Lord would give me stillness.  And little did I know God was already in the process of stilling me.  I found out that what I initially thought was back pain, from sitting on a very comfy sofa during my Tuesday evening women's study, was actually the beginning stage of kidney stones and shingles.  Yes, the Lord stopped me in my tracks.  I found myself pacing the floors and calling out to Him in the stillness of the night.  The pain was so intense that I wasn't able to comprehend the words on the pages of the book I had suggested for us to read together.  But it would be His words that would comprehend and would give me peace. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10.  And that is exactly where I have been sitting for a few weeks.  I found myself breaking this verse down night after night as I paced around the house.  Do not fear.  I have to be honest.  I was terrified.  The anxiety would build as the pain increased.  I thought for sure I wasn't going to be able to handle it.  I cannot even begin to explain the level of pain I felt.  I don't think my scale registers that high.  I thought childbirth was intense.  But then the Lord would swoop in and remind me, "I am with you."  He saw me in my weakness because He is El Roi, the God who sees me.  And He reminded me that His promises are true.  And by the power of the Holy Spirit I am feeling better with each new grace filled day. He has been faithful and I am actually okay with being still.

Now, about that book. I am not sure if anyone has purchased the book or downloaded it on to their Kindle or iPad.  But I am happy to say that I plan on reading the rest of chapter one tonight!  And I am ready to join you all on the journey of reading, "The God Who Sees You."

Chapter one begins with us reading Hagar's story in Genesis 16 and 21.  I don't know about
you but I think this was quite a juicy story.  Sarai wanted so desperately for her husband, Abram, to have a son that she did the unthinkable.  She gave him a maid servant to have intercourse with in hopes that she could start a family this way.  What the what??? This is insane.  And the crazy thing is Abram agreed.  "Okay Honey if you insist."  And guess what Hagar, the maid servant, conceived.  And instead of being a humble servant Hagar rubbed it in Sarai's face.  "Look at me I am pregnant with your husbands baby.  You know, the one you weren't woman enough to bear for him.  And it's mine all mine."  Sarai wasn't willing to wait for God to fulfill His promise.  So she took matters into her own hands.  And boy oh boy did she get burnt.  She was so hurt that she wanted to hurt Hagar in return.  She ran to her husband like a raging bull and stormed into the room shouting, "It's all your fault Abram.  You slept with her and got her pregnant.  How could you do this to me?  And now she's running around rubbing it in my face that I cannot give you the child you so desperately need to have.  You need to do something about this.  Do you hear me Abram?  I said this is all your fault!"  And Abram responded by softly saying, "You decide what to do.  She's your maid servant."  So, Sarai did just that.  She was abusive and as mean as mean could be to the pregnant Hagar.  So awful that Hagar couldn't take anymore and ran away.  And this is where Hagar meets El Roi.

As Hagar ran off she must have felt tired and alone.  She was pregnant.  And on top of being tired and alone she had to be afraid.  Where was she going to go?  How would she be able to support herself let alone this baby.  She didn't sign up for this.  After-all this whole debacle was Sarai's grand plan.  Hagar was just an intricate piece.  There Hagar sat alone, forgotten, ignored, rejected and invisible.  Or at least that's what she thought.  Until she heard a voice calling her by name, "Hagar, Hagar what are you doing here?"  She responded, "I am running away from the mistress Sarai.  She is horrible to me."  And the voice gently said,"Go back.  Just put up with her shenanigans for a little.  God has something pretty amazing in store for you and this bundle you are carrying." He continued, "I'm going to give you a big family, children to numerous to count. The baby you are carrying is a boy.  You are to name him Ishmael; for God heard you, God answered you.  Ishmael will be as stubborn as a mule, a real fighter, fighting and being fought, always stirring up some kind of trouble.  And he will be at odds with his family.  Hagar answered God by name, praying to the God who spoke to her.  "You're the God who sees me! El Roi Yes! You saw me first and then I saw you!"

Hagar went back and put up with Sarai.  She gave birth to a son and life went on. Eventually Sarah (name change) conceived a son for Abraham (another name change) because God is faithful and keeps His promises even when we are impatient, Sarah aka Sarai.  And gave birth to Isaac.  And just like God said to Hagar; Ishmael was acting like a mule and poking fun at his half brother Isaac. Sarah saw this and got mad as heck and ran to Abraham saying, "Abraham, that servant's son is mocking Isaac.  You know who I am talking about.  And I am telling you right now no servant's son will share my son's inheritance.  Now you go take care of this.  They need to go."  This put Abraham in a bit of a pickle and caused him great pain.  After-all Ishmael was his son.  God spoke to Abraham and told Him not to worry and to listen to Sarah.  God had great plans for Ishmael.  So, Abraham got up the next morning, gathered some food and water and sent Hagar and Ishmael on their way.  Hagar found herself once again on her own.  And eventually out of food and water.  She was certain that she and her son would die.  And she wasn't strong enough to watch her son die.  So, she laid him under a bush and walked a few feet away and began to cry her eyes out. God heard Ishmael crying.  The angel of God called from Heaven to Hagar, "What's wrong, Hagar? Don't be afraid.  God has heard the boy and knows his condition. Get up and go to your son.  Hold him tight.  I am going to make of him a great nation." Just then God opened her eyes. She looked up and saw a well of water. She filled up her thermos and gave her son a drink.  God was with her and her son as he grew up.  They lived in the desert and he became a skilled archer.  And eventually Hagar found her son a wife from Egypt.  And God's promises were fulfilled.

Wow!  In her loneliest and most vulnerable moment God showed Hagar that He was with her.  And that He planned on staying with her for the long haul.  And she knew Him and called Him by name. How many times have you felt alone, forgotten, ignored, rejected and invisible?  We all have those moments when we are shouting, "Look at me. Listen to me. Please just let me know that you know I exist and need to be embraced."  But then there are those, I just bit the forbidden fruit, moments.  When we would rather hide and not be seen.

I am going to leave you with a few questions to think about this week as you read or don't read the book.  Like I said you don't need to buy the book to follow along.

Is the idea of "God sees me" comforting or reassuring to you?  Why or why not?
Can you recall a time when you knew, really knew, that God saw you?

Looking forward to this journey with all of you.

Who is That Stunning Creature?

Well hello!  It's been a while.  I pray that you have all been seeking God blessings.

The past months been a wild ride.  And one very positive thing is that I am learning a lot about myself in the chaos of this thing called "life".  An engagement that will be followed by a wedding, now only 3 months away, has put me in a bit of a tailspin.  Decisions from my end seemed difficult and exhausting.  But, in retrospect, once I made up my mind it was clear that I am a head case.

 Finding the most beautiful brides dress was easy.  After all my baby girl would look stunning in a potato sack. She stood before us as she tried on multiple dresses.  And eventually she stepped back into one of the first dresses she had tried on.  And we tearfully said, "that's the one".  She looked beautiful in the over-sized dress.  And all I could do is envision her on her big day standing radiantly before her future husband and her Heavenly Father in a dress sized perfectly for her. The hardest decision, for me, came a few weeks later. It was time to search for the mother of the bride dress.  Ughhhh!  I am not a fan of shopping for clothes for myself.  I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Who is that stunning creature".  No, for me it was quite the opposite.  I don't even like looking in the mirror. I have a tendency of finding each and every "flaw" in my face and my body.  I often called myself the grand imperfection.  And it didn't help matters that the dresses are all overpriced.  I always buy from the clearance racks.  In spite of it all I proceeded to try on dresses that the salon picked out for me.  And each one made me feel worse than the other.  I watched as Linda and Denise tried on the dresses selected for them.  And they looked wonderful in every single dress.  They are both so beautiful.  And the evening came to an end.  Two out of three picked their dress.  I had to go home and pray and overthink my decision for another couple of weeks.  Finally, I made the decision to say yes to one of the dresses.

As  wedding planning continued things often got loud.  Satan was lurking in every corner.  There were battles between sisters, worries about money and other tribulations.  So many decisions.  And too many opinions. Even though I tried to remain neutral I was often accused of picking sides or playing favorites.  Like I said earlier I was learning a lot about myself in the chaos.  Yes, perhaps I was picking sides.  There were moments when both sides were wrong and times one was right.  And sometimes they needed direction or just an ear.  After a few battles I decided to make an attempt at just being the sounding board.  I love all of my children.  I would be lying if I told you that I loved them all the same.  I love them all differently.  They are unique and require me to love them in a very special way.  I relate to them all on a different level.  I wouldn't say I have a favorite child.  But I will say that I have favorite moments.

I truly amazes me when God steps in and speaks to my heart.  Even in the loud moments He continues to speak.  Last week we celebrated Valentines day.  As I was driving to work I began to think about how great God's love is for me.  And negativity rushed over me.  I don't deserve a love like this.  How could God look at me and say, "Kathleen, you are highly favored"?  He must be crazy. And that is when He whispered.  You see I forgot that He is crazy, madly and genuinely in love with me.  He reminded me that I am created in His image.  And that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am His masterpiece and not a grand imperfection.  And that He too doesn't have favorites.  But speaks to each of His loves on a different level. He directed me to Songs of Solomon.  And after work I sat down to read His love song. I opened my kindle and searched.  And there right before my eyes was a very special Valentine's Day present.  A devotional based off of Songs of Solomon.  Greg and I sat and did the first devotional together.  And once again the Holy Spirit showed up.  We were asked to reveal our fig leaf.  Was it hiding us emotionally, spiritually or physically?  Wow! Mine was covering my physical insecurities.  You see somewhere in my journey I allowed Satan to come in and tell me that I was fat, ugly and there was nothing favorable about me.  I allowed myself to magnify my imperfections while seeing such beauty in those around me. It often cause jealousy in my heart.  And that jealousy would in turn intensify my insecurities.  I am a work in progress.  I am certain that the beauty that God sees in me will gradually become who I see.  I pray that He will daily remind me that I am created in His image.  And as the big day approaches He will continue to guide me in His wisdom, love and grace.

Songs of Solomon 1:15 Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.

A final note for this week.......

I have been praying about doing the next blog book study.  So, If you want to join me I will be reading a book by Tammy Maltby titled, "The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged, Forgotten or Invisible.  You can email me (Aim4P31@gmail.com) or just follow along for the next 9 weeks.

"By George I Think I've Got It"

Have you ever had a moment when you just felt nothing?  I mean your thoughts are blank, you are alone and all is quiet.  Even deep within the core of who you are you feel nothing.  This morning was just that for me.  While most people woke up to the sounds of Christmas I woke up to quiet. Not a single sound surrounded me.  I attempted to try and fill the void by think about something other than nothing.  Initially I was a bit annoyed.  I found myself searching for a thought, any thought.  I wanted so desperately to have a "by George I think I've got it" moment. I picked up a few books and flipped through the pages in hopes of finding something.  When that failed  I went on to Facebook to see what was going on in the world on Christmas morning for some inspiration.  Made a few "Merry Christmas" calls but no one answered (with the exception of Alyssa. She answered).  And sent a couple of text messages.  I even cleaned a little.  

Instead of a loud thought God had a very precious gift for me on this quiet Christmas day. He needed me to be still in order to receive His gift.  And once I stopped trying to fill the void He placed this stocking on my lap. He had me just where He wanted me, in the stillness of this day. There were no distractions, no places to go and no one around to interrupt our time together. So, I decided to sit peacefully in the palm of my Savior hand.  I eventually pulled from my stocking the gift of peace and tranquility. And for a few hours I just enjoyed the silence and the sweetest time with Him.   But I was still kind of hoping that there was an "aha  moment" under the tree.  I just didn't find or feel it for that matter.  At least that's what I initially thought.   

One by one, as the morning progressed, thoughts began to fill my head.  And the Martha in me gradually returned. I made some coffee and breakfast.  And began gathering the ingredients for my contribution to Christmas dinner.  Finished up some touches on a gift to be delivered later today.  And now, here I sit. Blogging.  And to be honest I wasn't sure a thought was ever going to come to my head to blog about.  But here it goes.  My blog about how God turned my nothing into an abundance of something.  

The past few weeks have been full of running around and searching for the perfect gifts.  I had been under the weather for weeks and truly wasn't feeling in the Christmas spirit.  I went to the mall a handful of times and left empty handed a majority of those time because I couldn't come up with an idea.  I had absolutely no idea what I was going to get for the precious people in my life.  And, much like this morning, my thoughts were blank. I remember walking through Macy's and praying that the Holy Spirit would give me the strength to get through this spree without passing out.  And that I would be successful in purchasing at least something.  He came through.  I was able to get sweaters for all the men. And a few additional little treasures.  And I didn't pass out. There was still more to get done.  Even though I never did get a handle on gift giving ideas somehow I managed to get things done.  My husband was a great help!  He gave me some direction.  I am so blessed.  

Often we go through the holiday season feeling the need to give, give and give some more. We get sucked into the idea that the more things we give the more we show our love.  We spend more money than we should, frantically searching for that perfect gift that would or could reflect just how much we love our loves.  But wait!  We got it all wrong.  Year after year falling into the same trap as the year before.  We use things as a way to gage ones love for another.  You see as I walked from store to store to store I couldn't find a single thing that would or could reflect just how much I love any individual on my gift list.  Yes, there were items that might prompt a smile.  But there wasn't a single purchasable gift that would show the magnitude of my love.  

However, this morning, as I silently sat with my Lord and Savior there was a gentle whisper.  A faint little reminder of the best gift I could ever give to the ones I love. It was my "aha" gift that I was searching so desperately for.  I was so caught up in finding the perfect gift, the perfect words to share today, that I couldn't see or hear what was right in front of me.  God purposely blessed my morning with peace and tranquility because He knew I needed to be still.  And He also made me and knows stillness is often difficult for me.  In order for me to receive the perfect gift I needed to sit with peace in my heart first.  And then He whispered, "You've lost sight of what is needed.  Trust in Me.  For I have already given all of you the most precious gift of all, Salvation.  And in your stocking I have placed peace, tranquility, wisdom and faith.  Everyday for the rest of your life I will give you a fresh fill of grace.  These gifts you need to share on a continual basis.  They are tools to show the reflection of the greatest love.  Remember the best gift is free and will cost you nothing. I loved the world so much that I gave you my one and only Son. He came into this world to carry not just your sins but all mankind's sins and transgressions. He is Immanuel, the Prince of Peace.  And this day, Christmas Day, is the day that was designated for all to take a moment to reflect on this gift."  The Lord sweetly and gently reminded me that it's not the presents but His presence that is the greatest gift.    

I pray that you are all feeling the blessings of this day.  May your hearts be overflowing with peace, grace and love.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  ~Romans 15:13

Merry Christmas

"For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace" Isaiah 9:6

Congested with His Grace and Love

Sometimes life goes the way we orchestrate it and sometimes it goes from being a sweet melody to a loud drum solo.  Do you remember Animal from The Muppets? Well these past two weeks were more like one of his drum solos. Out of control!

Two weeks ago, on Sunday, was the most normal day I can remember up until today.  I woke up had my coffee and began the day.  I knew that I would be going to work after church so I got a head start on dinner.  I love the crock pot.  Stew was on and I was on my way out the door.  Service was beautiful.  And work was nuts.  I got home well after 5pm and the family was already there hungry for the crock pot feast.  We ate and watched football and a little comedy on t.v..  I was tired early so once everyone was gone I settled down for the night.  Monday morning arrived and I woke up feeling a little "under the weather".  As the week progressed my head got more and more congested. And the drum solo began.

The first few days I woke up at my normal 3am every morning and prayed and feasted on God's word.  I always know when He has a message for me. He has a soft whisper as He gently awakens me and draws me to His feet. I found myself praying for wisdom, abundant grace and clarity.   As I began to prayed for wisdom God directed me to the book of Romans.  I felt my heart skip a beat.  There have been multiple times throughout my life that God has used this book as an instruction manual to guide me through a phase in my life.  He faithfully placed His word on my heart.  I grabbed my Kindle and dimmed the screen, pulled the covers over my head and read.  Feeling filled with grace I would start each new.  And by the end of the day I felt depleted and defeated.  I lost my temper on the phone with my west coast kid. Felt grumpy because my head was overwhelmed with nonsensical stuff.  And wasn't feeling all that joyful, wise or clear.

With each passing day I felt sicker than the day before.  As another work week was coming to and end I dreamed of on a quiet Saturday morning of sleeping in late. And I would eventually get up to start my cleaning, cooking and blogging.  Instead I woke up with a new symptom to add to the sore throat and headache. The stomach decided to join the band. So I laid on the couch.  And periodically got up and did a chore or two.  Greg worked in the morning and I knew I had to prepare for the sweet adventures of our day.  God has an amazing way of giving me just what when I need it.  And sometimes I think He thinks too much of me. Greg and I went out to seek an adventure.  We hadn't seen each other all week due to our conflicting work schedules. We tried to look for a Christmas Tree. I was a mess, grumpy and exhausted.  The "drums" were playing so loud in my head I couldn't even think.  I had been restless and coughing so much that I was getting on my own nerves.  So we headed to the pharmacy in search of a remedy for my illness and picked up every product that I could think of to clear my head.  And back to the couch we went.

Sunday morning arrived and I was feeling more horrible than ever.  I prayed for healing.  And felt compelled to go to urgent care.  I went got treated and headed back home to the couch.  Greg was working another 18 hour shift.  He called the kids and said, "No Sunday dinner tonight."  And I made myself chicken soup. And just rested.

 As I laid there on the couch I realized that I had been such a brat.  I asked to be filled with grace and God gave it to me.  And because I felt ill I neglected to share His overflowing grace with those around me.  I was short tempered all week and a bit self centered.  So, I knew where I needed to go.  It was time for me to sit in the palm of God's hand.  And for a little while I sat there comfortably and read some verses in Romans.  And as usual there He was. Comforting this brat.  Yes, God met me on the couch and comforted me.  You see He knew I need down time.  And I won't ever voluntarily take it.  So, there I was and He said, "Kathleen, you know that in all things I work for the good of those who love me.  And you may not fully understand why I have slowed you down.  But I do have a purpose." As I blew my nose and leaned over the sink, to administer the neti pot, I said, "Lord I will praise you in this "storm".  The "drums" have been so loud that my thought are hard to process.  I want to be congested with your grace and love.  I pray that you give me wisdom."  And once again I laid down for rest.

Another week passed by and the treatment that I had been prescribed at urgent care seemed to not be working.  After being prompted by some of the most caring and loving co-workers, I called my family doctor for an appointment.  I am not a fan of going to the doctor EVER.  But I know that my body is a temple.  And in order for me to faithfully be able to do what God has planned I need to get healthy.  God is merciful! And we are to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him. And once we are in the right frame of mind, body and health we are truly able to worship Him. I pray that when I get to this appointment that God will bless Dr. Paul with wisdom.  And that He would give me the grace I need to not be an impatient patient.

God has great plans.  And His promises are true.  My prayer for each of you this wee is that you will be filled abundantly with God's amazing grace.  And if you too are feeling "under the weather" that you feel God's healing hand upon you.  If your head is congested with the things of this world I suggest you take a journey on the Romans road.  Or perhaps you need to just take a moment and sit in the palm of His hand.

His Grace is Delicious...

The first few months of us becoming a "family" proved to be one of the biggest tests I had ever taken in my life up until 2003.  I thought going through a long drawn out divorce was difficult.  But this was by far my biggest challenge.  The emotions and personalities were so intense, that there were moments, I wasn't sure my second marriage would pass the test. God had a plan.  And because of His steadfast love I knew that this challenge was worth it. In Isaiah 43:2 God tells us that He will be with us through the waters we pass through, the rivers that pass over us, and the fires that surrounds us.  We will not be burned or swept over.  And so the journey continued...

The walls at O court were bursting at the seems.  We were filled to the brim. And there was a clear case of us suffering with multi-personality disorder.  We were quite the dysfunctional family.  My inherited daughters were whisperers and my biologicals were loud and outspoken.  My husband was a man of few words and I had lots of things to say.  There was a lot of give and take.  And some days there was more taking than giving from everyone.  And on top of all these personalities was this thing called expectation.  Expectation almost broke the blender. We all had our own idea of what ingredients were needed or not needed to make our "family".  For some it was all seven ingredients  and for others the number to be added was much smaller in size.

 It was our first full week as a new blended family. Greg had his daughters every other week.  And my children were with me 26 or more days out of the month. Ashley( age 17) was still home from college for a few more weeks for summer break.  And she seemed to be a bit more accepting of the new situation. Sarah (age 15) was still a bit reluctant and very rarely did I hear her speak. I knew that she was not too happy about her father and I getting married.  But I prayed continuously that God would give me the words to speak to her and Ashley that would help them feel comfortable. Kath (age 15) was sad because she was leaving the neighborhood that she loved but excited for the future.  Alyssa (age 12) was not thrilled at all with the arrangements.  She had to leave friends that she loved and a school that meant the world to her. She was very vocal and made it known that this was not where she wanted to live.  And then there was Christian ( age 9).  Mr. easy going and not a care in the world.  He seemed to be the comic relief or the peace maker. He truly was a silver lining for me most days.

Greg and I desperately wanted all five of the children to bond. The bedroom situation was addressed prior to the wedding.  Christian would be moving into the room that was once Sarah's bedroom.  Ashley and Alyssa would share Ashley's room.  And, because they were very close in age, we put Sarah and Kath into the family room that was converted into a bedroom.  And I wasn't surprised at all to find out that two of the girls were not happy about the sleeping arrangements.  I'll give you three guesses.  Sarah wanted to stay with Ashley and Alyssa wanted to stay with Kath. But Greg and I felt we made the best choice by blending them.  Christian was still happy of course.  He got his own room

One day Greg and I decided to go out and leave the children home to blend on their own.  We were nervous and excited at the same time.  I told Kath, Alyssa and Christian that they were going to be home alone with their new sisters.  And Greg told Ashley and Sarah. The most promising reaction I received was from Kath.  She was excited for multiple reasons.  The top reason was she finally getting to see what it would be like to have an older sister.  She had always been a big sister but never a little sister.  The weeks leading up to the wedding she would often share how excited she was to now have an older sister that she could bond with.  And this particular day she looked forward to not having to be "in charge" of the two youngest.  We were gone for a few hours and when we arrived home things seemed quiet.  But clearly there was still separation.   Mine to the right.  Greg's to the left. Operation "blend" seemed to have failed.

I prayed continuously throughout the days, weeks and months that followed for something to change.  My heart desired for us to be a family.  Again, expectations were overloading the blender.  Ashley returned to school.  And Sarah was left alone with the wild ones a.k.a my three children.  The divide didn't seem to be getting any better.  It actually seemed like we were all growing more distant with each other.  Kath and Alyssa felt that I chose Greg over them.  And Sarah made a decision to not go on our family honeymoon.

My heart was overwhelmed. Satan started to whisper in my ear that I was a failure. Reminding me that I certainly wasn't living up to my Proverb 31 expectations.  "She is clothed with dignity; she can laugh at the days to come"  I was losing my cool.  I found myself being clothed in self pity; and crying because I dreaded the days to come.  The future wasn't looking anything like the picture that I had painted in my head when I said, "Yes!" to Greg's proposal.

I knew that God's promises were true.  I continued to pray that God would bring this family together.  And that I would daily grow to be the Proverbs 31 wife, mom, and daughter He created me to be.  As I prayed and searched the handbook on life (the Bible) God began to give me nuggets of wisdom to speak to the children.  I knew that what I was instructing them to do was with the parameters of God's plan.  I prayed so hard and so much that God would reveal to me the heart of my children.  All five of my children.  And my heart again was overwhelmed.  You see He gave me insight into what was going on in each of their lives.  And as I watched over the affairs of their daily lives I saw them walking in a direction that wasn't so good.  They were whispering about each other behind each others backs.  My two girls to each other, me and their friends and his two girls to each other, him and their friends.  We all began to feast on the bread of idleness.
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After a few months of us not "blending" and eating bad bread we decided to try and have family meetings.  They didn't go so well.  It was just more opportunity for us to show off our apparent personalities.  The loud were loud and the silent remained silent.  Eventually the loud became bitter because nothing seemed to change. And the silent just grew more silent.  Greg and I seemed to be defending our biologicals. And there was a wedge forming.  It was becoming evident the we were not growing to be one team.  We needed to be united.  We were just like vinegar and oil. For a moment, the time we gathered as a family, we seemed to be blending.  But once the meeting adjourned again we separated and the divide was evident.  My heart seemed more and more overwhelmed after these meetings and Satan's lies were louder than my loudest child.  I came away feeling battered and torn. I knew that God had a plan.  It was just not that easy to see it in the beginning.

I prayed and prayed and prayed some more as the months pressed on.  And held on to the promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose. God is faithful!  I gradually began to see some changes. Yes, there was a light at the end of the tunnel!  Kath and Sarah were beginning to become "friends".  Every time I would see them interacting with each other it brought joy, great joy, to my heart.  Kath had accepted Sarah as her sister.  She introduced her as her sister to her friends and others.  They were no longer just room mates.  Eventually they became partners in crime.  She gained another younger, not by much, sister.  Although she wanted an older sister she was happy with gaining Sarah.  She was good at being a big sister.  So, it came naturally to her to be protective and caring.  Kath had been deeply hurt by words that were exchanged on that first day we left them all home together.  She never shared them with me at the time.  It wasn't until years later that she divulged this tidbit of information. And in retrospect I praise God for instilling forgiveness in Kath's heart.  And trust in Sarah's heart.  I believe it was because of their bond the blending became easier.

Even though there was progress, in the tasting kitchen,  I knew that we still had a long journey ahead of us.  But I also knew that God's would gently guide us into the blender every day that we shared as a family.  Our journey wasn't easy and the recipe was difficult to read. And yes we often had to improvise on the ingredients.  We still don't have the perfect family.  But our recipes that we created over the years are pretty delicious.

I pray that God would continue to bless and season our families every day.  And that we prayerfully wait for the outcome.  Nothing tastes good under cooked or over processed. And with God as the main ingredient how can it turn out wrong?  His grace is delicious and covers a multitude of wrong measurements.