A Quiet Nook on the Balcony....A moment of fear and lack of obedience.

Summer has been quite full.  And God has been very present in this season. I have felt Him guiding and protecting me continuously in these past few weeks.

Life is never dull.  I remember as a child on occasion saying, "I'm bored.  There's nothing to do".  How I wish I could have bottled those "nothing to do" moments and save them for now.  I feel like time is passing so quickly.  One minute you are kissing your babies as they are swaddled in your arms.  And the next you are kissing them good-bye as they head off to another town, city, state, and or country.  

Greg and I love the precious moments when our children are all together in on place.  Those moments are few and far between these day.  So, we have learned to cherish the moments we have.  This summer we had a dysfunctional family vacation.  We had everyone in one place if you count Facetime with the west coaster for a brief minute. We rented a house in Wildwood, NJ for a week. The house was spacious. And timing seemed perfect.  As one or two of the children were arriving one or two were preparing to leave. Like ships passing.  So we didn't have to worry much about sleeping arrangements.  There were moments of laughter, tears, frustration, joy, tranquility and exhaustion.  Greg and I spent the week serving our children and grandchildren.  And there were moments they were serving us.  This wasn't the most relaxing vacation.  However, there were many many blessings.  

During our stay at the beach I found myself  a quiet nook on the balcony early each morning.  The tranquility of that time had my heart smiling because God's voice seemed clearer in those moments.  A clarity I hadn't felt in a while.  I was able to be still, get in His word, and do something I enjoy.  Sit at His feet.  I also had time so I began reading book after book after book.  And I stumbled upon a book that I couldn't continue reading.  Not because I didn't enjoy it.  It was quite the contrary.  The author of the book asked a few questions and made a suggestion that literally stopped me in my tracks.  And out of fear, and lack of obedience in the moment, I put the book down.  But the questions he presented lingered in my head the entire day.  And the answers quite frankly made me uneasy. "What if you faced the sin in your life this very day with a period of mourning?  Genuine mourning.  What if you spent time reflecting and grieving over the sin in the world around you?  Is thinking about this going to change or transform you? " All these questions were followed by a challenge to, for seven days, go into a time of penitential mourning.

Wow, right?!?  What if?  I have to be honest.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I found myself praying and reflecting on the sermon on the mount.  And within a few weeks it was clear that I needed to be obedient.  Everywhere I turned God was gently whispering to me about this "state of mourning".  I turned on the radio and songs would play that made me think about my personal sins and the sins of this mad world. Each time I went to church the sermon nudged me again.  Ditto with my list of pod casts that I listen to daily.

So, out of obedience I am going back to the book, "The end of me" by Kyle Idleman.  I know that there will be great blessings as I seek scripture to back me up on this journey.  I pray that the Holy Spirit guides me through the process and places a hedge of protection around me in my most vulnerable moments and also on my prideful moments too.  

A few years back I had set out on a period of mourning my sins.  I had asked the Lord to allow me to see the sins of my past and present.  As memories of the horrible and dark things I had done flooded my head and heart I just sobbed.  I found myself in tears and broken.  I was overwhelmed by my sinful nature and became paralyzed over things I had done and said in my past and even in my current place.  To mourn my sins wasn't natural.  I had taken on this whole "sinner saved by grace" mentality.  I knew that if I confessed my sins before the Lord, He would be faithful to forgive me.  And as a result I became arrogant.  I stopped feeling the pain and repercussions of what I was doing.  And let me be honest I was basked in God's grace.  It became almost natural for me to point out the sins of the world and others around me.  I had become quite the Pharasee. Yes, I was a judgmental sinner.  I could see what everyone else was doing wrong.  But I gradually became complacent in grace.  I took for granted what God did for me in love.  The ultimate sacrifice wasn't as clear as it should have been. 

I praise God for giving me the memories of my sinful past.  He promises us that He will forgive our sins.  And that when we truly come to Him for that forgiveness those sins are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12)   During that sin memory flood Jesus showed up and became real.  I was broken and He was loving.  As I remembered each thing I had done I thought about the cost of that sin.  And the repercussion that each one had and still has today.  Gossip is the crown of thorns upon His head.  Hatred, the lashes to His back.   Jealously and bitterness the splinters from the cross rubbing as He carried them too.  And ultimately our sins of murder (if you think it you've done it), robbery (taking anything that doesn't belong to you...even if it was left behind), and selfish pride nailed Him to the cross.  

What does it mean when Jesus said, " blessed are those who mourn" and "blessed are those who are poor in spirit"? 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Which Can is Corn and Which is Peas....

 Labels can be really helpful and important.  And they can also be harmful and misleading. Have you ever thought about the labels we give to things, places and people? I sometimes wonder why Adam called a giraffe a giraffe.  And how did he come up with a name for everything? And did he seek God's approval for each thing and place that he titled?  Maybe I spend too much time pondering on this reality.  However, recently this label thing has left me feeling a bit perplexed.

 Yes, labels can be very important at times. For just a minute I want you to imagine you are getting ready to head over to the grocery store.  You have a list of items that you need to purchase.  Lettuce, avocados, red onion, ground turkey, cumin, coriander, a can of black beans, a can of corn, and shredded cheese.  Guess what you're m aking?  Anyway, you arrive at the market and you walk in the door.  All of the produce is thrown on a table like a pot of vegetable soup.  And the shelves are packed with boxes, bags and cans.  Nothing is labeled.  The boxes are all tan with nothing written on them.  Each can is missing it's paper wrapper.  And all the dry good bags are made of an aluminum non transparent type material.  It may be easy to identify the Lettuce, avocados, red onion and maybe even the ground turkey.  But be careful.  Looks can be deceiving.  You find yourself feeling frustrated because you cannot figure out which can is corn and which is peas.  You arrive at the meat counter and they have ground pork, turkey, chicken and veal all side by side without any label indicating which is which. They look alike but the recipe strictly calls for ground turkey.  Just then you realize that the prices aren't  on the shelves or the items you need to purchase.  Yes in this situation labels are absolutely necessary.

So what is the deal with me feeling so perplexed.  Well it's the labels we give each other.  I am not talking about the positive labels.  I am talking about the mean, horrible, disgusting and judgmental labels we place on the people we don't particularly care for or even know.  We are all guilty of shunning someone at one point in our life.

This morning I sat and read Ezekiel 16.  I had to read it a few times to let it sink in.  My understanding of this scripture is that, even when our circumstances take us to places where our friends, family and strangers will label us with a, not so appealing, name, our Heavenly Father still lavishes us with grace.

Nothing will prevent God from using what we would classify as "unusable" people. You see we are all addicted to sin.  If you look throughout the old testament you will find that God uses liars, adulterers, harlots and even people, like the ones we have shunned, to change the world. "God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him." 1 Corinthians 1:28-29 

I am pretty sure that Abraham, David, Solomon, and the woman of Ezekiel 16, along with others from both the old and new testament, would be escorted out of our churches if they showed up today. And I often wonder if Jesus showed up to a church service what label would we give Him? Would we run to Him?  Would our heart skip a beat?  Or would we label Him a street bum and request that He sit in the back to be less of a distraction?  Perhaps, we might find a reason to judge Him by His clothing or the color of his skin too.

When the world rejects us God search and finds us in the dumpster and showers us with His mercy and love. Then He pours His essence on us.  Clothes us in the finest garments.  Puts the most comfortable and fashionable shoes on our feet.  Initially, we are drawn to His side.  We wake up each morning and greet Him with a prayer.  We sip on that cup of fresh brewed grace and head out into the world.  Eventually the world seems to appeal more to us than the alone time we have with our Lord and Heavenly Father.  So, we gradually spend less and less time at His feet and more and more time in the world.  Only to wind up feeling judged, beat up, hated and confused. The world will take and take some more.  And when you are down and out it will beat you until you have nothing left to give.  The woman in Ezekiel 16 cared more for the things of this world.  She started out abandoned, rejected and alone.  But then in an instant was found and transformed into a princess.  Everything she needed her adopted father provided.  However, her desires for what the world had to offer became greater.  Her attitude was that of entitlement.  And she no longer wanted what her father, the one who found her abandoned in her filth as an infant, had to offer her. She left his side and went out to discover "herself".  She gave her money, jewelry, clothing and all her possessions away to anyone who would give her attention.  She even gave herself away.  And as time went on her life, along with her reputation, was ruined.  Every time she walked into a room she was labeled by the others. She was called a harlot, even worse than a harlot.  Prostitutes were even slinging labels her way.  There she was naked, cold, empty and alone.  The scars were too many for her to bear.  And just when she was ready to give up she hears a familiar voice.  His hand reaches out to her.  She hesitates.  How could he have known where to find her?  Why did he come to rescue her? She reaches for his hand and he pulls her to him and holds her so tight she can't breath.  Overwhelmed she cries and says, "Father, I am not worthy of your love.  I am a disgrace to your name."  Her father looks adoringly at her and kisses her muddy face.  He says to her, "You are a princess.  And those who know me will see that you are the source of my joy.  I have never stopped loving you."  He took her home bathed her, lavished her with love, and nursed her back to health.

Unfortunately the world will continue to be a harsh place to live.  We love to define and label people by the sin in their lives whether it be from their past or if they are knee deep in it currently.   If we are all made in His image why do we spend so much time pulling each other apart.  We should be blinded by God's unrelenting grace and His unconditional love. We need to stop defining each other by our skin color, hair, clothing, shoes, jobs and financial status.  And we must learn to forgive and reflect on God's mercies.  They are new every morning (Lamination 3: 22-23)   I  pray that the God of mercy and grace will renew our mercy for each other every day.  Not only do I pray the He renew mercy, but I pray that He'll make us tenderhearted.  God's grace has a divine never ending supply.  So, when the world gives you an unfavorable label just remember that your creator's name for you is the only label that matters.  God will come in and sweep you up and embrace what the world once labeled as an unworthy, broken, hot mess of a child and lavish us with mercy, love and never ending grace.

I.M.A.G.E

Are you ready for a makeover?  I know I am.  I want to be the best me I can be.  I want to be faithfully seeking God on a daily basis.  I want to see His truths more vividly.  And as I prayerfully seek these truths I hope that the lies that I have listened to over the years will fade.

Image is big deal.  And the more women I talk to the more I realize that I am not alone in believing that I am just not "all that".  And just like a lot of other women I have a tendency of picking out every flaw in my body.  And it just makes me feel horrible about myself.  So, what am I going to do about it?

The past few months I have gotten into the routine of reminding myself that I am a princess.  And that my Heavenly Father created me in His image.  Each time I find a flaw in my image I am decreasing the beauty of His image.  I am Made Alluring as God Envisioned I.M.A.G.E. And with that being said I have been waking up and having a sweet conversation with God.  Before my feet hit the floor I say, "Kathleen, you are created in God's image.  Yes I am made alluring, adorable, appealing, and amazing just the way God envisioned me to be. I.M.A.G.E.

I have been on many diet roller coasters and beauty regimens over the years.  I once did a costly wellness diet and was quite successful. But it emptied my pockets. I tried a few other things like the 7 day diet, The Master's Cleanse, and many others.  At first the pounds rapidly fell off.  The only down side was that once I went back to eating normal foods, that I liked, I gain the pounds back.  And I think those pounds brought a few extra ounces along with them. Needless to say I wasn't too successful. Like I said the one "diet" that did seem to work was too costly.  And let's face it I am cheap.  I needed to do something that didn't cost me extra money.  And I thought to myself, "what would happen if I gave up the cow?"   I was never much of a milk drinker or beef eater.  So, the thought of being completely cow free wasn't too alarming.  I went "cold turkey" so to speak.  And for almost two years I read labels, asked how meals were prepared, and the cow was never to be found on my plate or in my cup.  I lost a lot of weight.  My body was toned.  And I felt great about me.

Well, the trend was broken.  I started working at a desk job.  And along with the sedentary job I formed some pretty bad eating and other rotten habits.  I sit for 99% of my work day.  I walk about 100 steps to the lunch room, chat and chew for 30 - 40 minutes and head back to the desk.  My diet consisted of easy and on the go foods and that is how I reignited my passion for cheese.  And here I am today almost one thousand bricks of cheese later (enjoyed one delicious creamy brick at a time).  And now there are few pounds more of me to love.  

Let's start at the very beginning.  A very good place to start (hope you are singing).  The question is, "Where is the beginning"? Well, for me I thought it was going to be this past January.  I was getting ready to leave for vacation and I needed to weigh my luggage. I stepped on the scale and almost passed out.  In total disbelief I stepped off and back on again.  No change.  I was 143.6 lbs.  OUCH!!!!!  I cried and decided that once I returned home I was going to change my eating habits.  I absolutely need  to make that change.  Change is good!! Right?!?   Well not so fast.  Bad habits are hard to break.

In the past weight was never an issue for me.  I didn't need to exercise.  I could eat my weight in food every day and not gain an ounce.  But now that I am older my metabolism has slowed down greatly. And I find myself on the roller coaster of weight gain and loss.  After our vacation I got home and started walking every day.  By the end of February I was diagnosed with Shingles and Kidney stones.  I found myself pacing the floors to help alleviate the intensity of the pain.  This wasn't the exercise program I had in mind.  But it did get me moving.  I made some dietary changes and by April 1st I was a feeling thinner. So, I stepped on the scale and I was 138.6 lbs. I started doing the 21 day fix with my daughters and my body was changing too. By May 27th (Alyssa's wedding day) I was 127 lbs.  Yeah me!!  Hold on.  hold on.  It didn't last long.  I hopped right back on that roller coaster.  And started eating whatever and whenever I wanted. Yep, as of this morning I am back up to 132 lbs. You might be thinking that I am nuts right about now.  But hold on for a second.  On March 11th 2013 I weighed 112.4 lbs. In three years I gained a toddler (figuratively). That one thousand pounds of cheese turned into a 26 pound barnacle around my stomach, butt and thighs. This was not a change for the good. 

No better time like the present for me to make some better choices and make a good change. Yep, pick a date and stick to it. No matter what!!!  My start date is today! July 10th is the first day of the rest of my life.  It's not going to be easy. But, I will consume a lot less cow products over the next few weeks.  And hopefully I will kick the cheese and cracker snacker habit for good. I pray that I finally picked a date that I would truly commit to making the change.  And I am not doing this alone.  Praise God that I am part of a challenge.  Yes, a group of nonjudgmental, healthy lifestyle seeking individuals are taking this journey with me. And more important than those people I have asked the Holy Spirit to be my 24 hour a day coach.   Accountability, along with a plan, is the key to success.

Failure to plan is the plan to fail. So my plan is simple.  I will start each morning prayerfully seeking God.  I will remind myself, before looking in the mirror, I.M.A.G.E I am Made Alluring as God Envisioned.  Yes, I am made in His perfect image.  I will prep and measure my foods for the day (meals and snacks included) And stick to what I prepared. I will exercise each day for 10-30 minutes.  I plan to weigh myself every Wednesday and Sunday morning.  I will cheer myself on in all the ups and forgive myself in the downs. I will prayerfully slow down and eat only until I am full.  After-all my body is a temple.  I will hydrate and take supplements to maintain the inside of this temple too. 

You might be asking why I decided to share this with all of you.  Well, it's simple. We all took a journey together recently.  We discovered together how God relentlessly pursues us.  I pray, if you are riding that same roller coaster that I am, that you will make a decision to take this next ride with me as well.  There are going to be a lot of ups and downs.  But I know that by God's grace and His amazing love we will be able to accomplish our goals. It is for His glory, His honor and His praise that I want to make this temple, my body, the healthiest and strongest it has ever been.  And if you want to do this together let's lift each other in prayer and remind each other daily the we are made in His IMAGE.

Time To Grab the Lasso

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing." ~Zephaniah 3:17

This has been quite an eventful week for my family.  Our daughter, Ashley and her other half, Brian along with our niece, Laura were all traveling from Istanbul to spend the summer back home.  Laura was scheduled to depart on Tuesday and Ashley and Brian Wednesday. Laura got on her flight and safely arrived home on Tuesday evening.  And unbeknownst to her, shortly after her departure, there was an attack at the airport that she flew out of that morning. Ashley and Brian's flight home was cancelled.  They were safe.  Praise God! They both managed to get on another flight and arrived at JFK a day later than they planned.

My emotions seemed to be all over the place.  And my sleep pattern looked more like the the scribbles of a toddler than what "the sandman" planned.  This wasn't the first time fear for one of my children pour through my veins.  But this time seemed a little more intense. I played through some pretty terrible scenarios in my mind.  And my heart raced.  The world seemed too big for this mom to grasp.  All of our kids are out of the house and some live close while others are distant. I get little glimpses into their lives every now and then. And I absolutely love the little morsels they give me on a daily basis with phone calls, text messages, FaceTime calls and Facebook posts.  But this week I felt I needed more.  I wanted to hug each one of them and never let them go.  I came home from work on Friday and seeing Ashley warmed my heart and the hug wasn't just for her it was for me too.

Time to grab the lasso.  Yes, my thoughts needed to be gathered and brought to the place that I know they would be addressed properly; God's feet.  As I sat there praying for my husband, my children, my grands, my family and my friends I was lead to Zephaniah 3: 17.  God wanted me to rest in the knowledge that He is not only in my midst but in the midst of my loved ones as well.  He is a mighty God.  And even though this world is feeling too vast for me it isn't too vast for the One who spoke it to existence.  He is rejoicing over me and with me with deep gladness.  Things won't always go the way I want them to go.  There may even come a day that this world will break my heart.  But I know that I can seek rest in the palm of God's hand.  He will quiet me by His love and exult over me with loud singing.  Yes, He will drown out the sounds of this crazy mad world by singing His melody of unconditional love and abounding grace.

The Wedding....A Lesson About Grace.

I cannot believe that it has been a month since I sat down and had a quiet moment on a Saturday to share my heart, thoughts and ideas with you.  Life has been busy.  But know that I have been thinking and praying that God has opened your eyes and heart to receive His abundant blessings.

On May 27th our youngest daughter, Alyssa, married a wonderful young man, Mike.  The days leading up to the wedding were stressful and seemed never ending. The house was full again.  All the children (adults) were home for the celebration.  There was so much to do.  Final dress fittings, the rehearsal dinner, pick up flowers, put the finishing touches on the d.i.y. wedding trinkets.  And so may more little little details that in the moment seemed very important.  The planned ceremony was to be held outdoors.  And the weather forecast, earlier in the week, was cloudy, rainy, and chilly.  The bride-to-be, along with my husband, tracked the weather for May 27th multiple times each day.  I remained calm and reminded her that God was in control.  As the day got closer the stress in her grew.  We all seemed to have moments of misdirected focus.  We received word that a few family members would not be able to make it to the ceremony and reception due to an unexpected surgery and some health related issues.  And because we paid over a hundred dollars per person we thought about who we could invite last minute to take their place without insulting them.  Yes, the focus in that moment was the fact that we couldn't get reimbursed for the last minute cancellations.  Don't get me wrong.  We prayed for Alyssa's step grand-mom, Mike's grandparents and our friend Tim to feel God's healing hand.  And we were thankful that they were courteous and told us instead of just not showing up.  The idea that hundreds of dollars were "wasted (for lack of a better word)" seemed difficult to swallow.  But even more difficult was the fact that these loved ones wouldn't be there to celebrate the most important day of their lives.  Their wedding day.  And the craziness continued to grow.  It felt like one disappointment after another. The wedding gown was hemmed improperly and had to be redone.  The forecast went from chilly to steamy hot and we had to place a last minute order for hand fans for the guests.  And a few other little things.

The Wedding weekend arrived!  And so did the sea of emotions. The day before the wedding we were all running around like chickens without heads. Alyssa and I went to go tanning (I got a spray tan) in the morning and have a little mom and daughter time. And the weather was beautiful and very hot.  We ran home and had to continue crafting.  Then we started throwing bottles, candles, flowers and wedding attire into everyone's cars.  I was sweating and my patience was wearing thin.  I realized that I had no room in my car, after putting my mom's, Greg's and Ashley's possessions in the back, for my bags.  So I crammed them at my feet.  And off we went to the hotel.  I looked in the vanity mirror and saw that my tan was running down my neck.  Ughh.  I started to cry. I just wanted to look nice for the big day.  And instead I now sat there thinking I looked like I was playing in the dirt.  Alyssa  called me and I told her about my dilemma.  She assured me that it would be fine. I hung up and quietly gathered my thoughts.  And began praying.  "Lord, help me to focus on what your plan is.  Keep my eyes on you.  Give me peace in my heart.  And thank you for your grace."

We all had our own idea about how the wedding day was going to be.  I know for the bride she envisioned it to be a bit different.  The sun was hot and we were all dripping with sweat.  The venue neglected to put the air conditioner on in the barn, where the cocktail hour was held, early enough to cool the room down.  We paid for extra time during the cocktail hour and because the temperature was unbearable it was shortened.  The guests ran to the reception area to seek relief from the barn because it was cooler in there.  The ovens broke as the caterer was preparing the food which caused a delay. The DJ wasn't playing anything that the bride and groom had spent months putting together for their perfect day.  As a matter of fact I think he must have been playing someone else's play list that evening.  I had to tell him multiple time to play songs that Alyssa expressed that she really wanted played.  And then he played a song that she was adamant about not having it played at her wedding (I heard it through the grape vine).  Then there were the "no shows". Yes, it was hurtful.  Alyssa and Mike had chosen people to invite to their special day that meant something to them.  They had to take friends off their list to include family members who touched their lives throughout the years.  So, as they noticed the tags and empty seats it saddened and hurt them.  Alyssa said, a few days later, that she was disappointed that they didn't call or anything.  And this is where "grace" comes in.

The beginning of this blog was me ranting about the disappointments that were felt about the days leading up to and including the wedding day.  Our expectations were not met.  We have all heard, "God's grace is sufficient".  But have you ever really thought about what that looks like in the aftermath of disappointment?  God's grace often has a way of offending our sense of justice.  His grace is one way. And it isn't full of prejudice.  No one asks for it.  He just gives it.  He doesn't give us grace expecting us to give Him something in return.  No, it's just the opposite. He gives us a fresh fill every day because He loves us. And we don't get to tell Him who we think is worthy or unworthy to receive it.  It's His gift to give and not our to decide who to delegate it to or how much each one should receive. I have said many times that if God's grace is sufficient for me my grace should be sufficient for others.  And this statement can be a hard pill to swallow.  Just as God gives me grace I need to extend that to the vendors that didn't do things "my" way.  And I have to be willing to give grace to those "no shows" too.  Because grace covers a multitude of disappointments and leaves us with joy.

Alyssa and Mike said their "I do's" and began to celebrate with their loved ones.  They had fun and will cherish the memories created that day. And as a result of all the disappointments they too are learning a lesson about grace.  They came home from their honeymoon refreshed and ready to enter into their new roles as husband and wife.  Alyssa experienced yet another disappointment when she looked at her wedding band and noticed a diamond was missing.  She was immediately crushed and upset.  We talked about what was most important.  She needed to be redirected.  The next day she called the jeweler and they repaired the ring at no cost.  This was unexpected.  She was thinking they were going to charge her and they didn't.  They even went above and beyond by repairing it the same day.  This is just a small example of grace flowing from God into the jeweler and out to the newlyweds.

Over the course of a few days we talked about the events of the wedding I encouraged her to focus on the beauty of the day  And for her to reflect on how God's grace was refreshing.   There were many truly amazing and wonderful thing that occurred on May 27th 2016.  Alyssa and Mike stood before the Lord and "promised to God" that they would love each other for the rest of their lives.  And in that moment nothing else mattered.  They stood there face to face and God poured a pitcher of grace over both of them.   Yes, the weather was hot but the sun was shining and the day was blessed.  Everyone loved the food and the signature drink was a hit.  And we discovered that people will dance to just about any song (even if it wasn't on the list).  The photographers were great and captured the joyfulness of the day.  And the photo booth had an endless line of people wanting to show their silly side.  All in all by the grace of God their wedding day was beautiful.

The Secret Keeper

We just spent a little over eight weeks learning and growing deeper in a relationship with the God who sees you and me as perfect and treasured.  I cannot believe we are at the end of this sweet journey.  I feel so incredibly blessed!  El Roi has truly guided my heart to a place I am certain I never knew before.  I still have moments that I am really down on myself.  But He gently whispers in my ear, "Kathleen, you are made in My image.

How many times in your lifetime have your read through 1 John?  I would have to say, for me, more times than I can count.  And throughout the past few months I feel that the Holy Spirit has been guiding me to those pages a lot.  The message is very clear. Nobody is perfect. We all fall short.  God sees every detail of our life.  He knows when I wake up, what I eat, where I go, who I talk to. He knows what I am thinking, contemplating and much more.  He knows it all.  He is the secret keeper.

We all have a secret or two.  And this isn't going to be a blog about me revealing my deepest darkest secrets to all of you.  Quite frankly my sins are really none of your business.  I am not trying to be rude.  They just aren't.  I may have shared a few of them with some of you in the past.  I believe that often those sinful secrets are good to reveal when I want to share how God, the secret keeper and holder of my heart, can and does still love me.

Like I said, "we all have secrets".  But what  happens when those secrets bind us and prevent us from moving forward.  Those BIG stinkin secrets that escalate into a mountain of lies.  We fear that the truth will one day be revealed.  We walk on egg shells when at family functions because "they" might talk to each other and find out the truth. Or you bump into a work friend on a day you called out sick and it's evident you were not sick.  Awkward to say the least.

In 1 John God calls us to live in the light.  The secret keeper wants us to tell the truth.  When we tell the truth we don't have to worry about the story.  I would have to say that I admire the fact that my husband is a pretty truthful man.  If I look good he tells me I look good.  And if I look bad.  He doesn't say a word.  Ha ha ha. But seriously he really is quite honest.  However, he too has a few secrets in his head and heart. But when Greg tells me something the story is always consistent and never cloudy.  There are some people in my life that if they told me the sky was blue and the grass was green I would have to go a see it for myself.  It makes me sad when trust is broken because it hurts a multitude of people.  There is a bit of a trickle down effect.  The person or persons being lied to feel duped and the ones being lied about feel betrayed.  As a parent I have been the liar, the lied to and the lied about.  I am not eighteen, you are smoking and I am not the evil one.  All angles and aspects of a lie can cause pain.  Not just for the victims but for the liar too.  Lies cause separation. I have seen it in my own family. And I know my own heart has felt guilt and shame over lies from my past.  And that guilt and shame has put a wedge between me, my loves and God.  Just like Adam and Eve.  I want to hide in a dark corner.

Over the years my husband and I have sinned against each other and God.  We both have secrets and I believe we are both okay with that.  We are pretty equally yolked in that aspect.  Every now and then we have a heart to heart and reveal a little more to each other.  We are still learning each other and I believe that it will be a lifetime of learning.  There are moments that it's hard to share the deep dark secrets.  But God has consistently guided us to a loving place to let the light of truth shine.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?  Well in my opinion when I feel guilty about something I am usually in the midst of a sinful situation.  And I feel shameful when I realize that I
followed through and actually acted in a sinful manner. Both of these emotions cause me to become distant.  How do I stand before a loving God knowing I willingly lied, cheated, stole and or betrayed someone?  How could he possibly look a me and smile ever again?  Love.  Grace.  And Jesus.  Yes, God sent Jesus as an advocate.  He is the atoning sacrifice for my sins, your sins and everybody's sins.  We need to forgive ourselves and others.  Yes, forgive yourself.  Place those secrets, lies and your sinful nature in His hands.  Let go and let God.  If He wants your sin to be revealed have faith that He knows what and why he is shining the spot light on you.

Praying for all of you!  And waiting on the Lord to guide my heart as we prepare for the next part of the journey.  "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders."

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You Can't Change the World

I hope you all had a relaxing and blessed Mother's Day.  I worked this weekend and I realize I am a few days late.  But better late than never. My Mother's Day was quiet and absolutely blessed.  My husband and I decided to sponsor another child.  His name is Jhoel.  He is eight.  And cute as can be!  As a mom it brings joy to my heart each time we receive a letter from our other children that we sponsor in Africa and Asia.  And now we have a son in Bolivia.

Wow can you believe we are in chapter seven already?  I have been so blessed. And I have learned so much about God's love and grace.  And praise him for giving me eyes to see me the way He sees me....created in His image.

Have you ever felt like God was trying to get your attention?  I know I have felt that way multiple times.  And this week there was a lesson to be learned.  And that lesson was to see others the same way God wants me to see me.  Created in His image!  And there is a song that comes to mind when I think about seeing God in everyone.  It's called, "Jesus in disguise" by Brandon Heath.  The words are pretty powerful.  "Ever get something in your head?  It's nothing you heard or nothing you read.  Ever had a cut but you never saw a blade?  Brought to your knees but you never prayed.  Jesus in disguise. Jehovah passing by. The burden of a tear hanging in your eye.  Jesus in disguise.  A scar across the sky.  You were looking for a king you would never recognize.  Jesus in disguise.  Ever feel like you've been somewhere before? You hold the key. You know which door.  Speak the word your lips have never known because your heart told you so. Jesus in disguise. Jehovah passing by. The burden of a tear hanging in your eye.  Jesus in disguise...A scar across the sky.  You were looking for a king you would never recognize.  Jesus in disguise.  So open my eyes as wide as I can blind as I am.  Blind as I am. Jesus in disguise."

Yep, He wants me to look around and see His face in everyone around me.  And that can be a bit of challenge depending on day and the person standing before me. There are people from my past and present that I honestly have a difficult time seeing God's face in them.  But He is putting this challenge on my heart to seek Him in a way that is a bit uncomfortable.  The God who sees me wants me to look deeper.  And He wants me to seek Him in the face of an enemy, a stranger, and in the face of those who have offended and hurt me deeply.  He even wants me to seek Him in the people that drive me out of my mind.

So, here I go.  I thought changing my perspective of me was challenging.  How do I even begin to change my vision toward others? It would be such a beautiful place to exist if we could all see God in each other.  The world would be full of love, light and perfection. However, fear, doubt and the voice in my head shouts, "You can't change the world, Kathleen."  I am just now getting used to seeing me in with a clearer focus.  I have to remind myself daily that I am made in God's image.  And now I have to add that everyone around me is made in His image too.  Really, everyone? Lord, how on earth am I going to be able to see You in the midst of the arrogant, selfish, rude and evil people that exist?  You are beautiful and perfect.  And this world, for the most part, contains a lot of not so perfect people.

God doesn't expect me to change the world.  He only requires me to change my perspective.  Instead of listening to the negative thoughts that are in my head I need to focus on His truths. We are the hands and feet.  In Matthew 25: 31-46 Jesus tells us that whatsoever we do to the least of these we do unto Him.  When we change our perspective and see Him in the face of our children, our spouse, our friends, siblings, parents, extended family, and co-workers it not that difficult.  But a change occurs when we begin to seek Him in those who push our buttons; bad drivers, rude clerks, self absorbed people, and those who have hurt you in the past and or the present.  Yes, when we begin to seek the face of God in those that offend us our hearts become transformed.  And instead of their ugliness we see His reflection.

You never really know what is going on in someone's life. When the cashier at the store is miserable we don't know the circumstances behind her frown.  When we are cut off in traffic by a crazy driver we don't know why or what they are rushing for.  And when we are hurt by our loved ones because of something that was said or done in anger we don't know the details leading up to the explosion.  How often do we put ourselves on a pedestal?  We neglect to remember the times we were miserable, in a rush and spoke harsh words.   We can be judgmental and very critical of others.  It's a natural response. And this is where the change comes into play.  Take those thoughts captive, blink a few times, and wait until you can focus before you judge.  Remember a time when you needed someone to just smile at you because you were having the worst day ever.  Or when someone slowed down and let you go ahead of them.  And the times when a loved one let you word vomit all over them only to hold your hand and say, "I love you."

Life is busy.  And we are often in such a rush that we don't see someone in need.  Or perhaps we do but we need to get to that next place and don't have time to stop and help that child that can't find a parent.  Or the man in the supermarket trying to find stuffing mix.  A few weeks ago I was running around Giant supermarket like a chicken without a head.  I had people coming over to help with wedding crafts.  And my quick trip to the market turned into a blessing.  I met an man named John.  He was looking for something.  I noticed him multiple times.  There was a sadness in his face.  And he looked lost.  After seeing him, half way through the shopping spree, I stopped and smiled at him.  He asked me if I could help him.  He told me that he just lost his wife of 62 years and he never had to shop at the market.  He wanted to make dinner for his children that were visiting.  So, I initially wanted to brush him off because I knew people would be arriving at the house within the hour.  I didn't have the time.  But I did.  And I was blessed in being a blessing.  I asked John to show me his list.  And we went through the market on a treasure hunt to make a feast for his family.  I left him after we completed the necessities.  As I got to the check out I saw him again.  And walked over to him and thanked him for blessing me.  And gave him my number.

Like I said before seeing God's image in others is somewhat difficult.  Actually it is quite impossible.  It is only by the grace of God that my vision changes.  And the possibility of seeing His image becomes clear. "With men this is impossible, but with God all thins are possible"~Matthew 19:26. When we chose to love God first and seek Him than loving your neighbor, family. friends and strangers becomes easier.


Okay here is the assignment for this week.....

Read the book of 1 John in a translation that you don't normally read.  www.biblegateway has a variety of translations.  What does 1 john suggest to you about living in the light of the God who sees you? What are some secrets that you have held on to in the past and feared they would be revealed? Were the revealed?  How did it happen?  What was the result?

How do you you think secrets and lies are connected?  How do secrets become lies?

What, in your opinion, is the difference between guilt and shame?  Do they have the same or a different remedy?

Think about some examples from your own life or the lives of others, of how an urge to control can cause us to hide from the light.  Do you believe attempts to control are always sinful?  What makes them harmful?

If you could write out your own policy on dealing with secrets what would it be?

Have you ever faced a situation where lies and hurtful words were being said about you?  How did you respond, and what was the result?  How do we let go and continue to walk in the light when something like this happens?

Have a blessed rest of the week!! Know that you are being lifted in prayer. And God sees you.  Be beautiful and shine!