What me worry?........Anxiety leads to stress and stress to anxiety....

I have to say that I don't normally consider myself a worrier or some one who is overwhelmed with anxiety.  But I recently discovered that deep within I have the ability to be one of the biggest culprits of this condition.  In Philippians 4 we are instructed to  "Be anxious about nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."  Okay, sounds pretty simple.  So why is it that I still worry about silly things like....."did I remember to feed the animals" (And by animals I do mean the cat and the dog.....not the kids) It is our human nature to second guess.  We are human after all.  And in being human we certainly aren't perfect.

Recently I was asked what I thought was God's definition of peaceful.  Well that seemed like an easy thing for me to answer.  I thought about when my kids were little.  We didn't have much money, so I tried to save energy by using candles instead of turning on the lights.  For a few years our living room didn't even have a lamp.  I called this room the "tranquility room".  I spent many nights reading His word by candle light and being "still".  So my initial answer to this question was the "tranquility room".  Those quiet moments when there is no ciaos around.

 I then read a story, which took the "tranquility room" to a new level, about two artists that were asked to paint a picture of peace as they perceived it.  One painted a quiet lake far back in the mountains.  The other, a picture of a raging waterfall which had a tree leaning over it with a bird resting in a nest on one of the extended branches.  The artist who depicted peace as the waterfall and the bird showed the true idea of peace in God.  You see there is no peace without opposition.

We often think that life as a believer should be simple and easy.  Well that my friend is wrong thinking.  If life was a walk on "Easy Street" there would be no purpose for God in our lives. I know that I tend to forget about my quiet devotion when life is going according to my plan.  You know what I am talking about.  You wake up in the morning and the birds are chirping.  The sun in shining. and the temperature outside has never been more perfect. You get out of bed and pretty much the whole day just goes better than expected. But once that road block comes into play it seems like my whole world gets turned upside down.  I realize that I made a wrong turn and ended up on "Arduous Avenue".

Funny thing is as I try to avoid the road blocks in my life it seems like more and more traffic appears. And by the time I get home I am looking forward to the "tranquility room". God wants me to lay it all down at His feet.  Those road blocks were placed there by Him.  He wants me to slow down and trust in Him.  He'll get me to my destination.  God is never early.  He is never late. He is always on time.   In Romans 8:28 God reveals that "All things work together for good to them that love God and are the called according to his purpose."  Now that is comforting to know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life.

Anxiety leads to stress and stress leads to anxiety.  Both of these emotions prevent us from " the peace of God, which passes all understanding"  Once we cast all of our cares, anxiety, stress and negative emotion on Him, We will discover the peace of God.  It is this peace that "shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6, 7

I don't want to just click the "like" button on the Jesus fan page.

So, I have been on this journey of the heart over the past few week. It hasn't been an easy one either. I have gone through some really dark and scary places. And while on this journey I came to a spot where I began to question what I was. Who am I? Am I a fan or am I a follower? Difficult question. And the answers were quite complex.

For a majority of my life I have given myself the title of Christian. And here I sit today evaluating my heart. According to wikipedia, the greek word Χριστιανός (christianos)—meaning "follower of Christ"— comes from Χριστός (christos)—meaning "anointed one"— with an adjectival ending borrowed from the Latin to denote adhering to, or even belonging to, as in slave ownership.

Again, I ask myself if I am a fan or a follower. How much of myself have I truly surrendered? "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yea, and his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26. The first time I read this verse I thought that these word seemed so contradictory to what Christ taught. He said that one of the two greatest commandments was,"Love your neighbor as yourself." And our family is the closest neighbor we have. I wake up every morning and straighten up my neighbors mess. I even make a pot of coffee for my neighbors. I wake them up and tell them I love them too. So, you can see why Luke 14:26 confused me.

I prayed for direction as I started to study this verse. I began to realize, that at the time Christ spoke these words, it wasn't the most popular thing to be a christian. Most people who followed Christ were disowned and outcasted. Even Nicodemus met with Christ in the dark because he was afraid of how the other members of the Sanhedrin would react to this friendship. And, most importantly, what they would say about him. And if they would have hatred in their hearts towards him and make him an outcast. Is this where my heart is? Am I only willing to meet Him in the dark? Am I afraid that my family, friends and the world will think I am strange because I want to lay it all down for my Savior? Who, by the way, laid it ALL down for me. He knows my heart. And He is still willing to acknowledge me before His Father. So, why is it often difficult to acknowledge Him before the world?

To be a follower is my hearts desire. But I am always getting side tracked. The world is flashy and full of exciting things. Sin seems to be so much fun (at least when you are in the moment). And there are times when I am so broken by my inability to be a faithful follower. In Lamentations 3: 22-24 we are told about one of God's precious gifts, GRACE. It is only because of this grace that I am able to get close to my Heavenly Father. "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." We live in a world where most "christians" live by the "sinner saved by grace" mentality. In Romans 6:1 Paul poses this question, "What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" As a follower I don't want to take this amazing gift for granted.

I don't want to just click the "like" button on the Jesus fan page. I want to be so much more than a fan. I want the whole world to see an individual that loves Jesus. To be a fan is okay. It is wonderful to have the scripture memorized. To know the stats of each book. To even know the play by play. But I want more than that. I don't want to hold back. I want to be His hands and His feet. A slave for Christ. I want to know His heart for me. I want to know Him more and more each day. I want to run into his arms when life is crazy and out of control. A fan leaves when the going gets tough but a follower will stay regardless of the reward.

Who am I doing all this for anyway?

Sometimes I think that the people around me don't realize that I am human.  I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, inherited-mom, aunt, cousin, friend, employee, and co-worker.  But above all else I am, or should be, a servant and kid of the King.   

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days.  What does it mean to be a kid of the King, part of a royal family.  How can I, a princess, have this servants heart?  I wake up every morning and begin my day of serving.  And some days my heart is in the right place.  But let me tell you...... this princess sure can get an attitude.  I can bang cabinets while loudly put the clean dishes away and increase the volume doubly with the dirty.  Poor little servant princess. Who am I doing all this for anyway?  I wonder if this is how Martha responded to Mary's "lack" of help in the kitchen. Was Martha's heart beating harder and harder from holding her temper back as Mary sat calmly at Jesus' feet? Or did Martha's jaw hurt from grinding her teeth because she was so angry that she wasn't taken by the hand and led to sit at her Saviors feet too? 

Webster defines servant as:  one that serves others; especially : one that performs duties about the person or home of a master or personal employer.  And a sub definition of heart as: : the emotional or moral as distinguished from the intellectual nature: as generous disposition : compassion(a leader with heart): love, affection (won her heart): courage, ardor (never lost heart) So, again I ask myself,how can I be calling myself a servant?  Pretty lame servant.  I know that I need to re-adjust my attitude.  Because, as soon as all the chores are completed, it will be very hard to sit and be calm.  Especially if I am still feeling bitter. I need to perform my duties with a generous disposition.  In other words have a true "servants heart". And STOP grumbling and slamming cabinets.

This past weekend I received the most amazing gift ever.  It really is the only gift I ever want.  They cleaned their rooms!  Yes, kids rooms are clean.  I thought about taking pictures.  This way I will remember this moment forever! I know that the rooms will probably begin to get cluttered again.  Because I have kids who have busy lives.  And they are, at times, Martha's that really enjoy relaxing like a Mary.  They have their moments when the reveal they too have a servants heart.  Who did they do this for? Well, initially it was to no longer hear me nag them.  But in the end their reward was the treasures they found.

I have been overwhelmed.  Just feeling rejected, excluded and distant from family.  I thought about what it means to me to be a family. Each member has their position.  A role that no one else can play.  To love each other at any cost. To talk to or write one another when the Martha in us pre-occupies our lives. I have been so overwhelmed by my perspective of what I thought family should be. What is my role?  And who and what am I doing all this worrying for?  I don't sit still long enough to be thankful for the members that accept and love me for me. I overlooked those who want to spend time and want to include me in their gatherings.  I spent too much time "in the kitchen" and allowed the hurt to overwhelm, fester  and distract me. Don't get me wrong. Martha had her heart for Christ in the right place.  She just wanted clean bedrooms. The finest of foods. And everything perfect.  She too, inadvertently, forgot to be still and see the blessing in her sister, her family.  In the words of my precious Savior, "you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed - or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."  It seemed much easier for me to sit at His feet today. He will never reject me, exclude me or be distant.  

I am beginning to realize that there is a time and purpose for everything.  A time to clean and a time to let the mess sit.  A time to enjoy my family and a time to be busy about the tasks ahead of me. A time to be a Mary and a time to be a Martha. 

I am a servant. When my heart is in the wrong place I become overwhelmed and feel rejected, excluded and forgotten "in the kitchen".  And, when my heart is in the right place, I do "this" with a smile on my face and joy in my heart to glorify Him!  

Praying for the heart of the heartless

This has been a very sad and heart breaking weekend.

Friday started off as an adventure.  My three biologicals prepared to fly into Tampa for their Dad and their "new Mom's" wedding.  They arrived at the airport hours prior to their departure time.  Within minutes of arriving my son received a very disturbing text from one of his best friends.  This text would change Christian's heart forever.  One of his best friends tragically died minutes prior to that very same text message.  He was broken.  Why would a God of love take not one but two of his best friends in less than a year? First, the man he admired most, his Grandpop.  And now, his sister-in-Christ, a sweet friend. He spent the next few hour being comforted by his sisters and his sister's boyfriend.  I felt my heart break for this sweet girls family, her friends, and of course my son.

I arrived in Florida, accompanied by my mom, the next morning.  It felt like an eternity.  I needed to wrap my arms around my kid.  I needed to see his eyes.  And when I did I felt his heart and saw his brokenness.  He and I spent time together by the pool at the hotel.  He said that he wanted to put on a smile and be happy for his dad and soon to be inherited mom.  He truly is on of the most selfless teens I know.  I expressed that it was important for him to not suppress his emotions.  And encouraged him to speak.  But still he remained silent.  He continued texting and viewing Facebook. Facebook was blowing up with posts from his friends and other well wishers.  And then there was the Facebook post about a very vile and disgusting man and his heartless and unfounded blog.  His words where evil. Christian and I read it together.  I was beyond angry.  And Christian too.  He was quiet for a bit.  Then I watched his fingers rapidly type away on his phone.  He was attempting to respond to this sick individual.  He shared his words, that he had  typed, with me and my eyes filled with tears.  He wanted this guy to know, that even though he had the audacity to write such horrible stuff about this tragic event, that he was praying that the same God who chose to call his sweet friend home would give him grace.

So here I sit.  I am praying for the heart of this heartless man.  This individual wants nothing more than to hurt the brokenhearted.  He spends his spare time seeking  tragic events in the media and twisting them into something terrible.  So, I pray that the same God that heals the sick, gives sight to the blind,  and forgives each one of us for our wrongs, gives this man grace.  I pray that Mr. Crook finds the love of Christ in his heart of stone.  And that one day his blog will glorify the name of God.  And that he will become a servant of the Lord.  And, that he will no longer make Satan smile at his pitiful perception of the human race.  

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.'  Ezekiel 11:19

The funeral for this beautiful princess of God is in a few days.  There will be a time of sadness and moments of celebrating this precious girls life.  It was short, too short.  But she touch so many lives in that period off time.  And I pray that friends,her brothers and sisters-in Christ, will use this heartbreaking tragedy to draw the saved and unsaved closer to God.

There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

You are what you eat.....

I am a sinner. Yes, a sinner saved by God's grace. I am not perfect. I am probably the biggest sinner I know. Wait, I am the biggest sinner I know. And He loves me anyway. He promises that He has already paid in full for the portion that will be served to me at any given time. It's like I have been handed a prepaid, all inclusive, ticket to one of the greatest feasts known to mankind. Every delicious treat and tasty morsel I could imagine is laid out before me. I know that my stomach is only so big. But I certainly don't want to let any of these treats go untasted. After all they were prepared especially for this occasion. I just seem to forget that I don't have to consume it all or let it consume me. God provides what I need. I am the one who chooses to devour more than necessary. I find myself overwhelmed with what is at the other end of the table or better yet what is on the menu for tomorrow. There is this urge to keep going until I have tasted it all. I lack the ability to wait. And I think that if I know in advance I might be able to stretch my stomach to devour it all. If only I could have that crystal ball to look ahead and see what is brewing for tomorrow. How crazy is that mentality of thinking? I can't even handle all the stuff I piled on today's plate. So, I get sick and overwhelmed. My inability to digest the excess stuff just causes discomfort and pain.

God said He would never gives us more than we could handle. I am gluttonous. I make the decision to over do it. No one forces me into it. But the beauty in God's grace is this, He will be there help me digest. He stretches out His mighty hand to lead me to a place that is healthy. He allows me to sit humbly, with a stomach ache, at His feet. And He feeds me a portion of His healing word.

You know the saying, "You are what you eat." Those five words are packed with truth. Physically speaking I need food for energy. It is my fuel. I sometimes choose to pick through the "bad for you" foods and eat the "healthy" stuff. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. Yep, I am what I eat! So, it is becoming more and more evident to me that I need to partake in God's word, His daily bread. This world will crush me with all the fast food and garbage that is promoted as "delicious and nutritious". It isn't just what I consume by mouth. It is also what I allow to penetrate my thoughts. Mind, Body and Spirit. I watch t.v. shows that I think are ridiculous. There is absolutely no substance to that 30-60 minute time frame. The hard cold reality is that those are wasted minutes that I will never get back. I should have spent that time seeking to be filled with the good stuff. There are plenty of mind building and edifying things I could have chosen watch and/or read. I just have to make the effort to do the right thing. With the Spirit indwelling in me, every thought, and every deed is in His view. The Holy Spirit knows me. He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. That fact of the matter is that He knows me better than I know me. So how much greater my "diet" would be if I could just keep my focus on His daily provision.

Tomorrow will be here soon enough. And I know that God will give me a fresh fill of His amazing grace. I am not always sure what I am going to do with this grace. But I do know that, today, I will attempted to do my very best with the portion He has handed me.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

You make me feel................

It amazes me that I can wake up in a really fantastic mood and in an instant my mood is changed by the behavior of one of my beloved family members.

This morning I woke up ready to start the day in quiet prayer.  Praising God for all that I have.  And thanking Him for the quiet time He and I were sharing.  I got up showered and came down stairs.  Straightened up the mess that was left behind from last night.  And got side tracked when I picked up my new netbook computer I opened it up and started to blog about a completely different topic.  When all of the sudden.......tension in the form of a silent man seeking a telephone that wasn't in it's place stung me like a bee.  I really wasn't expecting it at all.  If I had stopped at picking up the computer, and putting it away, I would have had that phone in its proper place.  But, no I got side tracked by the temptation of my new gadget.  I have to say I tried to make up the excuse...."Lord, I was doing it to glorify you."  But that was just a tall tale.  I was doing it because I was excited about blogging on my new toy.

Like I said earlier, I watched my mood change from quiet and feeling blessed to frantic and full of tension.  That duo, frantic and tension, seemed to go with me for a little while.  But God is so faithful and His word is planted in my heart.  I just had to go a pick thru the weeds to find the beauty that was growing.  I could hear my Dad's voice telling me, "Kathleen, take every thought captive."  Wise man!  He used that phrase a lot with me. So, I found myself attempting to take each thought and emotion and tie it all together with a lasso.  It isn't easy.  Those thoughts sure can get away from you.  And emotion is just as evil. But at the end of the day I know that if I do take every thought captive and seek God throught my day that things will be okay.  It's when I forget about who I am and where God has me that I allow others to alter my mood.  And I forget that I am supposed to count it all as JOY!

So, now it is time for me to drop frantic and tension off.  And pick up quiet and blessed.  And I think I am going to carry them with me throughout today.  And no matter how the people around me are feeling Iam going to sit back and remember that...... no one can make me feel anyway. Don't get me wrong.  It still hurts when I say goodbye and I love you and the person on the other end doesn't say it back.  It feels like my heart dropped.  And I can often hear Satan whisper in my ear during those vunerable moments, "This person really doesn't care one bit about you.  They think so little of you.  They don't love you at all.  As a matter of fact they are mad at something you did or said and they blah blah blah blah blah............"  I can choose to listen to this or hold on to the truth.   I am in control of how I feel and I am blessed and honored to be a part of something spectacular. 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Corinthians 10:5

Renewed, refreshed and rejustified

Life sometimes gets in the way of life. Everyday holds a new adventure.  I wake up and start this unpredictable journey. There is great anticipation as each second begins to unfold.  There are days that I am filled with an abundance of joy.  I feel like my whole world is perfect. My husband is grinning from ear to ear. The kids love each other. The whole house is clean.  The sun is shining bright.  Everyone is happy. Including Me. And then there are those days that are filled with uncertainty.  And often the uncertainty brings with it pain and confusion which equals STRESS. 


I am learning that there is a hope that is so much bigger than my confusion, pain and stress.  And that is the hope I find in Christ.  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.


When I lean on the wisdom and knowledge of my Savior my foundation becomes unshakable.  And by studying His word and meditating on His promises I will be able to withstand the storms the come my way.  In Romans 5 we are told that God pours out His amazing love for us through the gift of the Holy Spirit  I often forget that I have been give such an awesome gift. But when I wake up I see the awesome power in allowing Him, the Holy Spirit, to penetrate my every move.  I have a strength that is unmovable, unstoppable, unshakable and often unexplainable.  


There are many occasions where the Lord is calling me to sit at His feet.  I have spent many hours listening and soaking in His most beautiful words.  God's most precious words have guided me through some of the most painful times in my life. And recently He has made it quite clear that I need to be at His feet once again.  His question that He put on my heart and most beautiful answer was found in the book of Romans. "Who shall separate you, Kathleen, from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: “For your sake you, Kathleen, will face death all day long; You are considered as a sheep to be slaughtered."   No, in all these things you are more than a conqueror through him who loved you.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you, Kathleen, from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39.


Wow, nothing I do can keep Him from loving me.  I just need to be renewed, refreshed and rejustified.  And it is only through faith in Him that this will come into fruition. All of these trails, tribulations and glorious moments in my life are character building.  And without my faith I am certain that I would be crushed.  I know that God has amazing things planned for my life and my eternity. He gives me an everlasting hope.  The small amount of suffering and hardship I have experienced and will continue to experience is not without reward.  It results in my ability to understand the magnitude of the love and grace He has pour out for me.   "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5