It's A Good Day To Roll The Dice

As I sat here this morning with a cup of coffee in hand, I decide to scroll and roll through my social media and other stuff. I found myself going back in time and somehow landing on one of my previous blog posts. The words that I have typed on this keyboard over the years have brought me to tears and laughter. I enjoyed taking a stroll down memory lane, reading and looking at memories from multiple trips around the board. Those words and memories permitted me to see where I was, how I was, and what I was in this so-called "game of life" It's a good day to roll the dice of remembering and reminiscing.

In the past few months, I have to admit that I have been a hot mess. The board and pieces of my game are not what I started with at the beginning of 2022. In November, my mom was hospitalized on two separate occasions. There was a lot of back and forth from home to the hospital and finally back home. I spent hours talking to my mom and seeing deeper into her heart. On her first stay, she actually took care of the woman in the bed next to her. My mom felt compassion for this woman. She told me that her "roommate" spoke "broken" English, and she was in constant panic mode. My mom held this woman's hand through the night to help calm her fears. In the process, my mom didn't get a wink of sleep for multiple nights. Her second trip occurred on November 25th, the day after Thanksgiving. She was admitted after they finally diagnosed her with cancer. I remember thinking, "What the hell?" She had been sick for a while, and this was just being caught now? The next few days, my family was with her around the clock. This time around, because of her diagnosis, she was given a room all to herself. Since COVID happened, the hospital rules have been wildly controlling. We found it difficult to "pass go," aka the front desk. My sister and I practically begged to get up to her room each morning so that at least one of us could be there when the doctors came in. As the days went by, we were provided with information,  misinformation, and direction. Mom decided that she would roll the dice and not go through chemo because she wanted quality over quantity. The cancer had spread from her ovaries and was invading her body. We did our best to keep her comfortable and happy during her stay. Preparations were being made to get her home. I remember making her promise me that she would not die in the hospital. Her response was, "I won't as long as you promise that I will die laughing" So I did what I could to keep the game interesting. I performed my version of the Nutcracker and danced around her hospital bed. When my brother arrived, I tried to convince him to take over the role of Clara. My mom laughed. It was a good day until it wasn't. She started to feel tired and not well. She said that I should go home for a little while. She wanted to sleep. I went to my sister's house. We had dinner, and I called my mom to do my evening "check-in" She was crying. I was out of my mind with worry. Visiting hours were over, and I frantically started thinking of how I was breaking into the hospital and not having to go "directly to jail" in the process. My sister, the quick thinker, remembered that her son-in-law was finishing up his shift at the hospital. She called him, and he went to sit with my mom. Thank God for Jesse! Jesse and my mom spent the next few hours talking about Jesus, heaven, and God's love and forgiveness. God always has a plan. Mom came home on December 4th. She was happy to be in her own space. She was in pain but happy. We planned a "coming home" party for her for the following day. All of her favorite foods were being prepped and gathered for the feast. Her family came to hang out with her as she settled into her space. Some flew in, and some visited via FaceTime. She was home! She kept her promise. Now, her tribe needed to keep her happy. My sister and my nieces stayed with her throughout the entire night, just holding her, loving her, and staring at her (not to mention any names, Regis). The next morning, my sister had an urgency in her voice. I was already on my way to her house when I realized that God was once again directing my path. The same route I took to get to my dad when he took his final breath was the same route my daughter, Kath (who was driving), chose to take that morning. We arrived, and it was clear that Mom was ready to go. Her tribe was called, and everyone who could make it to her side was there. We all gathered around her. We sang her favorite songs, prayed, laughed, told stories, held her hands, and walked her into heaven. It was a beautiful time of loving on my mom and saying goodbye.

The hours, days, weeks, and months that followed were a bag of mixed emotions. I got lost in my sadness. I had moments of guilt for not being a better daughter. Not only that, but I had moments of frustration and moments of darkness. I was very, very lost. I felt blank, if that makes sense. My identity was a bit shaken and not so lightly stirred. I found myself just getting through each day. Some days I only had the desire to surf the nonsensical world of social media. I found it difficult to absorb the words written on a page. I couldn't hear words spoken because my thoughts were so loud. The sky was gray even on the sunniest of days. I prayed but couldn't hear, see, or feel God's response. I just felt like, "Hmmmmmm, who am I now?  I was stuck on the board, and the game seemed to go on without me taking my next turn.

Admittedly, as I sit here, I feel the need to find me again. It's time to select my pawn (I always liked the thimble, but have you seen the T. rex?). After hours of rereading some of my blog posts, I stumbled upon words that planted a smile across my face. I continued to move my game piece across the board, and I landed on a post from 2018 that caused me to hit pause. "It's crazy the things we allow ourselves to do to fill the time," was the statement that struck me, like receiving the "dealbreaker" card. Hold.the.presses.  I am still spinning around the same nonsensical patterns in my life five years later. I have gone around the game board multiple times, passed "go", collected my salary, seen some bank errors, paid doctor's fees, and a few other community chest cards have been turned. Oh, the crazy and dispensable patterns I have gotten lost in while moving around this so-called board. I believe we all have the potential to go in the direction of unnecessary things in this world. We are all prone to allowing our minds to wander and our actions to be mundane. We spend more time filling our time than we do really enjoying our time. I reflected, once again, on the valuable time spent with my mom during her days here on my gameboard. But more specifically, her last 10 days. Those days were filled with Christmas music, connections, love, growth, faith, trust, and things that really matter (John Denver's greatest hits). I loved and enjoyed filling my minutes and moments with Mom and family. Looking back, I can now say that I appreciated the awkward silence, uncertain glances, and hidden tears and fears.

Since my mom passed around the board for the final time, it feels as though I put my game in autoplay. I stare at the screen on my hand-held device, waiting and watching everyone else roll the dice and post their victorious moments on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and something called Telegram. Initially, I found a sense of joy as I looked into their worlds. I wanted to be put together, happy, energized, organized, and stroll and roll like the individuals I "followed" I tried a few of the popular "21-day" challenges (lasting maybe a few days), hair tips (unsuccessfully), and some makeup advice (Oh, WOW, can someone say Bozo the clown?). It just seemed so easy to sit and do nothing while living vicariously through others. In Romans 12:2, I am reminded, "Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God's will as you live a beautiful life." The world is full of distractions and the next best "things" Like most, when I find myself caught up in the distractions, I seek to cast blame: "It's not my fault those distractions prevented me from... Oh, the blame game. Yes, I have been rolling the dice, flipping the cards, and moving the tokens in every direction. I have moved every chance card into the discard pile over the past few months. I have been seeking reasons (or people, places, and things to blame) as to why my life and my faith seem to have grown a bit stale. My lack of desire to connect with God grew with every daily reminder that I had a few lives restored in Toy Blast. Not only that, I seem to have no motivation to read my instruction manual. I woke up, and instead of doing my daily devotional, I was drawn to the handheld device next to my pillow, which again takes me on a journey through the lives of my family, friends, and acquaintances. So many of their opinions on political views and the state of our country seemed to be devouring my soul. As I continued to allow myself to get lost in the social media wormhole, I fell further and further away from where I was supposed to be. There have recently been moments when I felt that I wanted nothing to do with "religion" Every time I thought about how the nonbelieving world saw "Christianity," I cringed. I have a difficult time relating to the characteristics that Christians have recently been labeled with: judgmental, fire and brimstone, arrogance, hate-filled, and so many other aspects. Religion no longer seems to be a belief in faith and mystery. Instead, it feels like it has become a loud certainty that "I am right". "You are wrong". "Shut up and listen to my truths!" Even in some of my Christian circles, believers hold tightly to what they feel to be the truth, even when they disagree with another Christian. I am pretty certain I can be very guilty of that too. Also, in politics, there appears to be no dialogue. There's no conversation. Everyone seems so set in their "truths," aka "opinions," that they tune others "truths," aka "opinions," out. There's just blame. The blame game appears to be the most popular way to discharge our confusion, discomfort, and even our own pain. So much so that we have flipped the board game over and put the thimble in our ears just so we can tune out the noise of others' truths. It seems so much easier to "cancel" others out instead of allowing them to take their turn, roll the dice, and move. I laugh when I think about how God created each of us with one mouth and two ears. We should all talk less and listen more. We all have our own version of the truth. And to some, their truth can often be seen as untrue by others. It's all in one's perspective. I believe we are all in this board game for a reason. Each one of us is on a faith journey. We aren't here to shatter each other's truths, faith, beliefs, aspirations, or dreams. We need to acknowledge that we are all imperfect creatures. Each of us, at one time or another, has struggled with the way the game is being played. We need to learn to play strategically and respectfully with each other. We all go around the board based on how the dice are rolled. Sometimes we advance, and every so often we lose a turn for one reason or another. We are all worthy of love and belonging. We must listen and truly hear what others are saying.

 

Recently, I had dinner with friends. Girlfriends are good for the soul! My soul was dehydrated from a lack of time spent with the wonderful women in my life. When we get together, we talk about the fun stuff, the extremely difficult stuff, and everything in between. Hydrating my soul was long overdue. Honestly, I am embarrassed to say how long it has been since we had a girl's night. I was going to "blame" busyness for the delay in our plans because that is the simplest response. But in all reality, I was caught up in my lack of motivation, depression, and grief, among other things. I had no problem making time for my hand-held device and all the games and social media it contained. I know that I should have made time for the "in person" events. But I struggled. Honestly, I still seem to second guess the "what's, where's, and when's" of my being physically and mentally present. Again, "It's crazy the things we allow ourselves to do to fill the time." As our dinner and conversations went from pets to children and various other topics, I eventually told them how I was feeling and where I was in my faith. Each of us is in different places when it comes to our beliefs and faith. However, I never feel judged or out of place when speaking with them. I honestly feel like we hear each other and push each other to grow. One of my bonus treasure friends said something to me that night, and it has been stuck in my head ever since. "Some people have the light and others don't.  It doesn't matter how religious or non-religious you are." These beautiful women are a light in my world. And I would like to think I am a light in theirs as well. We make each other shine and bring joy to each other's lives. "Joy is a light that fills you with hope, faith, and love." Adela Rogers St. John

 

Again, it's crazy that I have been allowing my days to be consumed with the negativity and light-snuffing reality of the apps, social media sites, and other nonsensical virtual platforms. I reflect a great deal on how this "virtual" way of life has and will persuade my granddaughters and grandson. They are growing up in a world that is dictated by social media posts. I see so many adults, teens, children, toddlers, and babies being filtered, airbrushed, and exploited. There is too much pressure for them to be perfect in the literal sense. I even feel the pressure of Facebook and Instagram. I am not thin enough, pretty enough (filter out those wrinkles if you can), smart enough, fit enough,... The list is never-ending. The future of our children, grandchildren, and all the children of this crazy world needs us to not only acknowledge that we are all imperfect beings for ourselves and those we don't see eye to eye with, but to acknowledge their imperfections and encourage and guide them in love as they move their tokens across the board. God created each of us. We are uniquely and wonderfully made. There is no such thing as "cookie-cutter" humans. If I truly believe that we are all created in His image, then I should see the beauty in every individual and embrace the imperfections that make them perfectly who they are. "I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!  Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord!" Psalm 139:14 TPT,

 

I have been soul-searching a lot to understand why and how I got to where I am today. I realize that I need to have courage and compassion for myself. No blame is necessary. I am broken. I have allowed the stigmas, condemnations, and unfortunate situations to bring me to a place of blame. Not only that, but I found that I had a lack of courage. I need to reveal the truths that are in my heart. The truth is that right now I am so broken and humbly standing before my creator, asking for Him to guide this imperfect creature through the struggles to draw closer to Him. I want to deliberately seek His plan and purpose. I want to deliberately acknowledge my thoughts and behaviors. Likewise, I want to be encouraged to make better, new, and divergent choices. I hope to roll the dice and move ahead. This all takes courage. I know deep down that I have what it takes. I am not sure exactly what the steps or process are. But I do know that it takes heart to have courage, faith to have faith, and love to have love.

 

Perhaps it’s that blog entry that is making me dig deep into an area of my heart that needs to be addressed. "Where am I", "What's holding me back", "Am I willing to seek God" I no longer want to try to be perfect and pretend. It's time for me to let myself be fully seen. I want to be deliberate in my actions when I practice joy and gratitude. At the end of every day, as I reflect on all that I did and all that I didn't accomplish, I trust that I am enough. God doesn't require that I do everything. He just lovingly suggests that the things that I accomplish are done in love.

 

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are," says Marianne Williamson.

 

  

I Am Covered.

I started this blog over 11 years ago.  For some strange reason, I felt compelled to put my thoughts out there for the universe to inhale.  Some have been enjoyed and judged and some judged and critiqued.  Whatever the case I still open up my computer and my heart year after year and blog.  My first entry was short.  Looking back it was obvious that God was preparing my heart for what was about to transpire in my little world.

"I am sitting here thinking about how I always seem to want the easier life. I admit I don't want to suffer, & I don't like when things go wrong. I know that God will help me have a good attitude and enable me to trust Him to bring good out of it all.

There are so many trials we have to go through.  And with each trial, there is a victory.  I am so blessed with the knowledge that my God is my umbrella.  He has protected me from so much.  And has allowed me to get drenched when necessary."

Well, I sure got drenched after I wrote that entry.  On December 21, 2010, my universe turned upside down.  I received a call from my mom telling me to meet her over at Abington Memorial Hospital.  My dad was admitted.  It was the beginning of the longest long ten-day journey I had ever experienced up until that point in my life.  It was this journey that shook and changed me.  

The ten days that my dad spent in the hospital were strung together with bungee cords of various emotions.  Fear, laughter, separation, togetherness, forgiveness, rejection, peace, and regrets.  I remember pacing the floors feeling hopeful and uncertain in tandem.  There was peace in my heart and confusion in my head.  I often reflect on those days. Sometimes with a smile and sometimes with tears.  That year we "celebrated" Christmas in the small hospital room.  My sisters, my brother, our spouses, and most of our children were there around the clock. We had some family come to visit, call, and send well wishes.  Surgery was eventually set and scheduled for December 30th. It seemed as if that day lasted 240 long uncertain hours.  The crew gathered in the waiting area pacing, sitting, and praying that God would give us another day with my dad.  I remember how we all swarmed the doctor when he came out and told us the surgery was a success we were excited at the prospect that our leader would be able to go home after he recovered.  God had a different plan.  Yes, He gave us another day.  We were able to be with our earthly superhero for his last few hours the day after his surgery.  Each of us handled his passing in our way.  The journey in those last hours was challenging.  However, in the end, there was a victory.   I know that God was my umbrella.  He walked beside me and sometimes I even felt Him as He carried me. 

It's been quite some time since I sat at the computer and typed out my heart and thoughts. Yet, here I am, eleven and a half years later, once again sitting criss-cross applesauce. Much has changed over these eleven and a half years.  Like I said, each one of us processed and moved forward in our way.  Our families each started new traditions and adjusted many of the old.  We drifted in different directions and occasionally we find our way back.  There are now ten great-grandchildren (number eleven on the way).  Each one is a beautiful piece of a great legacy.  They will always know of my dad even if they never got to sit side by side with their Opa. 

It truly amazes me how one man could have brought so many together.  Joseph Mallon was stronger than gorilla glue.  And that glue stuff is pretty crazy.  I ruined many items with that concoction.  One drop too much and another pair of shoes in the trash....long story.  But seriously my dad had a way of pulling us all together.  Sometimes it would be a single sentence that would change the trajectory of a situation. "Girls, you are ruining my dinner".  And sometimes no words were necessary.  I still miss his hugs, the warmth of his hands, and how he thought every glass of wine was a fine wine (even some that tasted more like vinegar).  I am sad that my grandbabies will never get to sit and hear his wild stories about Micholaf Von Naufgahauski Van Kaput the 3rd.  They won't smell the fresh paint on the canvas or his artistry firsthand. Yes, life is very different without him. Some things seem to be stuck and others have evolved.  But the constant is that I miss him.  I smile and tear up each time I think of him.  I still can close my eyes and see his smile, hear his laugh, and remember those hugs that made everything feel right.  

The past two and a half years have been a wild ride.  More often than not I find myself asking, "What would Dad think?  What would his perspective be on the thoughts and reflections that have been running rampant through my head and heart?".  He always had a way of helping me clear the dense fog that often fills my head.  He would gently say, "Kathleen, put a lasso around those thoughts and place them before the Lord". I have been trying to "lasso" and evaluate my heart and the path my life is taking.  For a while, the fog seemed to get thicker and thicker with each step.  For most of my life, I have classified myself as a "Christian".  I have gone to church, read my bible, and attempted to live and walk as a "Christian" should.  But...how does a "Christian" live and walk?  These days I am utterly confused and uncertain of the "Christian" classification.  According to the New Testament we, as "Christians" are supposed to live like Christ.  Love, love, and still love.  No matter what is thrown at us we are supposed to show mercy, grace, and love.  Over the most recent years, I have seen more hate, judgment, and division in the Christian population. I have heard and read things that have boggled my mind.  I have listened to people twist scripture to help validate the vile and disgusting behavior within my community, my country, and even in my circle. I have caught myself doing this too.  I find myself wanting desperately to sit with my earthly dad to have a conversation.  However, my friends, this is impossible.  Anyway, I would love to get his take on things.  How would he feel if I told him that I no longer felt proud of being called a "Christian"?  Would he have the same reaction that he did when he discovered that I allowed my youngest daughter to be a vegetarian (I am pretty certain he called me a jackass or something of that nature)?  Would he understand the idea and concept that I just want to be a follower of Jesus?  Would he be proud of my revelation that I am just as much of a loser as the women and men that my Savior hand-picked to walk with Him, move with Him and rest with Him while He walked here on earth? These are just a few of the questions that float around in my head.  I am aware that can't ask my Dad, Joseph Mallon, these questions.  However, I can ask the Holy Spirit to direct and give me a clearer picture of what it means to be a follower.  As I look at the characters of those first followers I am a little shocked.  There were plenty of rabbis, Pharisees, Sadducees, and other people that may have been more qualified to be part of Jesus's ministry.  Perhaps these qualified individuals were overqualified.  Yep, so qualified that they thought they knew better and knew more.  So, Jesus selected common, everyday individuals like me.  No glam, glitz, or extraordinary characteristics. Just your average ordinary everyday humans.  So so so ordinary.  Did you know that there are two disciples named James?  I remember learning the names of the Apostles as a child.  So, I did know about the "other" James.  But I cannot recall if I knew of his character.  And then there is Thaddaeus aka Judas, son of James (not the disciple James).  Again, another silent walker.  Why would Jesus pick these two?  What role could they/ did they play in Jesus's ministry?  I wonder if Jesus knew that somebody like me, a nobody, would or could relate to James the "lessor" and Thaddaeus.  The "lessor".  Wow, I can relate to that characteristic. Maybe, that is preciously why He said, "Hey, come walk with Me".  Jesus picked a variety of personalities. He intentionally invited the loud, silent, smart, average, rich, poor, beggar, thief, abused, rejected, outcasted, and the list goes on.  He purposely pick each person and personality so that I could fit in...we could fit in and be a part of His posse. 

God's mercies are new every morning for a reason.  We step into the boots of mercy each morning as we begin each new day. Our feet are refreshed for the journey and steps that God has prepared for each of us.  And as we step out into this crazy, uncertain, ugly but somehow still the beautiful world we are hugged by the raincoat of  Amazing grace. Jesus presented us with the gift of the Spirit. That hug, that embrace is there because we need to be reminded that He is always with us.  I am still confused about my "title".  However, I am not confused about my role.  I know that as I start this day, Monday, August 1st, 2022, by the grace of God I have my rain gear ready. Jesus is the umbrella of Love.  Just like being covered in His dust, my heart is filled with gratitude that I am protected and sheltered under that umbrella of UNCONDITIONAL ( not subject to any condition) Love.  I know that the Spirit will lead and guide me.  I may (let's be honest... I most likely will) go off the path to seek shelter on my own.  However, it is because of God's unfailing, reckless, never-ending mercy, grace, and love and not my own devices, that  I am covered. 

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It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like.......Hold That Thought

Covid 19 strikes again.  I feel like I should wash my mouth out with soap after saying that phrase.  I have to admit I am really over this season.  I have been social distancing, quarantining, and sanitizing like a crazy person.  My world is quite different than it was a year ago. 

It's beginning to look a lot like....hold that thought for a minute.  Yes, Christmas 2020 is less than two weeks away. Each year my favorite part of this season is the big family sleepover we have on Christmas Eve Eve. It's a big deal for my tribe.  My Mom, my brother and his wife, most of our children (if they are in the country or able to fly home), their spouses/significant others, grandchildren, and grandpups all settle in for a not so quiet night of family, food, fun, movies, and games.  Let's not forget the annual Christmas Eve Eve pajamas.  Yes, every year I try to outdo the pajama's from the year before.  We almost always match!  I love this night.  However, this year our Eve Eve may look very different.

As the number of Covid 19 positive cases keeps rising our plan for this year keeps changing.  This year initially had visions of a grand extravaganza.  We had hoped to include some of our extended family members in our big pregaming feast and possibly the pajama party.  Our whole crazy family including my ex-husband and his wife and my husband's ex-wife and her husband.  It seemed like everyone planned on being in Pennsylvania for a 2020 celebration. So we planned to extend the invitation for all to pack a sleeping bag and curl up in a cozy corner in our very full house and embrace the beautiful blessing of the Eve Eve pajamas.  Well, that Grinchy Covid 19 has been plucking and pruning away at the guestlist for our 2020 Christmas Eve Eve celebration.  Our crowd is slowly dwindling and the hard fact is that it is just going to be a lot less crowded this year.  Two of our children and their other halves are unable to fly home due to the virus.  Our extendeds decided to not travel at the risk of contracting Covid 19. Not even the members of our "bubble" are safe from being eliminated from the festivities.  Yes, our bubble has been compromised a few times over the past few weeks.  I thought about postponing the whole event and celebrating Christmas Eve Eve in July 2021.  However, I don't think I could convince the grands to wait seven months to unwrap their gifts.  And I am certain that the anticipation of the Eve Eve pajama reveal would be too great to contain my family's excitement (plus cozy winter pajamas in July.....).  So, the show must go on. Not sure if it will be December 23rd or the eve eve of another day this holiday season.  But the show will go on.  And we can still have an Eve Eve celebration at the beach in July too!  Hopefully, the virus will be a bad memory by that point.  And our extended family can join us on the sand for a fun day of food, games, and maybe pajamas too. 

I have to admit that this whole new surge of Covid nearly threw me into a full-blown temper tantrum.  I have stopped asking the question, "What next?".  I came to the reality that I don't need to ask that question because the "what next" happens without question.  My husband and I stopped going to our bible study on Wednesday nights.  We stopped going to the mall or the stores to browse for fun and fabulous deals.  We don't have friends over for dinner or to just hang out.  We haven't been to a restaurant in weeks (possibly months).  We have had multiple encounters with the possibility that one or more of our children may have been in direct contact with a Covid positive individual. Our granddaughters had been going to school virtually and missing out on precious socializing time with old and new friends. And now they are hybrid (which is a whole different stress factor). I haven't seen much of my family up close and personal.  We have canceled trips, vacations, gatherings, celebrations big and small, Sunday dinners, trips to the amusement park (last year's Christmas gift to the grands was an annual pass to Sesame Place), and the list could go on and on.  But this week just about had me on the floor kicking and screaming.

I love my grands.  Who wouldn't?  They are smart, funny, and I learn something new about myself every time we are together.  I enjoy having them here during the week.  I especially love our pajama parties.  Watching each of them grow and flourish has been amazing.  I use to see the two oldest multiple times each week.  Some days it would be for a few minutes and other days an hour or more.  I saw them go from a baby blob to a ball of energy.  Playing, praying, reading, singing songs, crafting, baking, making up fun games to play, dance parties in the purple room, bubble wrap stomping, making Barbie things, Ninja Turtle Tuesdays and so much more.  Covid 19 changed a lot of things (daily visits with the grands was one of the negatives to parents working from home. At least from a grandma's perspective).  We all grew together and we continue to grow and have fun doing it.  So, when I received news of a "bubble" member's potential exposure to the virus I was initially in denial.  Reality hit me around 4am.  I woke up praying and laying my thoughts and concerns at God's feet.  One by one I expressed my gratitude for the blessings,  And suddenly...bam,  Just like that I went from praising Him to hmm.  My head and heart began to battle for my mind as I grew angry over the who's, what's and why's of this life-altering virus.  I could handle not seeing the world outside my bubble.  But now my bubble once again is being compromised.  The thought of not physically seeing these amazing girls for an extended time just makes me sad and upset. These chicks are three of the most important humans in my world. My greatest blessings.  I praise God for their love, hugs, and laughter. So, I think you can understand the disappointment in my heart.  You're a mean one Covid 19.  I suppose I will need to get creative with how we will grow together as this virus continues to wreak havoc on our lives.

As I sit here this morning.  Post tantrum.  I realize, once again, that I am a brat.  God has given me so much and I sit here and complain that there is a slight altering of my universe.  I am fortunate that I haven't lost a family member or loved one to the awful virus.  And for that, I am truly blessed.  Amid my tantrum, I lost sight of the meaning of this season.  Love.  Love doesn't come in the form of Eve Eve pajamas.  It's not the packages wrapped and joyfully placed beneath the tree. It is understanding that things don't always go the way we planned because God may have something different planned.  Love is patiently waiting to unwrap the goodness that this moment holds and trying hard not to throw a tantrum when it's not the right size (God knows you will grow into or out of your circumstances).  Love isn't jealous or envious of what others have and how they get to celebrate with their bubble or bubble extensions. Love doesn't make a list and check it twice (or three or four times) to point a finger at who's naughty and who's nice. Love is that joyful moment when you can figure out alternative ways to celebrate without putting your loved ones in harm's way.  Love always trusts, hopes and presses on regardless of the tantrums, disappointments, and unwanted changes. I pray that Eve Eve will be filled with love.  

We will get over, under, around, and thru this crazy time.  In the end, we will be more resilient and possibly more creative with how we celebrate.  I know that I will be grateful for the hugs, kisses, and moments spent with my out of the bubble family and friends.  Yes, the season is difficult.  However, it's beginning to look a lot like love.

Happy and Blessed Beast Feast Thursday!

Today isn’t just your run of the mill Thursday. It's Beast Feast Thursday!  Many of you refer to this as Thanksgiving Day.  Normally I would be fully prepared and already have a menu in place.  This year...well let's just say I have the turkey in the oven.   That my friend is a step in the right direction.  

As I sit here this morning we are now nine-plus months into the Covid 19 virus wreaking havoc on this planet. Some days my world seems really small and other days it's densely populated.  It's strange walking around in public with my face covered.  I normally love being outside soaking up vitamin D and feeling the warmth of the sun as it kisses my head. But Covid has left me in a winter state of mind.  For those of you who love winter insert your least favorite season here.  I been in a dark and dangerous space in my head off on during this pandemic.  The things that once gave me joy are often the source of my concern. I seem to feel cold all the time.  I don't want to leave the "cave" and go out into the unknown (if you are singing that frozen song....your welcome).  As for the "cave", I only allow for a few to enter.  Anxiety is a daily occurrence.  I attempt to leave it at God's feet and occasionally I release my grip as I place it in His hand.  I win the battle with anxiety twenty-four days out of thirty. But let me tell you those six losses are hard to recover from.  Sometimes those losses rattle around in my head for hours upon hours. I wake in the middle of the night paralyzed with the uncertainty of tomorrow and what it holds.   

Things are very different this November 26th.  Last year at this time I was still working, shopping at the mall, going to bible studies, visiting family and friends, dating my husband, eating out, vacationing (or planning a vacation), going to church, and many other social activities.  Now, life is quite virtual.  I am a stay at home wife. Shopping is done online or at the market as infrequently as possible. We haven't physically been to our bible study in weeks/months.  Dating my husband has taken on a whole new meaning. We've canceled multiple trips and vacations.  Social distancing has taken the place of social activity.  We now do Churchome in our home with family, friends and/or anyone who wants to join us.

Counting blessings can be a chore. This virus is still spreading and people are told to stay home and not celebrate by having the usual large family gatherings.  Covid has brought a change to the dynamics of my world. Life is strange but strange is becoming the new normal. So, as I gather around the table with few members of my family to celebrate this Beast Feast Thursday, I count the blessings that I see on the surface.  And I pray that God will reveal those blessings that are hidden deep within the selfishness of my being.  I praise God for the “be still” moments that this pandemic has forced upon many of us. I praise Him for the sleep-deprived nights that have me meditating on His promises for the future.  My gratitude for my liberties and freedoms has become illuminated.  I am blessed to have a family that is willing to quarantine and distance themselves from others so that we can be together while our sacrifices protect others and ourselves.  I am overwhelmed by the love, support, and generosity of my husband, children,  grandchildren, family, and friends.  There is much to be thankful for even in this crazy time in history. 

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to have free will and what is to live in God's will. Have you ever tried to pick up a toddler that was mid-tantrum?  That eighteen-pound little nugget feels more like a fifty-pound turkey. And the resistance is real.  It’s difficult to explain but they become like a wet noodle and somehow managed to make the task of picking them up nearly impossible.  This is how I often see myself giving God authority over every aspect of my life.  It’s easy to give Him reign over the things that run parallel with His guidelines.  However, I become that tantrum-throwing toddler when I have to let go of the hard stuff.  Love your neighbor that barks at you and threatens to run your car over because your guest parked a little peculiar on the streets.  Ummm okay.  How about loving that family member that pretends they don’t see you in a room?  Or that stranger that just cut you off (and they have a political bumper sticker for the opposing party) causing you to slam on your breaks?  And those people that don’t pray like you, look like you, do like you do, or do what you want them to do?  How do we refrain from showing hate and instead choose to live in love and in God’s will?  Well, the answer isn’t simplistic.  Handing over your free will and replacing it with living in God’s will is no easy task.  You need to be cognizant of every thought, word, and action.  The Holy Spirit is there to guide from inside. However, free will makes it our decision to choose love, which is ultimately God's will or to choose our selfishness. Like I said not simplistic.  But, I promise you it is attainable.  Try walking, taking a journey, and envision that God is walking with you. Side by side. Arm in arm.  Hand in hand.  What would you refrain from and what would you run to?  

My hope and plan are that I will take the blessings from today and carry them with me.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to a place of trust and that my faith would be unshakable.  My reality may look slightly different than what I envision but at least I have a plan.  Unlike my meal plan for today.  God can only control what I allow Him to control in my life.  He promises to protect, lead, guide, and love are genuine and true.  So, when I leave uncertainty, anxiety, and the undesirable state of mind and reality at His feet He waits.  In His magnificent ways, He watches over me and waits for me to surrender.  Hands up. I want to run toward a life of unshakable faith. 

I pray that the blessings of this day are too many to count.

Happy and blessed Beast Feast Thursday!  

   

Pause and Cause

As I sit here this morning my thoughts seem a bit calm but also overwhelming at the same time.  It's been a long time since I sat and blogged.  For some reason, over the past few months, I have had this mental block or just an odd sense of blahhhhh each time I contemplated writing.  Do you ever wonder how you can be quiet and still when there is so much going on in the world around you?  There is this overwhelming feeling that you are grasping for a message or a single word from God. I have been feeling this way for quite some time.  2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds me that I am to take every thought captive.  How do I even begin to place a lasso around my brain foggy mind?

The world has been on pause because of the Covid 19 strand of coronavirus.  And our country is also protesting to seek justice due to injustices that stem from the beginning of this country's history. And here I sit on this June, Sunday morning in the comfort of my own home reflecting on the "pause and cause".  I honestly feel I might have hit the pause button a little too hard in many areas of my life.  I had become complacent in areas that I should be humbled and dissatisfied.  In the beginning months of the quarantine I spent hours putting together a 3000 piece puzzle that my son-in-law, Duane gave me (he informed me that the puzzle was missing approximately 3 pieces.... oh the torture).  As I stood for hours at my dining room table, covered from end to end with puzzle pieces (2997 of them) I was able to remove myself from the world around me.  I slowly put the pieces in place for a little over 3 weeks. I refused to look at the box.  What was I thinking?  I made this task so much harder by not knowing where the pieces fit. After a few weeks and a few pauses from the task I eventually completed the non-completable puzzle. Quite honestly as I put the last piece in its place I felt somewhat happy.  But wait, there were multiple pieces missing.  However, I did what I could to see it to completion.

Now what? I was paused. There were moments I unintentionally pressed a slight pause on my connecting with God, my family, my friends, current events, and my mind. Time to unpause and get back to the "cause" of what was happening around me.  And let me tell you there is a lot going on around me. My country, my family, friends, and community are all struggling to put the pieces together.  We all have an idea of what the whole picture should look like but we are all refusing to look at the "box".  We see what we want to see and in return, we are making a mess of things.  We are searching for the boarders and putting pieces where they don't belong.  And just like the puzzle I had in front of me we all have some pertinent pieces missing. Truth be told I firmly believe that it is the "pause" that has been placed on understanding, truth, and justice that have "caused" this time in our lives to be difficult.   There is this battle going in inside of me.  The "pause" is a nice safe place.  I don't want to be complacent.  I don't want to conform to the patterns of this "paused" world. 

This is the day that Romans 12:2 has decided to penetrate my "paused" mind.  There are many translations of scripture and I hope you don't mind but  I would love to share the TPT (The Passion Translation) version. "Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God's will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in His eyes."    Put a lasso around that overwhelmed mind and realize that the Holy Spirit dwells within.   I ask myself, "Am I afraid of the ideas and opinions of those around me?"  The world is full of darkness. As I scroll through social media my heart breaks.  We are broken.  Brokenness does not discriminate. Life is more valuable than property damage.    I am not perfect.  I am a work in progress.  I have never been a victim of racism or actually know what it feels like to be treated unjustly because of my complexion. However, I do know what it feels like to be furious enough that I have broken an object, slammed a door, shattered a glass, pushed someone off a barstool (yes I did do this and I am not proud), use words that cut deep and my list could go on and on. Doing all of that just so that my voice and feelings could be heard.  I will say all eyes and ears were on me (especially the bar stool incident....still not proud of that moment.  But I did get my point across).  You might say in some cases my destructive moments were motivated by righteous anger.  Hey, Jesus the Prince of Peace flipped tables because of injustice. We need to see the picture. Look at the box.  Seek the truth.  I trust that we will see peace, justice, and order.  If God can form the universe, galaxies, planets, and life from the chaos I believe we can renew, transform, and rebuild our nation. 

I have been thinking about my Dad.  And I am thankful for his example. I am who I am because of his guidance. I see the beautiful way his life has influenced my children and how they see the world.  I am thankful that I have children that can, will, and are demonstrating their willingness to grow, teach, and reach family, friends, and communities. I really wish I could have him come to dinner tonight.  I would love to hear his thoughts.  It's been nine and a half years since I last saw and got to talk with him.  He passed away in December of 2010.  I remember his memorial service and the faces of those who attended.  My dad had a kaleidoscope of friends and family.  I heard from multiple guests that my dad had the ability to make them feel that they were the one person he was looking forward to seeing.  I had people come up to me and tell me that my dad showed a brotherly/fatherly love that changed the course of their life. It didn't matter the color of their skin or their beliefs.  My dad just showed love, taught love, and gave love.  He had the most amazing hugs. I really miss those hugs.  Honestly, I think this is why I am a hugger.  Hugs can either make you uncomfortable or make you feel like everything is going to be good.   His hugs made you feel that you were his favorite person. I really wish he was here so that I could get some fatherly wisdom. I know he would have something profound to say about the state of our country.

There are many Black and Brown people in my life who experience racism, hate, and fear every day of their lives. My heart is overwhelmed and I am still trying to wrap my head around the senseless hate, violence towards, and murders of many black men and black women at the hands of uneducated, insecure, and racist individuals. Recently I began educating myself by reading about the Black Lives Matter movement. IF you want to obtain the knowledge I highly recommend you read the book, “When they call you a terrorist,” by Patrisse Kahn- Cullors and Asha Bandele. I feel it is my responsibility as a wife, mom, and grandma to seek the truth, look at the box, and teach my family by gaining wisdom and truth. I honestly thought that I understood or that I could comprehend the atrocities black men, black women, black teenagers, and black babies endure on a daily basis. I said some foolish stuff. I tried to compare my being a "dirty Philly" girl who moved into the "pristine" suburbs in the fourth grade with being a black girl in a white community. My intentions were pure and I apologize for being naive and insensitive. For me, the "dirty Philly girl" label eventually went away. People accepted me and life moved on. This is not the case for Black and Brown people. I was humbly trying to find the words of encouragement and support. And now I stand to ask for forgiveness and grace. I praise God for giving me a heart that breaks for injustice and a voice to fight against those injustices. I pray that the Holy Spirit will give me the strength to stand and speak up for all the Black and Brown people in our country that have been and are still being oppressed, violated, and marginalized. I pray that racism is eradicated from our streets, towns, cities, and the entire country. We need to do better. I need to do better... I WILL do better.

God created us ALL in His image.  It was His breath that breathed life into us.   My righteousness comes from the One who formed me out of the dust, and Who's dust I want to be covered in. I pray that God will give all of us the ability to be transformed and that our minds will be renewed.

Freedom, equality, and justice 

are the attributes our ancestors came to put in place.

The melting pot was growing

as they all moved into this space

All of the Black immigrants

were treated quite indignantly

Their Black and Brown complexion

was all that the white man could see

They were forced to be slaves 

Because of the tone of their skin

And this my fellow white American's 

Is where injustice did begin

The past few day I reflect

on the words that I recently did chose

It's been difficult to scroll social media 

and hard to watch the news

To say that I am color blind 

would be untruth on this woman's part

I am a privileged white woman

who cares from the depths of her heart

I see the beautiful tone of your skin

And you see the tone of mine too

My promise is to link arms

seeking justice and equality for you

Some are screaming for order

as fear and chaos penetrate our land

Asking the very hard question

"How did this all get so out of hand?"

Well......Freedom, Equality, and Justice

are the culprits if I must name a few,

If you were stripped of these rights

I am certain you would be outraged too.

 How many Black lives will be taken

all because of lies that have been taught and told

All lives cannot matter until Black lives matter

Now is the time to use your voice...be bold

Aim4p31....: Cloudy with a chance of Clarity

Aim4p31....: Cloudy with a chance of Clarity: My mind has been cloudy for a while.  I try to capture my thoughts and somehow they still manage to escape.  Yes, it has been a long time si...

Cloudy with a chance of Clarity

My mind has been cloudy for a while.  I try to capture my thoughts and somehow they still manage to escape.  Yes, it has been a long time since I sat down at my laptop and opened up my "Blogger" account.  Aim4p31 has truly been neglected.  I cannot promise that I will be consistent.  But I will say that I am feeling a bit cloudy with a chance of clarity.

This past week I shared my "thoughts" on Romans 2: 1-11 with my church family.  And as I said earlier my thoughts seemed to be escaping before I could catch them.  Even those thoughts that I wrote down became fuzzy and unclear to me.  I felt discombobulated and my words felt flat as they tumbled and fumbled out of my mouth. I began thinking that I didn't have much guidance to offer my precious brothers and sisters. This is exactly what the enemy had set out to do.  Distract and attack.  Midway through I started to feel defeated and depleted.   I was thankful for the assist from my precious friend as she interjected.  Almost as if she had lassoed those wandering thoughts of mine and brought them to the table.  As the evening ended what I felt was a failed attempt to walk through Romans 2 turned out to be not that terrible.  And next week I get to stumble my way through Romans 2: 12-29.

Whoa hold the presses.  I do not want to stumble or fumble God's precious words to anyone.  His words are perfect.  This morning I started praying about this upcoming weeks journey through Romans 2 and how God would reveal Himself to me and the others in my group.  Where did I go wrong this past week?  Why did I allow the enemy to whisper defeat in my ear?  And how did I not notice the Holy Spirit's guidance?  You see my sweet friend who rescued me is eloquent and articulate with her words and wisdom when it comes to teaching and leading our group.  I wanted desperately to be as eloquent, articulate and full of wisdom.  However, my thoughts were like fireflies.  They were lighting up all around me yet they were hard to catch. I wanted to be like her in my delivery.  Bottom line I can't be like her because I am me.  So, I  need to just be me and ask the Holy Spirit to give me words to speak.  I have listened to sermon after sermon and tried to read commentaries while my head was cluttered with my daily "my life is not my own" stuff.  And honestly nothing was clinging other than the clanging in my brain.  And when there is a ton of clanging I have always felt that writing or blogging has helped me reset.  And before I do either of these things I ask the Holy Spirit to lead in what others may read.  Here I go....

The book of Romans is one of my favorites.  I feel that is encapsulates the entire message of the Bible.  It is difficult and somewhat controversial in the message being delivered by Paul.  But in all reality isn't the entire Bible controversial?  God's wrath and judgment, His mercy and grace, and His unexplainable, unattainable, immeasurable and overwhelming love are always being questioned and debated.  And to be clear.  I don't think God is losing sleep over the controversy.  God is God.  As a human it is difficult to not attempt to humanize God and how He chooses to do the things He has done. But I am guilty as charged.  If I had my way..... well let's just say it's a good thing I am not God.

In chapter 1 and 2 of Romans Paul does a great job putting us all under the microscope. He gathers everyone together and shows us all the mold, bacteria and disease that is growing in the petri dish of our lives.  He calls this sin. As we gather around there is a bit of finger pointing.  We are all trying to deflect the attention.  Not one of us wants to put our slide under the scope. Funny how at this moment we are okay with everyone else going first.  Paul continues by giving us a list of the "sins" that he has discovered under the microscope.  As he lists them the room gets a little noisy.  There are whispers coming from every corner.  A few gasps and some awkward laughter.  I hear some of us saying under our breath, "Can you believe they actually do those things? We live in such a messed up society.  There are so many terrible people in this world." And then bam we all realize that we all are diseased and infected.  And we all need a cure....quick. 

This disease that's been spreading through the lab (or all over the world) doesn't care if you are rich, poor, Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Pagan, Agnostic, etc....  If you are human you are infected.  And we all need the cure.  What is the cure?  Well, it's called salvation. You cannot buy it or steal it.  It is free to all those that believe. Until a person genuinely acknowledges that they are infected they cannot appreciate this gift of mercy and grace.  Everyone can get the salvation vaccination! Once you receive it the goodness of God is revealed from faith for faith.  God is faithful to us first and in return we become faithful to Him.  Once vaccinated we can begin the process of learning to walk by faith.

But let me warn you.  There is a generic form of this vaccination.  It is polluted and tainted.  The side effects are: self-righteousness, ignorance, conceit, envy, foolishness, and too many more to mention.  And this one is really cheap.  You will begin to claim wisdom in your arrogance.  In a short while your heart will become dark and you will lose site of the beauty that God has created.  Your idea of truth will be a lie. And instead of finding joy in goodness you will begin pushing for others to buy the cheap version of the cure.

Sometimes, those of us who received the cure have a tendency of getting a little puffed up and judgmental.  Just because we got vaccinated doesn't change the fact that we are human.   Be careful of those judgement shenanigans.  If you have the capacity to judge you better be ready to stand in that same judgement.  How you judge is how you will be judged.

It's funny how my sin looks so much worse on someone else.  I catch myself often thinking, "How could she have done that?" When someone is in the midst of committing one of my sins I suddenly become judge and jury.  When it's me partaking in that sin I can justify it and give you every reason as to why I did it. Not one of us is capable of living up to their own standards.  Dang, that finger pointing is dangerous.  Right?? Trying to get people distracted by pointing at others while in all reality I am guilty of even bigger things.

Have you ever thought about what happens to the people that don't even know about the steps they need to take for the cure? Or what about the people that just don't want the cure?  And how about those that know about the cure, preach about the cure, administer the cure, but haven't really applied the cure?  I know that I have.  At one point in my life I have been all of the above.  But deep inside of me there was something telling me that I needed the cure.  That something is called our innate intelligence.  God has written His plans (law) on every human heart.  We all have an awareness of good and evil. My conscience will either excuse or accuse me in the choices I make. In the end God will look at the condition of our hearts. "They show the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on the day when God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus." ~Romans 2:15-16 

Have you been vaccinated?  Do you think you are living life differently because you have been cured?  Are you a light? Are you listening to yourself?  Are you learning what you are teaching others (or showing others) about the greatness of God's mercy, grace and unconditional love. Do the people around you want what you have?  Or is "The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles (unvaccinated) because of you?

Paul continues to explain what he has examined on the slides under the microscope.  He points out that there a some in the room that were chosen from the beginning to be set apart.  They would not succumb to the harsh conditions of this disease because God made an agreement (covenant).  And as a sign of this agreement the chosen ones agreed to a physical circumcision. The spiritual concept behind the physical cutting away of the flesh was that they are alive after the spirit and no longer in the flesh.  Yes this race of people, the chosen ones, should have been living in the way God had laid out for them in His commandments. They should not just have the knowledge but they should be doers.  Their hearts, minds and bodies should be seeking after the Spirit.  But, as Paul shows us what's been growing, we see that all of us need the cure.

Now that we all know we are in need of the cure what are we going to do about it?  We all stand together with the same diagnosis.  We are sick and only getting sicker.  We've been taking pleasure in doing things, unspeakable things. We've been judging others with the same illness.  Pointing out their symptoms and coughing in their faces at the same time.

In order for us to be able to enjoy the brilliance of God's grace it is important that we understand the magnitude of our disease.  Paul now leaves the petri dish out in plain view.  It is now black with mold, bacteria, and disease. Paul laid it out for us so that he might now be able to show us the brilliance of the glory of the mercy and grace of God that has been revealed to us in the cure, Jesus Christ.  We, the disease riddled people of the world, so not deserve this vaccination, and yet we are being offered this gift. Yes we are being offered a life of walking in God's glory and grace.  Get out your bible and read ahead.  Romans 3 is full of God's glorious grace.

Praying that our Heavenly Father will be with us as we seek Him. May the Holy Spirit guide us and help us to not be caught up in the petri dish of living in the flesh.  May we all take pleasure in walking with God and His mercy and grace, His unexplainable, unattainable, immeasurable and overwhelming love, and His power. I pray that we all come into a fuller, richer and deeper gratitude for God's grace and place in our lives.  In Jesus' most magnificent name.  (and the infected people in the room shout......AMEN)