As I sit here this morning we are now nine-plus months into the Covid 19 virus wreaking havoc on this planet. Some days my world seems really small and other days it's densely populated. It's strange walking around in public with my face covered. I normally love being outside soaking up vitamin D and feeling the warmth of the sun as it kisses my head. But Covid has left me in a winter state of mind. For those of you who love winter insert your least favorite season here. I been in a dark and dangerous space in my head off on during this pandemic. The things that once gave me joy are often the source of my concern. I seem to feel cold all the time. I don't want to leave the "cave" and go out into the unknown (if you are singing that frozen song....your welcome). As for the "cave", I only allow for a few to enter. Anxiety is a daily occurrence. I attempt to leave it at God's feet and occasionally I release my grip as I place it in His hand. I win the battle with anxiety twenty-four days out of thirty. But let me tell you those six losses are hard to recover from. Sometimes those losses rattle around in my head for hours upon hours. I wake in the middle of the night paralyzed with the uncertainty of tomorrow and what it holds.
Things are very different this November 26th. Last year at this time I was still working, shopping at the mall, going to bible studies, visiting family and friends, dating my husband, eating out, vacationing (or planning a vacation), going to church, and many other social activities. Now, life is quite virtual. I am a stay at home wife. Shopping is done online or at the market as infrequently as possible. We haven't physically been to our bible study in weeks/months. Dating my husband has taken on a whole new meaning. We've canceled multiple trips and vacations. Social distancing has taken the place of social activity. We now do Churchome in our home with family, friends and/or anyone who wants to join us.
Counting blessings can be a chore. This virus is still spreading and people are told to stay home and not celebrate by having the usual large family gatherings. Covid has brought a change to the dynamics of my world. Life is strange but strange is becoming the new normal. So, as I gather around the table with few members of my family to celebrate this Beast Feast Thursday, I count the blessings that I see on the surface. And I pray that God will reveal those blessings that are hidden deep within the selfishness of my being. I praise God for the “be still” moments that this pandemic has forced upon many of us. I praise Him for the sleep-deprived nights that have me meditating on His promises for the future. My gratitude for my liberties and freedoms has become illuminated. I am blessed to have a family that is willing to quarantine and distance themselves from others so that we can be together while our sacrifices protect others and ourselves. I am overwhelmed by the love, support, and generosity of my husband, children, grandchildren, family, and friends. There is much to be thankful for even in this crazy time in history.
I have been thinking a lot about what it means to have free will and what is to live in God's will. Have you ever tried to pick up a toddler that was mid-tantrum? That eighteen-pound little nugget feels more like a fifty-pound turkey. And the resistance is real. It’s difficult to explain but they become like a wet noodle and somehow managed to make the task of picking them up nearly impossible. This is how I often see myself giving God authority over every aspect of my life. It’s easy to give Him reign over the things that run parallel with His guidelines. However, I become that tantrum-throwing toddler when I have to let go of the hard stuff. Love your neighbor that barks at you and threatens to run your car over because your guest parked a little peculiar on the streets. Ummm okay. How about loving that family member that pretends they don’t see you in a room? Or that stranger that just cut you off (and they have a political bumper sticker for the opposing party) causing you to slam on your breaks? And those people that don’t pray like you, look like you, do like you do, or do what you want them to do? How do we refrain from showing hate and instead choose to live in love and in God’s will? Well, the answer isn’t simplistic. Handing over your free will and replacing it with living in God’s will is no easy task. You need to be cognizant of every thought, word, and action. The Holy Spirit is there to guide from inside. However, free will makes it our decision to choose love, which is ultimately God's will or to choose our selfishness. Like I said not simplistic. But, I promise you it is attainable. Try walking, taking a journey, and envision that God is walking with you. Side by side. Arm in arm. Hand in hand. What would you refrain from and what would you run to?
My hope and plan are that I will take the blessings from today and carry them with me. I pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to a place of trust and that my faith would be unshakable. My reality may look slightly different than what I envision but at least I have a plan. Unlike my meal plan for today. God can only control what I allow Him to control in my life. He promises to protect, lead, guide, and love are genuine and true. So, when I leave uncertainty, anxiety, and the undesirable state of mind and reality at His feet He waits. In His magnificent ways, He watches over me and waits for me to surrender. Hands up. I want to run toward a life of unshakable faith.
I pray that the blessings of this day are too many to count.
Happy and blessed Beast Feast Thursday!
