It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like.......Hold That Thought

Covid 19 strikes again.  I feel like I should wash my mouth out with soap after saying that phrase.  I have to admit I am really over this season.  I have been social distancing, quarantining, and sanitizing like a crazy person.  My world is quite different than it was a year ago. 

It's beginning to look a lot like....hold that thought for a minute.  Yes, Christmas 2020 is less than two weeks away. Each year my favorite part of this season is the big family sleepover we have on Christmas Eve Eve. It's a big deal for my tribe.  My Mom, my brother and his wife, most of our children (if they are in the country or able to fly home), their spouses/significant others, grandchildren, and grandpups all settle in for a not so quiet night of family, food, fun, movies, and games.  Let's not forget the annual Christmas Eve Eve pajamas.  Yes, every year I try to outdo the pajama's from the year before.  We almost always match!  I love this night.  However, this year our Eve Eve may look very different.

As the number of Covid 19 positive cases keeps rising our plan for this year keeps changing.  This year initially had visions of a grand extravaganza.  We had hoped to include some of our extended family members in our big pregaming feast and possibly the pajama party.  Our whole crazy family including my ex-husband and his wife and my husband's ex-wife and her husband.  It seemed like everyone planned on being in Pennsylvania for a 2020 celebration. So we planned to extend the invitation for all to pack a sleeping bag and curl up in a cozy corner in our very full house and embrace the beautiful blessing of the Eve Eve pajamas.  Well, that Grinchy Covid 19 has been plucking and pruning away at the guestlist for our 2020 Christmas Eve Eve celebration.  Our crowd is slowly dwindling and the hard fact is that it is just going to be a lot less crowded this year.  Two of our children and their other halves are unable to fly home due to the virus.  Our extendeds decided to not travel at the risk of contracting Covid 19. Not even the members of our "bubble" are safe from being eliminated from the festivities.  Yes, our bubble has been compromised a few times over the past few weeks.  I thought about postponing the whole event and celebrating Christmas Eve Eve in July 2021.  However, I don't think I could convince the grands to wait seven months to unwrap their gifts.  And I am certain that the anticipation of the Eve Eve pajama reveal would be too great to contain my family's excitement (plus cozy winter pajamas in July.....).  So, the show must go on. Not sure if it will be December 23rd or the eve eve of another day this holiday season.  But the show will go on.  And we can still have an Eve Eve celebration at the beach in July too!  Hopefully, the virus will be a bad memory by that point.  And our extended family can join us on the sand for a fun day of food, games, and maybe pajamas too. 

I have to admit that this whole new surge of Covid nearly threw me into a full-blown temper tantrum.  I have stopped asking the question, "What next?".  I came to the reality that I don't need to ask that question because the "what next" happens without question.  My husband and I stopped going to our bible study on Wednesday nights.  We stopped going to the mall or the stores to browse for fun and fabulous deals.  We don't have friends over for dinner or to just hang out.  We haven't been to a restaurant in weeks (possibly months).  We have had multiple encounters with the possibility that one or more of our children may have been in direct contact with a Covid positive individual. Our granddaughters had been going to school virtually and missing out on precious socializing time with old and new friends. And now they are hybrid (which is a whole different stress factor). I haven't seen much of my family up close and personal.  We have canceled trips, vacations, gatherings, celebrations big and small, Sunday dinners, trips to the amusement park (last year's Christmas gift to the grands was an annual pass to Sesame Place), and the list could go on and on.  But this week just about had me on the floor kicking and screaming.

I love my grands.  Who wouldn't?  They are smart, funny, and I learn something new about myself every time we are together.  I enjoy having them here during the week.  I especially love our pajama parties.  Watching each of them grow and flourish has been amazing.  I use to see the two oldest multiple times each week.  Some days it would be for a few minutes and other days an hour or more.  I saw them go from a baby blob to a ball of energy.  Playing, praying, reading, singing songs, crafting, baking, making up fun games to play, dance parties in the purple room, bubble wrap stomping, making Barbie things, Ninja Turtle Tuesdays and so much more.  Covid 19 changed a lot of things (daily visits with the grands was one of the negatives to parents working from home. At least from a grandma's perspective).  We all grew together and we continue to grow and have fun doing it.  So, when I received news of a "bubble" member's potential exposure to the virus I was initially in denial.  Reality hit me around 4am.  I woke up praying and laying my thoughts and concerns at God's feet.  One by one I expressed my gratitude for the blessings,  And suddenly...bam,  Just like that I went from praising Him to hmm.  My head and heart began to battle for my mind as I grew angry over the who's, what's and why's of this life-altering virus.  I could handle not seeing the world outside my bubble.  But now my bubble once again is being compromised.  The thought of not physically seeing these amazing girls for an extended time just makes me sad and upset. These chicks are three of the most important humans in my world. My greatest blessings.  I praise God for their love, hugs, and laughter. So, I think you can understand the disappointment in my heart.  You're a mean one Covid 19.  I suppose I will need to get creative with how we will grow together as this virus continues to wreak havoc on our lives.

As I sit here this morning.  Post tantrum.  I realize, once again, that I am a brat.  God has given me so much and I sit here and complain that there is a slight altering of my universe.  I am fortunate that I haven't lost a family member or loved one to the awful virus.  And for that, I am truly blessed.  Amid my tantrum, I lost sight of the meaning of this season.  Love.  Love doesn't come in the form of Eve Eve pajamas.  It's not the packages wrapped and joyfully placed beneath the tree. It is understanding that things don't always go the way we planned because God may have something different planned.  Love is patiently waiting to unwrap the goodness that this moment holds and trying hard not to throw a tantrum when it's not the right size (God knows you will grow into or out of your circumstances).  Love isn't jealous or envious of what others have and how they get to celebrate with their bubble or bubble extensions. Love doesn't make a list and check it twice (or three or four times) to point a finger at who's naughty and who's nice. Love is that joyful moment when you can figure out alternative ways to celebrate without putting your loved ones in harm's way.  Love always trusts, hopes and presses on regardless of the tantrums, disappointments, and unwanted changes. I pray that Eve Eve will be filled with love.  

We will get over, under, around, and thru this crazy time.  In the end, we will be more resilient and possibly more creative with how we celebrate.  I know that I will be grateful for the hugs, kisses, and moments spent with my out of the bubble family and friends.  Yes, the season is difficult.  However, it's beginning to look a lot like love.

Happy and Blessed Beast Feast Thursday!

Today isn’t just your run of the mill Thursday. It's Beast Feast Thursday!  Many of you refer to this as Thanksgiving Day.  Normally I would be fully prepared and already have a menu in place.  This year...well let's just say I have the turkey in the oven.   That my friend is a step in the right direction.  

As I sit here this morning we are now nine-plus months into the Covid 19 virus wreaking havoc on this planet. Some days my world seems really small and other days it's densely populated.  It's strange walking around in public with my face covered.  I normally love being outside soaking up vitamin D and feeling the warmth of the sun as it kisses my head. But Covid has left me in a winter state of mind.  For those of you who love winter insert your least favorite season here.  I been in a dark and dangerous space in my head off on during this pandemic.  The things that once gave me joy are often the source of my concern. I seem to feel cold all the time.  I don't want to leave the "cave" and go out into the unknown (if you are singing that frozen song....your welcome).  As for the "cave", I only allow for a few to enter.  Anxiety is a daily occurrence.  I attempt to leave it at God's feet and occasionally I release my grip as I place it in His hand.  I win the battle with anxiety twenty-four days out of thirty. But let me tell you those six losses are hard to recover from.  Sometimes those losses rattle around in my head for hours upon hours. I wake in the middle of the night paralyzed with the uncertainty of tomorrow and what it holds.   

Things are very different this November 26th.  Last year at this time I was still working, shopping at the mall, going to bible studies, visiting family and friends, dating my husband, eating out, vacationing (or planning a vacation), going to church, and many other social activities.  Now, life is quite virtual.  I am a stay at home wife. Shopping is done online or at the market as infrequently as possible. We haven't physically been to our bible study in weeks/months.  Dating my husband has taken on a whole new meaning. We've canceled multiple trips and vacations.  Social distancing has taken the place of social activity.  We now do Churchome in our home with family, friends and/or anyone who wants to join us.

Counting blessings can be a chore. This virus is still spreading and people are told to stay home and not celebrate by having the usual large family gatherings.  Covid has brought a change to the dynamics of my world. Life is strange but strange is becoming the new normal. So, as I gather around the table with few members of my family to celebrate this Beast Feast Thursday, I count the blessings that I see on the surface.  And I pray that God will reveal those blessings that are hidden deep within the selfishness of my being.  I praise God for the “be still” moments that this pandemic has forced upon many of us. I praise Him for the sleep-deprived nights that have me meditating on His promises for the future.  My gratitude for my liberties and freedoms has become illuminated.  I am blessed to have a family that is willing to quarantine and distance themselves from others so that we can be together while our sacrifices protect others and ourselves.  I am overwhelmed by the love, support, and generosity of my husband, children,  grandchildren, family, and friends.  There is much to be thankful for even in this crazy time in history. 

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to have free will and what is to live in God's will. Have you ever tried to pick up a toddler that was mid-tantrum?  That eighteen-pound little nugget feels more like a fifty-pound turkey. And the resistance is real.  It’s difficult to explain but they become like a wet noodle and somehow managed to make the task of picking them up nearly impossible.  This is how I often see myself giving God authority over every aspect of my life.  It’s easy to give Him reign over the things that run parallel with His guidelines.  However, I become that tantrum-throwing toddler when I have to let go of the hard stuff.  Love your neighbor that barks at you and threatens to run your car over because your guest parked a little peculiar on the streets.  Ummm okay.  How about loving that family member that pretends they don’t see you in a room?  Or that stranger that just cut you off (and they have a political bumper sticker for the opposing party) causing you to slam on your breaks?  And those people that don’t pray like you, look like you, do like you do, or do what you want them to do?  How do we refrain from showing hate and instead choose to live in love and in God’s will?  Well, the answer isn’t simplistic.  Handing over your free will and replacing it with living in God’s will is no easy task.  You need to be cognizant of every thought, word, and action.  The Holy Spirit is there to guide from inside. However, free will makes it our decision to choose love, which is ultimately God's will or to choose our selfishness. Like I said not simplistic.  But, I promise you it is attainable.  Try walking, taking a journey, and envision that God is walking with you. Side by side. Arm in arm.  Hand in hand.  What would you refrain from and what would you run to?  

My hope and plan are that I will take the blessings from today and carry them with me.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will lead me to a place of trust and that my faith would be unshakable.  My reality may look slightly different than what I envision but at least I have a plan.  Unlike my meal plan for today.  God can only control what I allow Him to control in my life.  He promises to protect, lead, guide, and love are genuine and true.  So, when I leave uncertainty, anxiety, and the undesirable state of mind and reality at His feet He waits.  In His magnificent ways, He watches over me and waits for me to surrender.  Hands up. I want to run toward a life of unshakable faith. 

I pray that the blessings of this day are too many to count.

Happy and blessed Beast Feast Thursday!  

   

Pause and Cause

As I sit here this morning my thoughts seem a bit calm but also overwhelming at the same time.  It's been a long time since I sat and blogged.  For some reason, over the past few months, I have had this mental block or just an odd sense of blahhhhh each time I contemplated writing.  Do you ever wonder how you can be quiet and still when there is so much going on in the world around you?  There is this overwhelming feeling that you are grasping for a message or a single word from God. I have been feeling this way for quite some time.  2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds me that I am to take every thought captive.  How do I even begin to place a lasso around my brain foggy mind?

The world has been on pause because of the Covid 19 strand of coronavirus.  And our country is also protesting to seek justice due to injustices that stem from the beginning of this country's history. And here I sit on this June, Sunday morning in the comfort of my own home reflecting on the "pause and cause".  I honestly feel I might have hit the pause button a little too hard in many areas of my life.  I had become complacent in areas that I should be humbled and dissatisfied.  In the beginning months of the quarantine I spent hours putting together a 3000 piece puzzle that my son-in-law, Duane gave me (he informed me that the puzzle was missing approximately 3 pieces.... oh the torture).  As I stood for hours at my dining room table, covered from end to end with puzzle pieces (2997 of them) I was able to remove myself from the world around me.  I slowly put the pieces in place for a little over 3 weeks. I refused to look at the box.  What was I thinking?  I made this task so much harder by not knowing where the pieces fit. After a few weeks and a few pauses from the task I eventually completed the non-completable puzzle. Quite honestly as I put the last piece in its place I felt somewhat happy.  But wait, there were multiple pieces missing.  However, I did what I could to see it to completion.

Now what? I was paused. There were moments I unintentionally pressed a slight pause on my connecting with God, my family, my friends, current events, and my mind. Time to unpause and get back to the "cause" of what was happening around me.  And let me tell you there is a lot going on around me. My country, my family, friends, and community are all struggling to put the pieces together.  We all have an idea of what the whole picture should look like but we are all refusing to look at the "box".  We see what we want to see and in return, we are making a mess of things.  We are searching for the boarders and putting pieces where they don't belong.  And just like the puzzle I had in front of me we all have some pertinent pieces missing. Truth be told I firmly believe that it is the "pause" that has been placed on understanding, truth, and justice that have "caused" this time in our lives to be difficult.   There is this battle going in inside of me.  The "pause" is a nice safe place.  I don't want to be complacent.  I don't want to conform to the patterns of this "paused" world. 

This is the day that Romans 12:2 has decided to penetrate my "paused" mind.  There are many translations of scripture and I hope you don't mind but  I would love to share the TPT (The Passion Translation) version. "Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God's will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in His eyes."    Put a lasso around that overwhelmed mind and realize that the Holy Spirit dwells within.   I ask myself, "Am I afraid of the ideas and opinions of those around me?"  The world is full of darkness. As I scroll through social media my heart breaks.  We are broken.  Brokenness does not discriminate. Life is more valuable than property damage.    I am not perfect.  I am a work in progress.  I have never been a victim of racism or actually know what it feels like to be treated unjustly because of my complexion. However, I do know what it feels like to be furious enough that I have broken an object, slammed a door, shattered a glass, pushed someone off a barstool (yes I did do this and I am not proud), use words that cut deep and my list could go on and on. Doing all of that just so that my voice and feelings could be heard.  I will say all eyes and ears were on me (especially the bar stool incident....still not proud of that moment.  But I did get my point across).  You might say in some cases my destructive moments were motivated by righteous anger.  Hey, Jesus the Prince of Peace flipped tables because of injustice. We need to see the picture. Look at the box.  Seek the truth.  I trust that we will see peace, justice, and order.  If God can form the universe, galaxies, planets, and life from the chaos I believe we can renew, transform, and rebuild our nation. 

I have been thinking about my Dad.  And I am thankful for his example. I am who I am because of his guidance. I see the beautiful way his life has influenced my children and how they see the world.  I am thankful that I have children that can, will, and are demonstrating their willingness to grow, teach, and reach family, friends, and communities. I really wish I could have him come to dinner tonight.  I would love to hear his thoughts.  It's been nine and a half years since I last saw and got to talk with him.  He passed away in December of 2010.  I remember his memorial service and the faces of those who attended.  My dad had a kaleidoscope of friends and family.  I heard from multiple guests that my dad had the ability to make them feel that they were the one person he was looking forward to seeing.  I had people come up to me and tell me that my dad showed a brotherly/fatherly love that changed the course of their life. It didn't matter the color of their skin or their beliefs.  My dad just showed love, taught love, and gave love.  He had the most amazing hugs. I really miss those hugs.  Honestly, I think this is why I am a hugger.  Hugs can either make you uncomfortable or make you feel like everything is going to be good.   His hugs made you feel that you were his favorite person. I really wish he was here so that I could get some fatherly wisdom. I know he would have something profound to say about the state of our country.

There are many Black and Brown people in my life who experience racism, hate, and fear every day of their lives. My heart is overwhelmed and I am still trying to wrap my head around the senseless hate, violence towards, and murders of many black men and black women at the hands of uneducated, insecure, and racist individuals. Recently I began educating myself by reading about the Black Lives Matter movement. IF you want to obtain the knowledge I highly recommend you read the book, “When they call you a terrorist,” by Patrisse Kahn- Cullors and Asha Bandele. I feel it is my responsibility as a wife, mom, and grandma to seek the truth, look at the box, and teach my family by gaining wisdom and truth. I honestly thought that I understood or that I could comprehend the atrocities black men, black women, black teenagers, and black babies endure on a daily basis. I said some foolish stuff. I tried to compare my being a "dirty Philly" girl who moved into the "pristine" suburbs in the fourth grade with being a black girl in a white community. My intentions were pure and I apologize for being naive and insensitive. For me, the "dirty Philly girl" label eventually went away. People accepted me and life moved on. This is not the case for Black and Brown people. I was humbly trying to find the words of encouragement and support. And now I stand to ask for forgiveness and grace. I praise God for giving me a heart that breaks for injustice and a voice to fight against those injustices. I pray that the Holy Spirit will give me the strength to stand and speak up for all the Black and Brown people in our country that have been and are still being oppressed, violated, and marginalized. I pray that racism is eradicated from our streets, towns, cities, and the entire country. We need to do better. I need to do better... I WILL do better.

God created us ALL in His image.  It was His breath that breathed life into us.   My righteousness comes from the One who formed me out of the dust, and Who's dust I want to be covered in. I pray that God will give all of us the ability to be transformed and that our minds will be renewed.

Freedom, equality, and justice 

are the attributes our ancestors came to put in place.

The melting pot was growing

as they all moved into this space

All of the Black immigrants

were treated quite indignantly

Their Black and Brown complexion

was all that the white man could see

They were forced to be slaves 

Because of the tone of their skin

And this my fellow white American's 

Is where injustice did begin

The past few day I reflect

on the words that I recently did chose

It's been difficult to scroll social media 

and hard to watch the news

To say that I am color blind 

would be untruth on this woman's part

I am a privileged white woman

who cares from the depths of her heart

I see the beautiful tone of your skin

And you see the tone of mine too

My promise is to link arms

seeking justice and equality for you

Some are screaming for order

as fear and chaos penetrate our land

Asking the very hard question

"How did this all get so out of hand?"

Well......Freedom, Equality, and Justice

are the culprits if I must name a few,

If you were stripped of these rights

I am certain you would be outraged too.

 How many Black lives will be taken

all because of lies that have been taught and told

All lives cannot matter until Black lives matter

Now is the time to use your voice...be bold