I have been in a bit of a spiritual funk this past month and a half. And up until this week I couldn't quite figure out why. There is a force that has great delight when I am in a fog. Especially when the fog is so thick that I can barely even see God. I haven't been sleeping and I have been in a strange emotional place. It's not depression. It's not sadness. It's just that I am foggy and disconnected. The things that have given me joy seem to be less vibrant. I normally read when I can't sleep but I just haven't felt the desire to read anything of substance. I began listening to podcasts and found myself getting irritated by my headphones. The words being spoken became jumbled every time I tried to adjust the earpieces. I even ordered a headband that had earphones attached (Amazon is open at 3am in case you were wondering). They arrived and were a huge disappointment. I just got more and more agitated trying to position them on my head. Eventually I just gave up. And I became a pro at tossing, turning and staring into the darkness of the bedroom.
Eventually, I asked myself, "What the heck is going on?" And the answer was quite simple. I realized that I hadn't been silent, seeking or sitting with God. My ability to listen was nonexistent and the noise that surrounded me was loud, distracting and was consuming me. The fog became think and dense. And clarity became cloudy.
I had too much going in in the world around me. Three deaths in a week and a half, a precious woman having health issues and surgery, a sweet young couple mourning a loss, a child making a tough but joyful decision, another child struggling with where their future will lead them, and co-workers who struggled with losses and life altering moments. And the list goes on. My plate was full and I prayed and thought that I had offered this all up to the Lord. But I never allowed Him to clean my plate. The fog was so dense that I couldn't see His hand reaching for the fork. I was tired and my heart was breaking. These burdens were heavy and my head was too cloudy.
Finally, I knew what I needed to do. I had to listen. This was the only way that I would be able to come out of the fog. I needed to come to the end of me and realize that God is God and I am not. I have a horrible habit of making God less than who He is and what He can do. As I sit here and blog about my fog I can feel God's hand waving away the thickness that has been consuming me. In Psalm 139 David writes, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting." God's love is infinite and personal. God is also infinitely wise and therefore able to plot the best course. Only a fool would refuse to let His infinite love and wisdom guide and guard their life and destiny. And while the fog was thick I was lost and feeling a lack of direction God was ever present. He whispered truth in my direction. I just wasn't still enough to hear.
I decided that I needed something to remind me that He is God and I am not. I am a sinner saved by His grace. The grace that He freely lavishes on me every day. I found a piece of fabric and braided three strands. And placed it on my wrist. It reminds me that God, the Father, is always there to guide and guard me. And that God, the Son, has protected me from the pain of death by paying the penalty for the sinfulness within me. And that God, the Spirit, is within me and floods my heart with light even when the fog rolls in. I am overwhelmed by God's love, faithfulness, compassion, grace and wisdom. And I am thankful that His mercy endures forever.
I pray that you are all feeling the blessings of our Almighty God. If you are feeling cloudy I pray that you allow His amazing grace fill you with joy. And that you too will come out of the fog and into His glory.