On my half birthday, August 26th, I found myself sitting in the emergency room of our local hospital praying that I was just having severe gas pains. It wasn't. I had been feeling a little run down for a few days leading up to my ER visit. But I still went to work and did all the extra stuff that has been filling my days and nights. After-all, a little intense pain hadn't stopped me in the past. I walked gingerly while at the office and at home while I tried convincing myself for two days that it was just gas pain. There was work to be done. I had to get payroll completed and other things needed to be addressed. That Friday evening, after work, I came home and laid down for a few minutes. As I laid there I pushed on my right side only to feel the pain intensify. However, that didn't change my direction. I sprung up from my nap and Greg and I headed to church for a Friday night function we committed to. We finally arrived home. Greg asked if I wanted a snack and some wine. I felt nauseous and politely told him I needed to just go to bed. Big indication something was seriously wrong was me saying no to food and wine. I was restless and in pain the entire night. It was Saturday morning, I got up kissed my husband and off to work I went. Again, I had to get the job done. Payroll, emails and tablet malfunctions... oh my. By 11:15am I was unable to stand upright. But I continued to tidy up what work I had completed. And finally, when the pain was almost unbearable, I called Greg and said, "I think I need to go to the ER". I was pretty certain by this point that it was an appendicitis. We arrived at the ER (I tried to back out but Greg said, "No, we are going to the ER"). The staff ran some tests and came back and said,"Kathleen, you will be having emergency surgery within the hour for an appendicitis. And we also saw a mass on your kidney." I have to admit the appendectomy part didn't shock me. But, the mass part did. For a split second I thought about the day we found out my dad had cancer. The word "mass" caused my thoughts to go cloudy. But, I had to focus. And I realized at that moment this whole situation was all God.
Surgery was a success. And many blessings came out of it too. I was greeted by someone who told me that they were led to tell me about an almost identical situation with their kidney. This individual even directed me on which doctor to consult with in regards to my pending partial neprectomy. I was clueless. And God directed this individual to me. I felt a peace come over me. God's got this! I spent a few long days and nights in the hospital.
I rejoiced the day I was discharged! My mom came for a few days to make sure I stayed off my feet. And I have to hand it to her she did a pretty good job. I tried to get up and do things and she did the mom thing and made me get back to my pillow and blanket. I had visitors, food, flowers and prayer. I was blessed. After doing her time mom went home. And I decided that I was ready to get back to reality.
I am not one for taking it easy or for taking care of myself. In all reality I am terrible about taking care of me. I have put my family, friends, and work ahead of myself for so long that it feels super unnatural to stop and rest. God knows me so well. He sent me multiple signals. And I was too preoccupied with not wanting to let people down that I ignored each sign (shingles, kidney stones, multiple rashes, fevers etc...). God is faithful. And He loves this chick so much that He went to great lengths to get my attention.
But I am a thickheaded child. I had a perforated appendix. And still managed to convince the surgeon that I was well enough to go back to work a week later. And I did. I can admit that this decision was incredibly foolish. And those of you who know me will agree that this is difficult for me to confess. One week after my returning to work I saw the Dr for a follow up visit. And he signed me out of work again. Initially I was upset with this decision. And then he explained that work will always be there. And if I didn't take the time off to heal now it may take months to get back to normal. I am now following the Dr's orders and not my own.
Just like learning to follow the doctor's orders I need to have a refresher course on learning to trust in God and remain steadfast in my faith. This takes a lot of trust. Life is full of highs and lows. And it's easy to trust in the Lord when life is going the way we planned. However, when our plan is not congruent with God's plan our faith doesn't always feel so strong. God is my All in All, my everything. And it's only because of His great provision that I am what I am, I have what I have, and I am blessed. I need to come to an understanding that there is a time a place for everyone and everything in my life. And that includes me. God is God and I am not. Who do I think I am? God didn't create me to be the doer of everything. I cannot save a broken world especially when I am broken myself. And the more I click away at this keyboard I am realizing just how arrogant I have been over the years. I have put my work ahead of my health. My family and friends ahead of my health. My social life ahead of my health. All the while I forgot that God is to be the head of my life and my health. It's a miracle that I am here. When I think about all those babies that never saw life, the individuals that died early in their years and those that live a joyless, faithless and a darkness filled life my heart is overwhelmed. I am blessed. I believe that my heart, for the most part, has been in the right place when I push myself to the back burner. And in retrospect my judgement and timing hasn't always been that great. Good thing for me that I have another day in this life to discover that there is a time and season for everything under the sun. I was born for a purpose. God's timing may not be conducive to this workaholics lifestyle but His plan is better than mine. For now I will take the time to rejoice in my life, plant His words in my heart, allow my body to heal, build up my temple, cry when I need to cry, and laugh a lot too.
I am not sure how to focus on the right thing. But I do know how to seek God's hand. So, if you are looking for me I will be sitting "Indian style" in the palm of the One who made me.
Thank you for being a blessing in this world!
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain for embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.
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