See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me.
~Isaiah 49:16
This past week felt like an uphill climb from the very beginning. And as I prepared for this weeks trip up the hill I prayed that the Lord would give me enough gas to cover the mileage to get to where I needed to be; the top of the hill. I was pretty certain that when I arrived there things would plateau. And here I am. The top of the hill on my one day off this week. And I am excited the share a piece of this day with you. I'd say God truly has bless me.
Greg has been at work all week so the house has been unusually quiet. I have been hanging with Piper, the dog, and Macy, the cat, every evening after work. And trust me when I tell you it's easy to overthink and get lost in those over thought thoughts when you are home alone. Over the past few years I have gained weight in places I am not comfortable with. When I look in the mirror all I see are the imperfections, rolls, wrinkles and strands of grey, my "crown of splendor". It seems pretty easy to rattle off the list of things I don't like about me when I put myself under my "microscope". I magnify all that I dislike; the shape of my body, my teeth, my hair, my face, my fingernails, and even my duck feet. But when I look deeper I really am embarrassed about my past relationship with the Lord. There are parts of me that I wish God couldn't see and never had to see. These truths about me are a hard pill to swallow. I have been a liar and I've had a unclean past. And at the top of that list is that I cheated on my Heavenly Father. My desires, at one point in my life, were for the things of this world. I wanted the approval of people more than God's approval. And didn't care about how my sins were effecting others and my relationship with my creator. As I grew and learn more deeply about His love for me the more overwhelmed I began to feel. I felt like a total disappointment. You know that feeling when you hear a parent say, "I am disappointed in your actions. This is NOT who I raised you to be." It can be a pretty gut wrenching and life altering moment. However, God's love and grace are always overflowing. I just needed to be open to receiving these precious gifts. And I needed to learn to see myself the way He see me.
Looking for the treasures in the midst of the filth isn't easy. It's not as easy to answer the question; "What do I like about me?". In all reality this list wasn't nearly as fluid. I had to dig deep and think. I like my eyes, my ears, I love to read books that glorify God, I like that I am wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend. I like that I put everyone in front of myself and have a tendency of forgetting to count me in the number. And if I had to pick one trait that I would love to have everyone recognize about me that would be that I am a Jesus Freak. When I sit back and acknowledge that God, El Roi, sees me as perfect I am able to see the truth that He adores me and is a Kathleen Freak. Yes, He is madly in love with me. He would have to be in order to see me as He does. Once I take hold of the truth that I am His perfect creation, and begin to look at myself through God's eyes, I can continue the uphill climb and discover who I am. And who I am meant to be.
God is mindful of us. He tenderly watches over us. He knows every intricate detail and loves us nonetheless. He sees our imperfections and makes them perfect. Have you ever thought about your past and wondered how God has used those imperfect moments in your life to help better someone else in a difficult time? I think of myself as a vessel. I have a few cracks, holes and stains. Some may look at me and think I am worthless and imperfect. But God continues to pour His love and grace into me, a broken, full of holes, and stained vessel, daily. Perhaps, at one point in my life His grace overflowed from the top. But now? No, now it flows from the cracks and the holes. You see those stains make me more approachable. I have seen how God has used my "microscope" moments and my unclean past, my hills and valleys, to help another vessel going through the refiners fire. My cracks and holes allow for God's grace to flow from every angle. He purposefully pours love and grace into me. And faithfully reminds me that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am engraved in the palm of His hand.
Last week I suggested that you write the name of someone on the palm of your hand. I thought about a few people that I willingly wanted to put their names on my hand. But when I grabbed the indelible marker another name came to mind. So,out of obedience, I wrote this persons name on my hand. And throughout the day I thought of this person every time I looked at my hand. There were also few people that got a glimpse of the name I had on my hand. And this again made me aware of this person. I found myself praying for this person, who's name was written on the palm of my hand, multiple time. They were on my mind and heart all day. And here is the funny thing. I haven't thought about this person for a while. And I honestly didn't pray for this person on a regular basis. I have to say that I am praising God for putting this person on my heart and in my hand. Eventually, as the day progressed the name began to fade (I did rewrite the name once. I wash my hands too much). And by the time I got home from work there was only a small trace of the name remaining. And it made me think about Isaiah 49:16, "See, I have engraved you in the palm of My hand" Did you hear that? You are ENGRAVED in His hand. Yes, your are permanently engraved in His perfect and adoring hand. I love my husband, children and family so much. But they are not engraved in my hand. You see God really is a Kathleen Freak! He thinks about me and is not embarrassed to have me engraved in His hand. He carries me and when I need Him to hold me tight He folds His fingers around me, "your walls are ever before me".
So, I have to say that I may not have everyone's name engraved on my hand, but I have a better understanding of how God, El Roi, sees me and adores me. I may not be perfect. My past has clearly helped to mold this vessel. My sins have nicked me. And I cracks and holes from the hurt and pain that I have caused and other have inflicted. And I am forever stained by worldly rejection. But it is because of God's love and grace that this vessel is not now, nor will it ever be, shattered. He is the God of our past, present and future. He see us where we are and will be. Remember this, "For I know the plans I have for you." He has big things planned. And He can and will use every circumstance to work that plan out. We need to embrace our self proclaimed imperfections and rejoice because He, the perfect God, understands us on a deeper level. He made us in His image. Yes the unseen God, the one who sees us, wants us to know that He made us in His image. I know that I need to think about that the next time I look in the mirror. I pray that instead of pulling myself apart that I keep my focus on God. After all He sees me as someone worth engraving on the palm of His hand. He knows me from the inside out. And I am enough for Him, broken and beautiful.
I pray that as you and I go through this upcoming week that we take a moment to look in the mirror and see the beauty that God sees.
Questions to ponder for next week:
What would you say is the most important epiphany of your life?
Have you ever experienced the miracle of a perspective change? To what extent did this shift your perspective of a gift from God? In what ways was your intentional choice involved?
What are some areas of your life you tend to be blind and in need of healing?
What are some basic beliefs you use to filter your experiences and help you see? Do you think the idea of "believing is seeing" is dangerous or misused?
Where in your life do you tend to go to encounter God?
In what ways could a shifted perspective on God change your prayer life? The way you do your job? Your relationship with others?
Have a blessed week!
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