This past Sunday, as I sat and listened to Pastor Ross' sermon, my mind began to drift. He made a statement that just captivated my thoughts. "Fear makes our perspective of God small." And he continued with, " The greatness of our fear is in direct correlation to the greatness we attribute to God".
With the sermon still fresh in my mind I found myself reading chapter five of, "The God Who Sees Me" with a bit of a perspective change. I thought about a time in my life where I didn't feel or see God. It was in 1989.
Life seemed good. I was married to my first husband and had a sweet baby girl. I realized that I was pregnant again. And was thrilled. I was feeling a bit run down. But I contributed it to being in the early stages of pregnancy. One day I went to work, as normal, and I felt this pain in my side. I thought, "I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me." I grabbed a few files and headed to Dr Tom's office. He took one look at me and said, "Kathleen, you look a little grey. Is everything okay?" I shared with him that I was pretty certain I was pregnant and that I was feeling a bit run down. And I told him about the pain I felt moment earlier. He suggested that I go to the ER immediately. And I said I would call my doctor.
I called the doctor and he said, "Come now." So, I called my mom and she came to get me. We got to the doctors and I realized something was wrong. I was bleeding profusely. We immediately drove to the hospital. Chris, my husband at that time, met us there. They rushed me back to the O.R. and as I laid there, once again, I felt the pain. This time it was so intense that I nearly fell off the bed. They rolled me into the room and the next thing I remember I woke up and I was wrapped in warm blankets. I heard the nurses talking. And I thought, "They can't be talking about me." I asked them, "Is my baby okay?" One of the nurses walked over and said, "The doctor will talk to you in a few minutes." They began to roll me into the hall. And I saw my mom, Chris, and my brother-in-law Mark and a few others. They were all crying. I kept asking, "Is my baby okay?" I found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and that I almost died. I was also told that I most likely wouldn't be able to have any more children. This broke me.
After being released from the hospital I went and stayed at my parents house. I wasn't allowed to go up and down steps and their house was more accommodating. I found myself depending on the percocet to relieve my physical and emotional pain. How could a God of love do this to me? I lost not just a baby but my faith during that time. I felt alone and that no one understood my pain. I relied on meds and just shut down.
After a few months I found myself living again. However, I was still so angry with God. I allowed my fear of trusting in Him again get in the way of me seeking Him. I searched for happiness in things and others.
My parents saw that I needed a timeout. So, one weekend they decided to take my daughter with them on a road trip. I was alone. And I remember seeing my Dad's bible on the table. I sat in his chair and cried. I wasn't sure where to start. But I knew I had to tell God how I felt. And I did. I sobbed as I began to seek Him. And demanded that He show His face. I pounded my fists on the table until they hurt too much to continue. My tantrum exhausted me. And I decided that I would trust in Him once again. He didn't show His face that day. But He did bless me a few months later.
In May of 1990 I found out that I was pregnant again. God had answered my prayers. Even though the doctor told me chances were not in my favor I was going to have a baby! The pregnancy was difficult. And I went into labor early. I was medicated to stop the contractions and put on bed rest. But, in the end I was blessed with another sweet baby girl. I learned in the years that followed, once the fog was lifted, that God was always there. And that His ways are not my ways. I could have died that day in 1989. But He blessed me with a life time to cherish my firstborn and the two additional that I gave birth to. And He continues to answer my pray for a lot of children. I am now a "mom" to two inherited daughters and a grand mom to two angelic little girls. I have a son-in-law and another on the way.
There have been multiple times in my life that God has made His presence know. And there were many times I found myself seeking Him through the foggy days in my life. I can relate to King David when I read Psalm 63. I find myself in the early hours of the morning seeking God. It's when I am most hungry for His word and I'm still in a quiet place. I sometimes find myself sitting up in bed and lifting my arms to heaven. I just want to feel Him lift me as I call out His glorious name. I know that it is Him who satisfies my every need. And He desires for me to praise Him in the foggy moments too. And I have to admit that sometimes my day get too busy about things that I get frustrated and the fog rolls in and His praises are not on my lips. But then the evening comes and I go to bed and glorify Him for the day He gifted to me. I know that I walked all day in the shadow of His wings.
It's kind of crazy but when life is going good and things are in, what appears to be, a perfect line I find that I don't seek God as vigorously as I do in the storms. I often think that I take Him for granted. He is supposed to be the Lord of All.
When I lived as a single mom with three children I felt He was more present. I knew that as His adopted and precious princess he would provide. When we had little or no food He provided. When I couldn't pay the bills He provided. I learned to trust in Him and praise Him. After all, He does take care of the birds, plants and animals. Why wouldn't I trust that He would and could provide for us. Yes, there were times I went hungry because I wanted the children to eat. But in my hunger He fed me and comforted me through His word. He really does want us to seek Him in all circumstances. Even when we think we no longer "need" Him.
Life is good. Yes, I am in a blessed time of my life. I have a husband that loves me and sees me as beautiful. (And by the way, in case you were wondering, I have been waking up every morning and saying before I look in the mirror, "you are created in His perfect image". Talk about a perspective change. I am beginning to see Him in me a little more each day.) I have a family that is growing. I have children that are seeking. I have a church community that I am beginning to consider family. I have a job that provides me with coworkers that I adore. But I feel like my vision of God is out of focus. Perhaps it's because He has been calling me to do something and fear is holding me back. I am in a position in my life where I could and really should do what He is directing me to do. But, the fear of not being good enough paralyzes me. It's called, "paralysis by analysis". I am honestly giving God a "maybe". I know I need to fully trust in Him. And write the book that He is calling me to write. I know that I need to stop worrying about others and write as if I am writing to Him. He is that author and perfecter of my life. And I know that if I am in His perfect will I will be a success in His eyes. So, I am going to ask each of you a favor. Please pray for me over the next few weeks to have a God given confidence and seek Him in His plan. And know that I will be doing the same for each you. I want to magnify God by removing all doubt fear. I want to be fully confident in His perfect plan.
Things to think about as you read chapter 6. And if you don't have the book that's okay. You can still think about these questions.
What discussions have you heard or attempts to explain how evil can persist in the presence of an all-loving, all knowing, all-powerful God? What answers have been helpful to you? What questions still haunt you?
What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? What experience do you fear most?
Visualize Jesus standing right next to you during a past time of pain or trauma. What feelings does this bring up in you?
Why do you think some people feel closer to God,while others feel more distant, in times of trouble?
Looking forward to next week.
Be blessed and embrace the God that sees you.
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