My life is not my own.......

I have this overwhelming sense of, "My life is not my own".  And to be honest I am okay with that.  But, I will admit that I didn't always feel okay with my life not being "my own".

At one point in my faith journey I felt that my husband, children, family and friends didn't appreciate the things that I would do for them.  I would spend hours cooking the perfect meal.  Sometimes I would clean the kids rooms (only because I felt overwhelmed).  And spent countless hours picking up the mess my loves would leave behind.. I would drop anything and everything just to make life easier for anyone.  And in the process I forgot to take time for the one thing that was needed (Luke 10:38-42) and the pity party erupted.  I would have these stomp your feet, slam a few cabinets and doors, and scream at the top of your lungs, spoiled brat moments.  And once the tantrum was over I would continue doing what I do best.  And that is doing.  Oh the Martha in me.

I realized that something needed to change.  Me.  I needed to STOP doing, doing, doing.  And take a step back and sit for a while.  I needed a time out.  I no longer had a servants heart.  I was doing out of habit.  And as a result I began to deplete my joy account. I was making too many withdraws and not enough deposits.

Over the past few months I have been taking inventory and trying to balance my "check book". I wake up every morning pray and read for a little.  Have a cup coffee. Go to work and hang out with a fabulous group of women. Leave the office.  Run some errands or head over to hang out with my "angel" and "sweet, sweet baby" a.k.a granddaughters.  Head back home to eat dinner. Run upstairs and put my P.J's on (my favorite time of the day).  And then do a mad dash to the sofa, sip on some wine and channel surf with my husband and whatever child is home to join us. Finally I head up to bed and watch a little more tube and finish the day with a little reading and prayer  I love almost every minute of each day.  But, I am exhausted!  There are some things I would love to do differently.  Most of them are a little selfish.  I would love to spend multiple hours of my day reading and blogging. There are some days I want to just bypass work (Monday and Friday) and just go to the park and hike for 8 hours.  And possibly bring the angel and sweet, sweet baby along to blow "grandma" bubbles.  Instead of running upstairs after dinner to put my P.J's on I could go for a walk or throw on the bathing suit and sip on my wine in the hot tub. What a wonderful opportunity to have some great conversation with my family. At the end of a crazy day it would bring me great joy to be able to pray with my loved ones.  Oh the desires of this woman's heart.

I could sit all day and focus on the things that deplete my account.  But instead I feel the need to do the better thing and make a deposit by counting my blessings. I thank God for giving me a desire to be a doer.  And praise Him for my beloved husband that adores me.  He, just like me, is a doer.  So, it makes it easy for me to adjust my direction, even when it doesn't fully fit my plan, to fit his crazy schedule. And then there are my children and grandbabies.  I would give them the world if I could. But instead I pray that they seek the riches that heaven has to offer.  And, as for the rest of my family and friends, I know that I may not give as much as I should and/or could.  However, when we are together I am blessed.  I am pretty certain that each and every one of my loves knows that, without a doubt, I would move mountains to see them happy and fulfilled.  These days I am realizing that it is when I am with each of them that I begin to fill my joy account.  And because of these blessings my life is quite full and overflowing with love, joy and happiness.

Again, if I had my way, everyday might have a much different outcome.  It's a good thing that my life is not my own.  I am a better person because of it.  I am honored to share this life with all of you.

"Martha, Martha you are worried and upset about many thing, but few thing are needed-or indeed only one"