Starts with a D and ends in pression.

I am overwhelmed.

God has a perfect plan.  I am trying to hold tight to that promise.  But my palms are quite slippery. And the darkness is so loud.  My head has been spinning.  The only words I was able to hear were the constant insults being flung my direction.  I am a failure at many things. And these failures seemed to echo in my head and heart a lot these past few days.  I am not successful enough to have tons of  extra money in the bank.  My parenting skills are in need of an overhaul.  And as a person I pretty much lack the potential of being great.

Last weekend I commented about how I am very tired and my body aches a lot.  I have been in so much physical and mental pain.  To the point that it hurts to walk, sleep, and enjoy life.  My youngest daughter replied with, "Yes Mom, it starts with a "D" and ends in pression."  Wow, I think she might be on to something.  You think?!?  That is exactly the state in which my mind has recently taken up residence. Forward all my mail please.

I had been praying and trying very hard to hear the voice of my Lord and King.  But darkness had been making it difficult to hear and to move.  I was exhausted.  I felt like I was in quicksand.  And the deeper I sank the more difficult it was to breathe.  My heart was tight.  And bitterness began to paralyze my every move.  I called out, "God, where are you?  I know you are here.  I need you.  I need your touch.  I need to feel the warmth of your embrace.  It is dark.  A darkness I have never experienced.  Please, Lord shine your light on me."  I faintly heard his voice.  It was difficult to understand.  I knew that He was there.  I just couldn't seem to get focused. He is faithful.  And I knew that He was calling for me.  "Kathleen", He lovingly responded, "cast ALL your anxiety and sadness on me.  I love you and care for you.(1 Peter 5:7)" "But Lord, I am in a really bad place And I don't know how to get out."  Calmly He placed His hand on my hardened heart and whispered, " I have gone before you and I will be with you; I will NEVER leave you or forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.(Deuteronomy 31:8)  Now take my hand.  And allow my yolk to be upon you.(Matthew 11:29)".

Well, yesterday I finally took Him up on the offer.  I humbly took His hand and decided to let Him gently pull me out of the quicksand James 4:10. God tells us in  Matthew 11:28-30 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.   For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."    God promises that if we allow Him to carry us; He will make our burdens lighter.

Today I can breathe a little better.  There is still darkness all around me.  And my ears are still a little clogged with sand.  But, I know that there will come a day that I will have no longer be surprised by these painful trials. But I will rejoice and be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-13).  I know that the God of hope will fill me with joy and peace as I learn to trust in Him.  Every day there may be a new darkness that falls on my heart.  But I know that my God loves me and is totally capable of lighting up my life.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." 2 Corinthians 4: 8-18

God has a plan.  And I am overwhelmed!

"We have seen and heard the wonders of your hands. How you loved us first. Carried us to the promised land. Who is like you God? None that we know. We are overwhelmed, we are overwhelmed by You. Lord you came to our rescue.  Now we live to worship you.  You have seen and heard our desperate cries for mercy.  You became a curse so we could live in victory"~Jimmy Robeson

A Bubble Bath in Amazing Grace

I am not sure how many remember the advertisement for Calgon.  There is a woman who is being overwhelmed with the craziness of everyday life.  The dog tracks mud on the clean kitchen floor.  Kids running around making a mess.  She has dishes to clean, laundry to fold and floors to sweep.  And she shout out, "Calgon, take me away!" And the next scene is of her relaxed in a tub full of bubbles.

I often find myself feeling this same kind of "calgon" moment.  A.W. Tozer once wrote: " We Christians must simplify our lives or lose untold treasure on earth and in eternity.  Modern civilization is so complex as to make the devotional life all but impossible.  It wears us out by multiplying distractions and beats us down by destroying our solitude, where otherwise we might drink and renew our strength before going out to face the world again."

There are so many distractions throughout my day.  And I only wish I could identify and deactivate them before I get too overwhelmed. Last week I found my emotions were all over the place.  I think, for the first time since my Dad passed, I experienced depression.  It was very difficult to find joy in my heart.  And even more difficult to surrender my emotions.  I would pray in the morning that God would fill me with His grace.  And that His voice would echo in my head and heart.  But, my cup seemed so empty.  Nothing.  I couldn't hear his voice.  nor could I feel His presence.  My cup did not run over.  How could it?  I had turned it upside down.  I wasn't capable of letting anything in.  I let every negative emotion pour over me.  I had some really destructive pity parties.  I threw a few temper tantrums.  And allowed the sadness to build a very high, think and bitter wall.

The icing on my pity party cake was Mother's Day.  I wanted to be celebrated. Earlier in the week I envisioned a day that  was all about serving me.  "After all I am always putting myself on the back burner", I pitifully said to myself.  My kids are going to roll out the "red carpet" and bow to me all day.  They will serve me coffee.  And clean my entire house. They will honor and respect me   There will be flowers and cards. And they will prepare a great meal.  Or we could even order out.  I wouldn't have to lift a finger.  Oh this is going to be a glorious day!!

Wow.  I set myself up for total disappointment.  I got up in the morning.  Got ready for church.  And prepared a veggie tray for the mother's day/ baby's dedication brunch at my nieces.  And proceeded to prepped a few things for my inherited daughter's birthday dinner that we were hosting that evening.  I went upstairs to grab my beloved bible and saw that my husband had placed a card, from him, on my dresser.  And, I got a "happy mother's day"  from my oldest biological. I opened up my "facebook" account to find a beautiful letter from my oldest inherited daughter.   We went to church and then to the brunch.  My niece and her husband did an amazing job.  And it was such a beautiful day.  I came home and washed, sliced, diced, cooked and baked.  Kids arrived home at 5pm.  We ate sang Happy Birthday and chilled.  The Birthday girl and I exchanged gifts.  The words she wrote in the card for me I will hold in my heart. And, right before heading up the steps for bed, my oldest and youngest biologicals handed me a silly card.

What a day.  I went to bed and cried.  I was disappointed. And I am a brat.  As I laid there praying  I realized that I was truly blessed. There wasn't any special treatment,  no "red carpet", no flowers, and my house still as it was the day before. I wanted so much to be showered with gifts and praises that I was too blind to see the blessings in that beautiful day.  My depression and self absorption had robbed me of all joy and blessings.
Matthew 6: 19-21  "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is there your heart will be also."

Even though He doesn't require deeds  I am guilty of neglecting to roll out the "red carpet" for my God every day.    He waits for me to surrender it all to Him.  To praise Him, and glorify Him in all that I do.  And I fail on a daily basis.  He wants to fill my heart with His love and mercy. But, I still keep looking for the world to fill my heart with warm fuzzy things. And in turn I am frequently disappointed.  And I become a victim of my emotions.  I created this crazy "calgon' moment all on my own.  The world requires me to do, run, make, and busy myself.  All God requires of me is to come, be still and sit at His feet.  It's time to turn the glass over and get filled. He wants me to have faith in His daily provision.  Matthew 6:25 " take no thought for your life"

To have the ability to rest in God's bubble bath of amazing grace would be, well, AMAZING.  This world is not going to be my permanent residence. I look forward to each day that He gives me.  And I pray that He will continue to fill me with new grace each new day.  And as I get caught up in the craziness of this world I am thankful He is waiting for me to shout, "God, take me away!"

Matthew 6:33-34 " but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Gift of Grace

God's love is unconditional.  He sent Jesus as the greatest gift of grace.  And it is by this grace that I have been saved.  Nothing I can do is greater than this amazing gift.  No actions that I take make me more worthy of this grace. God knows my heart.  He knows that there are times that I am extremely prideful.  I do thing often with the expectation of receiving a thank you.  Or at least some gesture of gratitude.  I know that my action are often selfish.  I am so thankful for the love God has lavished on me.  After reading a few verses on God's grace for me.  I see how much He knows my heart.  He knew me even before I came into existence.  I  know that I should glorify God in all that I do.  But I fail a lot.  I am a sinner saved by grace! "For it is by GRACE you have been SAVED, through FAITH - and this is not from yourselves, it it the GIFT of GOD - not by works, so that no one can boast."  Ephesians 2: 8-9.

This past week was very emotional for me.  I found that I was easily angered.  Very irritable and cried over silly stuff.  Early on in the week I came home from work and lost my mind.  I was feeling pulled in a thousand directions.  And all I wanted to do was come home to a clean house with a house full of smiling happy people.  Yes, I have a bad habit of great expectations.  Instead I came home to a messy house (Kids all had off from school, work, etc....) and my outburst caused chaos to errupt.  I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.  I felt so alone and so sad.  I work so hard all day and I came home and felt so disrespected.

I woke up the next morning.  I was still carrying a little sadness with me from the night before.  I began to pray.  And thought a lot about what it meant for me to begin to travel lightly.  How can I surrender it and surrender it ALL? Jesus laid down His life so that I could have a glorious eternity.  And I am being such a brat. It isn't about me.  Scripture tells us that we are to put off our old self, which is corrupted by deceitful desires. So that we could be made new in the attitude of our minds. And then we will put on a new self, one that is created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. God loves me for me! If I surrender my selfish needs and speak from my heart I will begin to travel lighter.  God's grace is amazing.  and when I walk with His grace upon me life is brighter.  My heart begins to soften. And I can begin to hear Him more clearly.

This weekend I attended a seminar.  The theme was John 3:16.  "For God SO love the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."  When I first heard about the seminar I wasn't going to attend. I thought I had heard this verse so many times.  I didn't need to hear it again.  Can you say "BRAT!"  God knew that my heart wasn't as soft as it needed to be for Him to penetrate and saturate my life.  So He continued to push me until I wrote the check and signed up for the weekend.  I still thought that I might be backing out of it.  My husband had tickets to the Phillies game and wouldn't have a car.  He sold the tickets.  I thought about being home with my husband because he had to work the whole weekend.  But God made it clear.  I had to go.  He had a message that my heart need to hear.  I needed to know that God SO loves me.  His heart for me is so full of grace.  He looks at me and His heart jumps for joy.  He watches over me.  And longs for me to be completely His.  He sees me as pure beauty.  There is no flaw.  I am His perfect princess.  I am blessed and highly favored.  

Christ in me

Christ living in me.......So I am sitting here once again.  I am thinking about the events of the morning.  I went to Calvary Chapel today to celebrate the life of a very dear man.  I listen to his children speak about their earthly father's life. Each person had a different memory.  A unique relationship.  And there were some characteristic in every persons relationship with Mr Paolini that were similar. Each person there had at one time or another been touched by Tony's love and crazy personality.   As I sat there I began to wonder and think about the legacy Christ has left for me/us.

Christ walked here on this earth in the flesh.  Today He still walks with me and in me through the Holy Spirit.  His love has blanketed the universe.  I have taken for granted that He is present and in my heart.  All I need to do is call on Him with faith and love.  And His response is instantaneous. I know that when my heart is at peace, it is a direct result of His love for me.

There is often a whisper that reminds me that I am unconditionally loved by God. This unconditional gift IS His legacy. How often I forget that this gift is for me.  There a sweater that is sitting in a gift box on the top shelf.  I know it is there. I like it so much I am afraid that if I wear it too much I may wear it out.  It might become tattered and torn.  This fear prevents me from even taking it out of the box.  But God's gift is not going to wear out. He wants me to share this gift with everyone.  Even those that reject it.  He still wants me to show everyone how it fits. This is what everlasting, amazing, infinite love is all about.  Christ tore the wrapping so that I could share in His inheritance. He loves me so much that He protects me.  He whispers to me when my heart is burdened.  He gives my heart peace. He is the perfect gift and this gift is one size fits all.   

John 14:23-27

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.“All this I have spoken while still with you.  But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

1 Corinthians 1:30

 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

1John 4:13-16

This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.  And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.  If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

Knowing that Christ has taken residence in my heart and in my life is profound.  I have seen Him working in and through me many times in my life.  I have gone through a quite a few storms in my life too.  And while I was in the down pour it was often difficult to see and feel His presence.  But I knew He was there to carry me through.  I needed to get a little wet.  Sometime I needed to get soaked. I would call out in the name of Jesus.  I knew I needed His presence in order for the storm to come to a drizzle. There have also been times where God has allowed me to be caught up in the eye of the storm.  I have a calmness that is unexplainable.  There is chaos all around me.  But my heart is calm. Today I thought back to the day my Dad went home to be with His creator and Lord.  I had this "eye of the storm" feeling.  Jesus was guiding my every step.  I felt Him there with me.  Don't misunderstand me.  My heart was breaking right along side of my whole family.  But, I felt like my heart was prepped for this day. The power and presence of the Holy Spirit was evident.  God promises that, if we say the Jesus is Lord of all and we believe in our hearts that Jesus is the one who was, who is, and who is to come, that we will be co-heirs in the inheritance of Heaven. I am still learning to let Jesus be Lord of everything in my life.  But, I know that He is a permanent part of my heart.

Romans 10:9

 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

To gracefully walk with His yoke upon me.

 “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Isaiah 30

  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Matthew11: 28-30

I often think about how God tells us that His yoke is easy.  Recently I learned that farmers use the yokes to harness their cattle together to work, easing the load for each beast.  And often they will have the younger cattle paired with the older more experienced cattle.  The thought process is to establish the pace.  The older cattle knows how to please the farmer.  And as the newer, less refined beast attempts to fall behind or push faster ahead, the more experienced and mature cattle pulls forward or pulls back.  God sent His son to show us, that if we stopped trying so hard to please the world, He has so much more to offer.  Our God is gentle and humble.  I am being refined. Still learning to be still. There are days when Jesus is gently pushing me ahead because I am too weak, burdened and or weary to move at the best pace.  And often He is pulling me back because I have become so distracted with the tasks ahead of me that I neglect to see clearly the task at hand.  And then there are moments in my life that I find I am walking with easy. Gracefully strolling along being together with my Savior and feeling that I too am pleasing God.     

 I wish I could honestly say that I totally get the single-minded pursuit of the Lord.  But, I can't tell you that.  At least not at this very minute. I know that I am not the only person who has pleaded with God for an extra second, minute, hour, day , week, month or better yet a year.  If I only had that extra time.....blahh blahh blah blah blahhhhh.  He IS God!!!  He knew what was needed.  This is why I only have 24hrs in a day. I am just a very poor manager of my time.

  I know in my heart that He needs to be the every in every second.  But the world has distracted me. My senses become dull and it becomes harder and harder to hear His still, small voice.  I wake up every morning thinking today is the day. I pray for my husband, each of the kids, my family, friends and all those I am about to encounter.  I say to myself. " I am going to keep my eyes focused on Him".  Then the alarm goes off.  Time to get the lunches made.  Who wants coffee?  Hurry up we are running behind.  Where is my phone?  Has anyone seen my little brown purse?  Come on lets go lets go......Breathe.......Ahhh.  Drop Christian off at school.  And now, after all that, I devote a few extra minutes to Him. I pray that He will direct my day.  I pull up to the office.  Who left all the lights on?  Open the door.  Phone is ringing.  Computers are down.  And I am swimming in a sea of distractions.

There is a burden on my heart.  I faintly hear Him whisper my name.  And I am drawn to His feet.  The day has come to an end.  I know that even in the midst of all the distractions His yoke was upon me.  It was God who carried me through each trial of the day.  And, this is when I am thankful for the blessing of only 24hrs in a day.  I need rest.  And He comforts my heart with His precious words.  Tomorrow is a new day.  And as morning comes so will  His fresh fill of grace. I close my eyes and rest in His amazing love.  I imagine what it will be like to live a day in that single-minded pursuit of my Lord. And I have faith that one day I will be refined enough to label distractions and gracefully walk with His yoke upon me.

You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you.

 ~St. Augustine of Hippo

The Lord IS my shepherd

  The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Psalm 23

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—John 10:14

God is so faithful.  When I feel like I am alone and can't do it anymore, He provides strength.  There are moments when I wonder if I am in the wrong place.  And after a long conversation with my creator, He shows me that I am right where He wants me to be.  And then there are times when He is very clear about me moving on.  And it is then that He begins to direct me to the right path. Sometime that path seems dark and not so promising.  But, I know that I must have faith in His plan.  Leaning not on my own understanding...........

 I rejoice in this amazing plan that God has laid out before me.  I love when He whispers in my ear in the middle of the night.  Wake up Kathleen. I have your plan for this day.  My heart jumps for joy!  Lord I am listening.  It is quiet.  There are no distractions.  The household is still.  My heart is pure, for the moment.  And I can hear Him.  He spends time with me.  Directing me through each prayer as if we were walking through a forest.  With each new prayer He guides me down another path.  And then, when we are done, we arrive at the beach.  The sand is warm.  And it is time for me to be still, digest the bread and bask in the warmth of His tender love.  His AMAZING love for me.

I know that I need to carry this stillness with me throughout the day.  But, as I said earlier, sometime it last only for the moment.  Time to wake up and start the day.  To live a life of single-minded devotion sound easy. Right? Well, I find that I am in a constant "tug-of-war".  The day is filled with stuff, stuff and more stuff.  Overwhelming at times.  And sometimes it is really loud.  I want so much to hear His voice.  I struggle.  My focus is off and I know that if I could just get back to that place of devotion I will be fabulous.  My life would be....well, not mine.  It would be His and His alone.  And, as a result, life would be less crazy.  And this is how I know that it is His goodness and mercy will carry me through each day.

Psalm 127

 Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early

 and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sticks, stones and words........

The past few days I have had that childhood verse, " sticks and stones may break my bones.  But names can never hurt me.", in my head.  I began each day praying that God would give me a clearer picture as to why He placed this on my heart.

I thought back to when I was a child.  I fell and got hurt all the time.  I think the nurses at the hospital were expecting me on a regular basis.  I have many scars from stitches and deep cuts and scrapes.  But the funny thing is I don't recall the pain.  Later in life I gave birth, had a few operations, and other injuries.  And, again, I don't recall the pain.

Broken bones and cuts eventually get better.  There may be a scar or a crooked bone.  And then, God willing,  they heal.  And most times we forget the pain that the injury my have caused.  But, when words penetrate our heart, OUCH!!  I still to this day carry in my heart the pain of words.  Words can really crush your spirit.  And when you are feeling really low they hit you like a ton of bricks.  I have been told I was stupid, ugly, and other harsh things.  And the crazy thing is there are times I actually believe it.  When life is really difficult.  And I begin to look at making a change, the enemy comes in and whispers all those harsh words into my head.  And then I begin to feel worthless.  And then I feel like I am a failure in the eyes of everyone.  The tension grows deep inside.

Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

God is faithful.  And in the words of a very wise man (my Dad), "God doesn't make junk." So, I pray that the Lord restores my heart.  And that He allows me to see myself as He sees me.  And this isn't easy for a sinner like me.  I know how bad it hurts when people use harsh words to communicate their feelings.  I am guilty of this myself. So, if you are reading this and have been victimized by my poor communication skills.  I am truly sorry.